Understated Stupidity.

Christian Bale Calls Verizon to Complain About His Internet‏

2009-05-27T07:50:00.000-04:00

Many of you heard Christian Bale's outburst at a lighting guy on the set of Terminator: Salvation. It's proof positive you can never predict what someone as volatile as Bale will do or say when agitated. In that same vein, I've actually acquired a transcript of Bale's latest call to Verizon Wireless when he was having problems with his Internet connection:

Hello? My name is Christian Bale and....hello? Yes, my um Internet is not working properly. I can't get online. Haven't been able to do for days now. Sure....my account number is 41558509. Last four of my social is 2323. Christian Bale. Yes, I am that Christian Bale. Yes, I can hold........(humming) honey, did you water the azaleas? They appear somewhat downtrodden. You didn't? Oh, okay, well....I guess I will water them then.

(4 minutes later)

Yes? Hello? I am here. Yes, well, the problem is that my Internet....my wireless connection has not been working. I'm not sure what the problem is. Bale. Christian. Account number, which I already gave you, is 41558509. 2323. Okay. Um, yes, I can hold.....honey, can you take the trash out? No, I guess there is nothing stopping me. I guess I am just as close to the garbage can as you. You know what, how about I just do it? I don't want to interrupt you from your...whatever you're doing. I will get it; it is fine. Would you listen to the phone in case the Verizon lady gets back on? No, you can't? Okay, well then......I guess I will just hope that her respite lasts for the duration of my trip to the garbage can.

(9 minutes later)

Hello? Thank you. It is fine. What's that? Okay, I can do that. I mean, I already clicked diagnose and repair, but I will do it again. Okay....it says here that there may be a problem with my router. That's what it says every time. I don't really know what a router is. Okay....yeah, you don't really need to explain it to me but....you don't say.....that is really neat. Those are some neat facts about routers, but doesn't it seem a tad unnecessary to tell me all.....hmm? Really? Is that right? I didn't know that routers were invented in that year, or by that person. That is really something. Thank you for telling me that information. I'm sorry to ask you this, but is there anything you can do to help me with my wireless connection situation? What's that? You need your supervisor? Yes, I can hold. I guess. I have an audition later today, but I'd like to - hello? Oh, she already put me on hold.

(22 minutes later)

Hello? Yep, I'm here. I have just spent the time browsing these Home and Garden periodicals. Um....no, it won't be a problem for me to hold again. You're welcome.

(35 minutes later)

Yes. Is this the supervisor? Nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that, I really enjoyed playing Batman, so I'm glad my fans enjoyed it also. Um, I would give you an autograph but I'm not sure how I would send.....yeah? Okay, I can take down your address. You would like a picture? Okay, I guess I can do that. How many? 57? That seems like an awful lot of work, but I guess so. I beg your pardon? Oh....41558509. Last four of the social is 2323.

Okay. So I should unplug my router? What does it look like? Okay.....yep! You know what, yep, there is a box that looks just like that on my window sill. Okay, great! I am unplugging it. It is unplugged, now what? I wait for a minute, then turn it back on? Are you sure? How could that possibly fix it? Wait....oh, we have a connection! I am good to go. Yep, it is fixed. Wait a second....the red X came back. That didn't seem to work at all. I'm not connected. Sir, you don't seem to understand, your remedy did not solve my problem - oh wait, he hung up. Oh boy. Guess the last hour was a waste pretty much. Oh well. I guess I will call back.....redialing here......Yes? Hello, my name is Christian Bale and my internet - beg your pardon? Oh, yes. Michael Caine was an absolute treat to work with. Yes, I can hold.

Of All the Blogs I've Ever Encountered in All My Travels, This One Was the Mo-host.....HUMAN

2009-05-26T11:23:00.001-04:00

You may have noticed a lack of posts lately. I'm posting today to let everyone now that after this week, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll be wrapping up the blog.....thanks for everything, and I'm going to make sure that these next few posts before Friday are real solid. Enjoy this:

Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court

2009-05-14T07:52:00.001-04:00

Coming to theaters this fall, it's the newest hit from director/actor Tyler Perry - the soon to be smash Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court!

Barack Obama (Morris Chestnut) is a strong, proud black man and a father of 2 with a shrewish wife (Nia Long) who doesn't love him anymore. When she leaves him for Barack's more successful business colleague Joe Biden (a Baldwin), Barack is forced to move back in with his family, including matriarch Grandma Madea.

Barack's family is a handful, and dealing with his brother (Morris Chestnut) sister (Mo'Nique) parents (James Earl Jones and Alfre Woodard) aunt (Mo'Nique again) cousin (pick a Wayans brother) nephew (Nick Cannon) and one wacky second cousin (Morris Chestnut) is all he can handle. But while Grandma Madea's craziness gets Barack into his fair share of wacky situations, she also serves up a heaping helping of common sense. She even brokers a peace between Barack and his estranged brother, Tyrelle (Tyler Perry). Along the way Madea dishes advice, butt whuppings, and a little bit of tenderness. Not to mention countless scenes of large outdoor barbeques attended by seemingly hundreds of black family members wearing identical t-shirts.

Everything seems to be going well until Supreme Court Justice David Souter (Morris Chestnut) retires unexpectedly. It's up to Barack to name a new justice, and when his wife challenges his manhood on the floor the Senate, he surprises everyone by naming Madea to the empty seat. While he is ridiculed at first by his vice president, secretary of state, and the media (Morris Chestnut), America soon comes to love this opinionated, sassy, proud black woman, even though her rulings are largely incoherent and she knows nothing about the law. For instance, in the case of Stevenson vs. The State of Nevada, a landmark trial in which stem cell research is called into question, she rules in favor of the defendants' "getting Grandma Madea's foot stuck up yo ass." It is an amazing film, and it culminates in a heartwarming finale, as Barack reconnects with his college sweetheart and realizes she is his one true love. By the way, she is played by Morris Chestnut in a wig.

Come check out the side-splitting comedy that will be sure to leave all people rolling in the aisles with laughter, and by all people we mean people who really enjoy bad writing. Stay for the twist ending, where Tyler Perry reveals that not only is Madea a costume, but his identity of Tyler Perry is also a ruse. He unzips his face to reveal that he is in fact Morris Chestnut.

Amy Filled Out Another MySpace Survey

2009-05-13T07:26:00.001-04:00

My sister filled out another MySpace survey, and she is pretty funny. Here you go:

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
you're just going to judge me when i tell you i saw 17 again. and again....and again. what can i say. it just sort of happened. before i knew it i was sitting in the theater drinking an icee and watching matthew perry morph into zac efron. it was unescapeable really.

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
if i started dating them when they lived in the same state then yes. what i'm getting at here is no i don't want to meet someone on match.com and fly across the country to live with him. only to find out he's a 56 year old war vet who already has an intricate plan to explain my disappearance, and then he's going to season me with paprika before he shoves me in his people cooker. match.com isn't for everyone. just sayin just sayin.

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
if i wasn't fine i wouldn't say that i was. if somethings wrong, i'm taking everyone down with me.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
haters gon hate

Do you laugh a lot?
i think that's an understatement. today me and this guy i work with laughed for a good hour because we thought it would be funny if we had a chimpanzee for a manager.

What are the bad things you've heard people say about you?
what! i'm not going to rehash all the bad things people have said about me just so you can agree with them. instead, let me just invite you to please GET REAL. rsvp if you know what's good for you.

Do you have an older brother?
i have 3 whole older brothers, as opposed to our other brother victor who was born without a torso.

How was your last night and why?
it was okay, i worked. bringing in the mulla

Do you believe in karma?
yeah i do. but only for me. i accidentally killed a spider at work, guess what was in my bed last night? a spider. this isn't a sleepover, hop up out of there.

Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
let's get one thing straight: i'm never happy when i have to wake up in the morning.

Is your room ever clean?
you must be new here. it's never clean, but i know where everything is. more or less.

What did you and the last person you talked on the phone talk about?
we talked about our days. because we're middleaged sisters. except he's a boy.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
not in a kidnappy way

How many kids do you want to have?
enough to do all my chores for me. ahaha just kidding, there are laws that say i can't do that. so i'll just pretend we're playing a game. whoever can clean the most windows in five minutes gets to do mommy's laundry for the next week!!

Where's you're phone at?
it's sitting beside me like the lazy oaf that it is. get a job

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
is leo dicaprio older than 19??

Do you trust all your friends?
if i didn't trust them i wouldn't call them my friends. that seems like it should be obvious. i'm too real for this survey

How many surveys will you do today?
i've hit my lame quota for the day with this one. i'm good

Spock Argues His Way Out of a DUI

2009-05-12T07:09:00.000-04:00

NEW YORK - First Officer of the USS Enterprise and Starfleet Commander Spock, utilizing stone cold logic and airtight reasoning, successfully argued his way out of a DUI early Sunday morning.

"I am fine, Officer," slurred the clearly inebriated Vulcan to the state trooper who pulled him over. "If I was truly inebriated, my breath would smell like alcohol, and not the pennies and orange Tic Tacs that my breath currently reeks of."

"I guess that's true," said trooper Steve Lewis.

Officer Lewis pulled Spock over for executing what he referred to as a rolling stop.

"You see, Officer, while I may not have appeared to stop, I surveyed the situation, made the most brief of stops, and continued making the right turn," stuttered Spock. "From your vantage point, it would be impossible to ascertain whether or not my vehicle was completely at rest."

Lewis briefly considered taking Spock in after he blew a .13 on the breathalyzer, nearly twice the legal limit. But Spock had an answer for that as well:

"Clearly, that is a breathalyzer made in what you humans refer to as 'Europe.' I can tell by the design. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the met....the met...the metric, ugh....okay watch out I'm going to vomit.....no wait, never mind. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the metric system, and given my calcuations, a .13 BAC converted to the standard American numerical rate would come out to about .04, well below the legal limit."

"Oh," stammered the dimwitted officer. "Well, when you put it that way...."

Lewis, a rookie on the force, proceeded to call for back up. While he awaited the other officers to arrive, he reported that Spock relieved himself in a nearby bush and texted Uhura.

"I'm really fine, Officer." said Spock, stumbling back towards Lewis. "Man, you are such a good guy, but really, I am fine. If I was messed up, I would start inverting my sentences, saying things like, 'Messed up I am.' That is what us aliens do."

"That was Yoda!" said Lewis.

"Ah yes, Yoda. You want his autograph? I can definitely get it for you."

When the other officers arrived on the scene, they too fell pray to Spock's incredibly persuasive and sound arguing style. After giving a ten minute speech, incorporating the laws of physics, thermodynamics, and the 70's sitcom Good Times, he convinced all of the reporting officers that it was Officer Lewis who had been drunk and swerving, and he had just observed Spock driving straight.

"In a way, I'm glad he pulled me over, as it got him off the road. Driving like that can be very dangerous, my young Padawan."

After all the officers nodded and thanked Spock, the Vulcan proceeded to fall asleep in a nearby ditch.

Selena Roberts Next Project: Batman Tell-All

2009-05-06T11:07:00.008-04:00

Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts has announced that she plans to follow her controversial biography of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a similar account on Gotham City superhero Batman. While on her whirlwind promotional tour, I caught up with Roberts, and we sat down to talk about her newest project:

MIKE ELTRINGHAM: So, your latest book absolutely slams Batman. Outs him as billionaire Bruce Wayne. Labels him as a narcissistic rule breaker. There is some really shocking and nasty stuff in here. I get the feeling that a lot of people are going to come away thinking much less of Batman.

SELENA ROBERTS: This is true. But, the public has the right to know. And biographies on superheroes have been around a lot longer than you or me, so this isn't something new.

ME: What was the motivation for this expose?

SR: It was about time Batman got what was coming to him. It's hard to watch a guy be so smug, and present this pristine image of himself to the press, and not want to take him down a peg. Batman has denied most of my charges, but I say let my work do the talking. Go talk to my sources. They lined up to dime on him: Robin, Batgirl, even Lucius Fox gave me a little something. And here's a message for Batman: never question Selena Roberts' journalistic integrity. Selena Roberts is a classy broad with journalistic integrity out the yin-yang. You don't mind if I finish this bologna sandwich, do you?

ME: Go right ahead. Let's go through some of the juicier tidbits of the book: you talk a lot about his illicit affair with Catwoman. Batman is well-known by the public for his crime-fighting, so why should anyone have the right, or even care, to know the details of his private life in such gross detail?

SR: If he didn't want his private life out there for public consumption, don't put on a mask and fight crime. God, the amount of integrity I have in this situation is starting to get me excited. When you put yourself out there, you give the media license to investigate every salacious nook and cranny of your life. If you didn't want me to find that picture of you and Catwoman in bed, dressed like Popeye and Olive Oyl, you shouldn't have put it in your garbage can.

ME: Wow. Okay. Anyway, in the book you accuse Batman of wrongdoing that the public has every right to call him on, seeing as it has to do with his crime fighting. You have a lengthy chapter detailing Batman's illegal wiretapping procedures.

SR: That's correct. I got him good on that one. I set up a tape recorder in the Bat Cave while he was meeting with his Bat-Attorney. I got the whole thing on tape!

ME: Oh....well, wouldn't that conversation be confidential because of attorney-client privilege? In other words, while it may expose his wrongdoing, it's something that no one had the legal right to know about anyway, therefore making its exposure to the public highly inappropriate. That may not excuse what he did, but doesn't it make its exposure to the public dangerously unethical on your part?

SR: Unethical?

ME: Yeah, wouldn't you say that's unethical?

SR: No, I'm asking you what that word means. Unethical?

ME: Unethical behavior would be any behavior that violates your code of ethics as a journalist.

SR: Huh? Ethics? Look buddy, you're going to have to stop talking Portuguese and start talking English if you want to engage me on this topic. Someone with less integrity than me would walk out on you right now. God, it amazes me how much integrity I have. If you lined up all the American veterans of foreign wars, they wouldn't possess a scintilla of the integrity I do. After this I'm going to the Vietnam Memorial in D.C. to tell people that to their faces, and hand out copies of my book.

ME: Okay, one more question. According to reports, the evidence you received regarding Batman's wiretapping also implicated numerous others, including little known Gotham City police officer Wade Blumenthal.

SR: Okay....? Still waiting on your point here.

ME: My point is that the only reason anyone cares about Batman breaking the law is because he's so good at fighting crime. If you took away the wiretapping, Batman would still be excellent at what he does, and that lowly Gotham cop would still be mediocre. Is it fair that Batman gets dragged through the mud, while other perpetrators get no attention, simply because Batman is much more proficient at his craft?

SR: The point is, people want to see Batman get embarrassed. Don't knock me simply because there's a market for embarrassing famous people. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a vessel. It is the public's God-given right to know everything in my book, and I am just doing my journalistic and civic duty by exposing all this. And boy, am I cashing in along the way.

You know, it's taking all the integrity in my body right now not to slap you silly. I am literally shocked at the amount of integrity I have, which is more than I thought a human was capable of possessing. It's giving me a real integrity chubby as we speak.

ME: You do look like you have a hell of a right hook. Might want to take a course in how to put on make-up though, based on that picture. Thanks for the interview, honey. Do you think the book is going to sell well?

SR: Do I think it's going to sell well? Is the Pope Catholic? Were the Duke lacrosse players convicted of rape?

ME: Actually they weren't.

SR: Wait.....WHAT?!?!?!

One of My Jokes Finally Killed a Man

2009-05-05T12:26:00.001-04:00

My Dad only orders from local pizza joints. Won't go to Dominos or Pizza Hut. So whenever I got my folks' place, we never eat pizza from a national chain. I'm not complaining; for the most part, the pizza is better at the smaller spots.

But here's the thing about local pizza places: a lot of time they use generic pizza boxes, and a lot of times, those pizza boxes will have a picture of a fat chef with a moustache giving a thumbs up, looking at his pizza. I wrote a joke about this last night, which went something like this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Dom DeLuise on a Stairmaster."

It got a decent response last night. I figured if I kept building around the premise, I could work it into my rotation. How about I found out this morning that Dom DeLuise died - LAST NIGHT. For all I know, he died while I was telling the joke.

Here's what so morbid about the whole thing: I wrote the joke around 5:00 PM. I performed it around 8:30. I don't know exactly when he kicked the bucket, but this man was passing away as I was building a punchline around him. As a group of strangers acknowledged the fact that he is fat and Italian by laughing at my reference, he shuffled into the light.

As someone still new to the world of comedy, I'm always trying to grow, always trying to evolve. And with every performance, and every joke, I believe there is a lesson to be learned. And I think the lesson in this particular instance is clear:

Don't piss me off or I will write a joke that murders you.

Apparently, that's my X-Man power: jokes that can kill. It's a positive thing, if harnessed for the good of humanity.

Of course I'm being facetious; unless my joke is something you could deep fry and cover in barbecue sauce, I doubt it had anything to do with his Dom DeLumise. But it sucks all the same. I feel the same way I felt after Heath Ledger died: very sad for the guy and his family, but also feeling as if I missed out on something more. Heath Ledger was the perfect Joker. And Dom DeLuise was the perfect fat Italian guy to reference in this joke I wrote about pizza boxes. Now neither my perfect pizza box joke nor the Batman franchise will ever be as good as it could have been. Don't believe me? Look at this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Johnny Depp as the Riddler."

See? It's just not the same.

My condolences to your family, Dom. Thanks for messing up my joke.

National Nightmare

2009-05-05T10:01:00.005-04:00

On Saturday I was lucky enough to join 4,000 other Washingtonians who couldn't get Capitals tickets to watch the Nationals play the St. Louis Cardinals. It was my first trip the new stadium, and I had a few thoughts:

* The players' intro music was weird and definitely inappropriate. Ryan Zimmerman walked up to the plate to the tune of Return of the Mack. Apparently, the guy who picks out intro music is the same guy who picks the players.

* It was Latino Heritage Today at the stadium. This is not be confused with Pitino Heritage Day, where everyone slicks their hair back and gets away with recruiting violations.

* The attendance was seriously pathetic, even for a rainy day in this economy. More evidence that DC can't support pro baseball. Crappy team + transient population = team will be gone in ten years. Look on the bright side: at least DC has a huge baseball stadium for which it will soon have zero need.

* Biggest ovation came when they flashed the Pens/Caps score on the Jumbotron. Second biggest one was when Ryan Zimmerman scratched himself.

* Screech the Eagle was in the house. There were a ton of little kids in attendance, and for whatever reason, not one of them was frightened by the sight of a giant eagle in a baseball uniform. What is wrong with the youth of America?

* Word is that President Obama plans to cut defense spending so much that U.S. soldiers in Iraq will be armed with t-shirt cannons.

* During the seventh inning stretch, two couples got on the dugout and did some flamenco dancing. First time I've seen a live sporting event utilize flamenco dancing to get the fans more interested. The next step is having Manny Acta and Tony LaRussa bring out the lineup cards and then pulling a little Tango action. Maybe LaRussa passes Manny a rose with his teeth.

* One of the Nationals' traditions is to have presidents with giant heads race each other all over the field. At one point, you had a giant Teddy Roosevelt, Abe Lincoln, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson running around the outfield while an eagle in a baseball uniform cheered them on while four people flamenco danced on the dugout. It's moments like that that make you wonder if they laced the hot dogs with LSD.

* It was interesting how they used the Big-Headed Presidents to celebrate Latino Heritage Day, seeing how as only one of them did anything to advance civil rights. Hell, two of them owned black people. Hardly seem like the right guys to celebrate one of D.C.'s most prominent minority groups. While you may disagree with me on that point, no one can debate that it was a little out of line when Giant-Headed Jefferson and Giant-Headed Washington got into a bidding war over Dmitri Young.

The First 100 Days

2009-04-30T07:34:00.001-04:00

Barack Obama plans to address the nation regarding the progress he's made in his first 100 days in office. Luckily, one of my Washington spies got his hands on a copy of President Obama's speech. So here it is, the President's remarks, including notes from his aide in italics:

My fellow Americans, it's been only 100 days since hope and change have come to Washington, D.C., and let me tell you, I have made a lot of progress. My detractors yelled and screamed. They hooted and hollered. They fricassed and flambeed. But ultimately, their complaints fall on deaf ears. If you want a tangible sign of progress, check out the air hockey table I just finished putting together in our White House game room.

The air hockey table - that I built myself - is one big mother. I bought it for myself as a gift for winning the presidency. And it is just an absolute beaut. You've got pucks made of solid gold, platinum lining on the edges of the mini-rink, and eucalyptus-scented flavoring lining all the airholes. Wafting eucalyptus really lends an air of peacefulness and relaxation to the proceedings. Sure, the whole thing was expensive, but it's not like it's my money.

Many of you are still concerned about the economy. Let me tell you one person who isn't: me. Because I am cleaning up in this midnight games we've been having. Biden, Gibbs, Geithner, Sebelius, doesn't matter. I take it home every time. We even started a 16-man air hockey league where we run four games a night. We're gearing up for the playoffs right now. I mean, we still have about ten regular season games left, but I've locked up the number one seed so I'm just BSing through the games, not taking it serious. Sometimes I'll switch hands mid-game. I have a match-up with Geithner today at 1:45. Ultimately, I know I'm going to win the championship, but Geithner is the only one who makes me worry. He's an absolute master at using the angles; he's the very definition of methodical. Meanwhile, Gibbs as a six seed scares me because while he's not fundamentally sound, he really hustles, plus he is the master of talking trash. Last time he said some stuff about Michelle that would make Rahm Emanuel blush. Biden, I am not concerned about. Biden is an absolute fish.

I understand that my critics will make their voices heard about this. They'll do their research, and they will undoubtedly discover that while this particular air hockey table came with an electronic scoreboard that could be mounted over the table, I neglected to install said scoreboard. I'm sure the GOP will chalk this up to laziness, carelessness, or the fact that Barack Obama does not live up to his promises. But look at it this way, America: the scoreboard only tallies the score to 7. After that, the game automatically ends, in the scoreboard's mind. Who still plays games to 7? Frankly, every single one of our games - the league sanctioned ones, anyway - have been played to 21, winner must win by 2. And let me tell you my friends (beat podium emphatically) Barack Obama knows how to count to 21 without the help of a robot scoreboard, and if he didn't, you wouldn't have elected him president of this great nation! (Pause here for applause) Now, if it's get past 21, it gets a little tricky, but I can assure you that I won't be playing any games past 21. I am the President, and I have a job to do, so I can't spend hours wasting away on an air hockey table when the country needs me. Barring overtime, of course.

You're probably thinking: Barack, shouldn't you be more worried about the war in Iraq? Well friends, let me tell you that my cabinet and I have gotten into some pretty intense matches, and they make the war in Iraq look like that scene at the end of Fellowship of the Ring where all the hobbits go gay and jump on that bed together.

To any of you who are angered by this: I invite you (dramatically pause, arch eyebrow, and tear shirt off) to come watch your boy do some crunches.

(Spend the next five minutes doing crunches while the crowd cheers and counts them out for you)

Look at this stomach, huh? Those are some tight abs, and also your boy has a great ass. Where were we? Oh right. The issue of investigating Bush administration officials for possible torture allegations. All I know about torture is that whenever Hillary Clinton decides to bring her sorry ass game down to the White House recreation center, she's going to get tortured on the air hockey table. Believe that. She'll be begging to be waterboarded when I'm done with her. That's all I have to say about the issue of torture at this time.

I think that's about all I wanted to cover. I gotta split, I have to go watch some game film on Agricultural Secretary Tom Vilsack. I've got him in the first round. He only finished six games over .500, but I think he's going to bounce back strong in the postseason. Oh man, I know I'm forgetting something. Let me think.....nope, that was it. Good night.

Oh, that's right - don't eat any ham from Mexico. Drive home safe.

What Did You Just Call Me?

2009-04-29T07:23:00.001-04:00

I go to McDonald’s to write out my set list for a show later that night. As I’m ordering, I notice a bum in a neon Street Sense penny staggering around the premises, asking people for loose change.

After I get my ten piece and fries, I set my tray down at a table on the opposite side of the place from him. This seems like some sort of strategic masterstroke at the time. Don’t these people they realize that they could have also avoided being pestered by this vagabond? All you have to do is find out where he is, and sit on the other side! It’s simple! I should be their life coach. I congratulate myself heartily on this foolproof method of bum avoidance as I get up to retrieve ketchup and a straw.

That is until I return to find the bum is sitting at the table right behind me.

Not only that, but he’s clearly waiting for me. This is going to be hard. I’m not averse to giving money to the homeless. I donate to various charities. Allright, that is bullshit, but if a bum asks me for money, and I have cash on me, I’ll give him a few bucks. What I don’t like to do is buy a bum something with my check card. Any bum-to-me transaction cannot last more than the few seconds it takes me to reach into my pocket and hand him some bills. Anything longer and the odds that he’ll jack me increase exponentially.

“Excuse me, sir?” he asks. I hate when bums are polite; it makes upcoming Mutumbo-like rejection all the more difficult. It’s much harder to turn someone down when they’re as sweet as apple pie. “Can you spare a few dollars so I can get some food?”

“Sorry,” I answer, honestly. “I’m out of cash.”

“Oh.” He turns away for a split second, and then tries again. “Can I get a fry?”

Okay, I feel for the homeless population. The overwhelming majority of them have been dealt brutal cards by life, and that is genuinely sad. That being said, if a member of said population plans to ask me for money, there is a code he or she must follow. Bum etiquette, if you will. And one tenant of that code is that you cannot ask me for a piece of my meal. You never see a hobo warming his hands over a garbage can fire outside at a KFC, barking at passersby to throw him a biscuit. It’s not much to ask. I don’t complain when you smell like onions and feet, and in turn you don’t ask me for the pickle off my burger. It’s a win-win.

So, realizing that he was going to keep pushing if I didn’t put a stop to it, I got firm: “Look, just leave me alone, okay?” I did have a show to plan for, and I didn’t think he’d go away if I didn’t say something. Nevertheless, I felt bad. Hard to be a bigger villain than the guy who won’t give money to a bum. I quickly imagined my Mom, Dad, third grade teacher Mrs. David, and Woodsy Owl all appearing in a ghostly, dead Jedi-like form and shaking their heads with disapproval. He shuffled off without a word, leaving a bag at the table.

He continued to walk up to people, asking for money. I begin to second-guess my decision. Would it have killed me to get up and buy the guy something? Stand in line with him for a few seconds? Maybe held his hand, reassured him that although life was rough, he could pull through this troubled time?

More importantly, what if he was a billionaire disguised as a bum, and he was looking for someone to give all his money to when he died? If that was the case, then I really messed up.

After a few minutes, I saw him slowly walk towards my table. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I kept scribbling nonsense on my notebook paper, feigning interest in the hopes that he wouldn’t say anything else to me.

He grabbed his bag off the table behind me. Then, as he walked away, I heard him mumble in my general direction:

“Bitch.”

Yes, that’s correct, Dear Reader, a homeless guy called me a bitch. Now, my first reaction was to laugh, because the sheer ridiculousness of that situation is pretty unbelievable.

But let’s analyze that insult a little further. In what way does not giving him money make me a bitch? My unwillingness to buy dinner for Sir Smelliness does not make any kind of statement on my toughness or lack thereof. I’m a cheap dick, not a bitch. I resent the mischaracterization.

Coming in 2010....the Homeless Snuggie!

My second reaction was to get angry. Who is a homeless guy to call me a bitch? Who does he think he is? And what does that say about me, that a dude with no home, money, or deodorant is going to call me that? But then I thought about it, and it makes perfect sense. Compared to this dude, I am absolutely a bitch. There’s no way I would ever sleep outside. I only went camping once when I was a kid. This guy has to deal with the elements, not to mention unruly squirrels. If a dude as tough as that wants to call me a bitch, not much else I can do but accept it and try to live up to his standard by buying a tent and hitting up Yellowstone.

Thanks for telling it like it is, Tough Homeless Dude Trying to Get a Fry. Next time the Filet-O-Fish is on me.

The Wolverine Trivia Challenge

2009-04-28T07:22:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite things to do is make fun of bad movies. I went to see Van Helsing and Troy with the express purpose of cracking jokes. To me, it's just as entertaining to sit through 2 Fast 2 Furious as it is to watch Godfather Part II. In fact, if I was Robert Evans, I would have changed its title to 2 Corleone, 2 Furious.

Anyway, Wolverine comes out this Friday, and it looks like a bona fide turd; this means that I'm as excited for this film as any other blockbuster coming out this summer. So, I'm offering up my second annual trivia challenge to all the ladies out there: whichever young lovely answers the most questions correctly wins a trip to see Wolverine with me. This isn't like any movie date, however. Throughout the entire movie, I will make fun of Wolverine.

1) I will crack jokes throughout the entire film, including the previews and end credits. You are welcome to contribute, but remember that this is my show, not yours.

2) I will require one (1) large popcorn, and one (1) large Coca Cola. You may purchase whatever you like for yourself.

3) You may make one 9-11 joke. It must be in relation to something Gambit says or does.

4) If at any time during the film I have to use the restroom, you've got to follow me out to the lobby to listen to any jokes I might think of on my way to the john. You do not have to uncoil it for me.

5) No making out whenever Hugh Jackman is on screen. While it is a horrible movie, and the producers messed up the X-Men franchise big time, Jackman does a solid job in these and he deserves our respect. Hard to show respect when you're sucking face.

6) After the film, we can go get coffee so you can go over which jokes of mine you liked the best. Oh, that's the other thing - bring a notepad so you can take copious notes.

7) Also, in the post-Wolverine coffee recap, we'll speculate on casting for the upcoming Avengers movie. After I scoff at your casting choices for Captain America and Thor, I'll explain to you why I think Eddie Murphy should play both roles.

Those are the rules. Best of luck to you. On with the trivia challenge:

1) You wouldn't like the Incredible Hulk when he's....

a) ornery
b) perturbed
c) malnourished

2) Tony Stark diddles a reporter at the beginning of Iron Man. Then, he blows a chance with Pepper Potts later on in the film. The trivia question is, who would you bag, the reporter or Pepper?

3) What historical event better represents what X3 did to the X-Men franchise - Auschwitz or Darfur?

Good luck and get going! Deadline is Thursday at 10:30. Once I tell you that you've won, drive over to my place and pick me up so we can go check out a midnight showing. Get tickets online first, if you can. Don't worry, I'll pay you back. You know I'm good for it.

Swine Flu and You

2009-04-27T08:05:00.001-04:00

As the United States prepares for a potential swine flu epidemic, I thought it would be a good idea if I got a swine expert to give us tips on avoiding the swine flu. So, here with some ideas on how to stay out of this disease's deadly grasp is Understated Stupidity's resident swine expert, Kermit the Frog:

Hello there, everyone! The US seems to be all abuzz over this swine flu outbreak. As someone who knows from experience, I can tell you that swine flu is no afternoon picnic. Hopefully, I can give you some expert advice on how to deal with this horrible disease.

First piece of advice: when you're 17, and you think you've got the world by the balls, don't run away from home to marry a pig and join show business. The best way to ensure you don't get swine flu is to not throw away all your hopes and dreams to follow through on your drunkenly made plans with some warthog with a bow on her head. The more sober you get, the worse she looks, and the more you realize her voice has got a pretty deep bass. If I closed my eyes and listened to her, I'd tell you she was a dude.

Another tip to not getting swine flu that the doctors haven't revealed to the public: if you're Dad, who's a dentist, and he wants you to go to college, and then follow his footsteps into dental school.....GO TO DENTAL SCHOOL. It's the sure thing, and he says it's a good idea for a reason. Definitely don't marry the first piece of bacon to give it up to you because you think she's the only one you'll ever get.

If you do get the swine flu, I'm the best person to tell you how to deal with it, because I deal with it on a daily basis. One of the symptoms is I have to look at the litter of half-frog, half-pigs we created together every day for the rest of my goddamn life. You know, you think it's going to be nothing serious, then she tells you that her father is a powerful pig-scientist who dropped $3 billion to figure out a way to arrange inter-species pregnancy. Once you hear that, you begin to realize that you're locked in, and the swine flu has consumed your soul.

Here's another health tip for you about dealing with the swine flu: don't go out drinking with your friends then call your wife expecting a ride, because apparently being a pig gives her license to act like a huge bitch. Gonzo and Fonzie had to call me a cab and wait for like an hour for it to show up.

The Center of Disease Control hasn't dropped this bit of knowledge on you, but one way to ease the pain brought on by swine flu is to slip out of bed at 3AM. Get in your car, and drive to Burger King. Get a bacon double cheeseburger. Eat all the bacon, save for one strip. Bring it home, and put it in your wife's purse so she'll see it on her way to work tomorrow. It also helps to drink lots of hard liquor before doing any of this.

All in all, the swine flu is a deadly pox and you need to be constantly vigilant or it will get you, too. Best way to steer clear of it is to not marry a domineering, overbearing piece of glorified pulled pork. Stick with a different animal who will let you get a word in edgewise. Otherwise you'll be like me, going downstairs to my basement with a bottle of bourbon every night to watch The Muppet Movie and cry myself to sleep. It's pathetic. The other night I drunk dialed Charles Grodin 17 times to see what he was doing. He didn't pick up once.

Yeah, I've had a couple of Frog Island Iced Teas before I wrote this blog, what of it?

Best of Status Update Hypothetical

2009-04-26T10:56:00.001-04:00

Every day I post a hypothetical question as a status update on Facebook and Twitter. Here are some of the best responses I've received from this past week:

You and Obama are at the movies. He buys tix, so you get snacks. You ask what he wants, he says, "Surprise me." Your move?

A large soda cup filled with "butter" topping. I make a big, douchey show of asking him if he's surprised. Then I walk out, because there's no way I'm sitting through Knowing. -- Eric, via Facebook

Large Popcorn, box of Buncha Crunch, mixed together. The time has come to set aside snacking as usual and come together, both sweet and savory, white and brown, to tackle the challenges of the 21st century. -- Jake, via Facebook

popcorn with a hole cut in the bottom and two large fruit punch's -- Sean, via Facebook. Still trying to figure out if he meant for this to be racist or if it was just racist by accident

You're on a date. Your date orders gin and says, "Thats all I drank when I was on that Somali pirate ship." Your reaction?

You're an awesome badass. Let's take our clothes off and get freaky. -- Laken, via Facebook, clearly projecting her desire to jump my bones onto her answer to this question

Your grammatical errors are atrocious.... -- Christine, via Facebook, clearly projecting her desire to jump my bones onto her answer to this question

Would you rather date Oprah or Meryl Streep?

Meryl Steep now or 1974? -- Marques, via Facebook

Stedman -- Daniel, via Facebook. I'll second that. He's a good looking man.

gordon ramsay -- Al, via Facebook, earning herself a one month suspension for installing an Option C.

can there be a female-friendly version of the wednesday hypothetical? -- Danielle, via Twitter. Apparently, the ladies were a little slow on the uptake with this one.

Youre locked in a room with all the Muppets, except they're all evil and coked up. Which one do you take out first?

Gonzo. He's like the Joker, too unpredictable to want to deal with in a fight. -- Jimmy, via Facebook.

Animal, obviously, he already acts like he's coked up. next question - who do you bang first? -- Kathleen, via Facebook. What about me brings this out in all these women? Didn't realize my status updates were so sexually loaded.

Baby skeeter and I'm not even sure which muppet that is but I wouldn't want to be in close proximity to something named skeeter -- Lafayette, via Facebook

Kermit; when you cut off the head, the snake dies. But aren't the Muppets already evil/coked up? Isn't that their schtick? -- Jim, via Twitter

Who would you rather be, Jesus or Superman?

Superman's weakness: stones from his home planet that blew up. Jesus' weakness: stuff you can get at a Home Depot. Advantage: Superman -- Ross, via Facebook, winning this week's "Too Soon" Award.

An Earth Day Message

2009-04-24T08:03:00.003-04:00

April 22 was Earth Day, so in order to commemorate this day of environmental awareness, I've enlisted the help of one of the world's leading environmental activists, the Lorax. Take it away, Lorax:

Once upon a time, a ravishingly handsome and intelligent being said, "I speak for the trees, which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please." That was me. And I still believe it. I still believe that we must save the environment.

But I gotta come clean. Last week, I traded in my Prius for a Hummer.

That's right, everybody. The same high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou Lorax who waxed philosophical about saving the planet spent an exorbitant amount of money on a gas guzzling, environment ruining vehicle. I realize that this looks bad.

Before you criticize, let me explain. I make bank off speaking engagements. Just last week your boy got flown in on a private jet to do a corporate gig in Houston where I spoke to about 1,500 branch managers for a major retailer. So I've got a substantial amount of play money to throw around, okay? I've got some serious jack. So the Lorax isn't going to waste all that cheddar and let it sit in a bank. That's not something the Lorax would do. Lorax earned it, and now Lorax is going to spend it. I would give some of it to my kids, except for the fact that I can't have kids, because Loraxes have no working genitalia. It's there, but it has no function. It's like a glorified hood ornament.

The bottom line is that when a Lorax is hungry, a Lorax gotta eat.

I really dug what the Prius represented when you talk about global accountability. But as soon as the salesman down at the dealership let me test drive the H3T, I felt like a king in his throne, glowering down upon all his lowly subjects. I'm a little guy. Always have been. Even though I'm famous, I still get treated with disrespect out in society. I took my girlfriend to Morton's last week. Booked reservations two weeks in advance. We go to sit down, and the hostess asks us me if I want a high chair. I immediately jumped up and bit her shin and just hung on 'til the authorities showed up.

You have no idea how much the Lorax has to compensate to keep his edge. I'm big enough of a Lorax to admit that I have a Napoleonic complex going on. Look at me; my moustache is half my size. Activism and public speaking are cutthroat industries. I have to stay sharp and on top of my game. I cannot afford to look weak. What are my competitors going to think if they see me driving around in some tiny little hybrid? With the Hummer, I feel complete. I can sit up high, and when I drive around I pretend like all the other cars are ants. I could run over them if I want, but since I'm a gracious Lord and ruler, I'll allow them to live.

It's a powerful fantasy, and I'll be damned if sitting in that driver's seat doesn't make me feel energized every time. The effect it has had on my love life has been amazing, as well. It's no secret that females flock to nice vehicles. And while it may be true that I speak for the trees, I also got bitches to please, nawwhatimsayin? I feel like a new man with this car. I haven't had to take Lorax-Viagra in over six months. If you don't believe that a man's car has that big an effect on what girl he ends up with, consider this: right now I'm dating a swimsuit model. Before I got the Hummer, the last girl I hooked up with was the Syracuse Orangeman's wife. In case you're wondering, she looks exactly like her husband, only with a bow on her head.

Besides, there are a lot of reasons why Hummers are actually good for the environment. For one thing - what if a bunch of developers are knocking down some trees in the rain forest? What better vehicle to run them over with than a Hummer? Or how about you've got the world's last dying bald eagle in your front seat, and you're in New York City during rush hour, and you need to bash your way through traffic on the GW bridge to get to the bird hospital? I think the Hummer is eco-friendly in that circumstance, wouldn't you agree? One other way it could be good for the environment: what if the Lorax runs into an old enemy of his, who used to make fun of him back in the day? What if I want to run over his car like a monster truck? I'll be ill-equipped to do such a thing with anything but a Hummer.

In closing, I'd like to say to all of you naysayers crying hypocrisy: grow up. This is not a world of black and white; we all deal in shades of grey. I realize the paradox I represent. One day I may be on Joe Scarborough to warn about the dangers of global warming; the next I may be driving my Hummer in reverse going the wrong way on I-95 just to see all the other people of average height cower in fear as they get out of my way.

I am a big man, okay?!?

The Job Interview: A Simple Guide

2009-04-23T12:33:00.003-04:00

When you combine our nation's economic downturn with the fact that a flurry of college seniors will be flooding the market in a month or so, the ability to successfully interview for a job has never been more vital. So as a public service, since I know pretty much everything about everything, here are a few do's and don'ts to keep in mind on your next interview:

DO make solid eye contact and firmly shake the interviewers hand when meeting him. DON'T attempt to teach him a Lebron-and-Mo-Williams-in-pregame-introductions seventeen-step shake that ends with both of you doing da Stanky Leg.

DO wear a suit and tie. DON'T admit that the last time you dressed like this was 7th grade Picture Day.

DO avoid discussing salary unless he brings it up. DON'T bring a garbage bag full of dollar bills with you to you how "large I'm living."

DO try to frame one of your strengths as a weakness when he asks you to describe your weaknesses. DON'T answer with "fast cars and faster women."

DO use light humor to put the interviewer at ease. DON'T use any anecdotes that end with "....the Aristocrats!"

DO talk about your college experiences and how they may relate to the position. DON'T brag about your college achievements and then challenge the interviewer to a game of beer pong

DO ask questions about the company and position. DON'T ask questions about his boss's wife.

DO research the company the night before and show you're familiar with the corporate culture. DON'T tell him that through the "little miracle" known as the Freedom of Information Act, you were able to acquire the phone number of his boss's wife.

DO hand him your business card, if you have one. DON'T hand him a picture of you and your ex-girlfriend at the Grand Canyon with your signature and phone number written on the back.

DO bring a copy of your resume. DON'T include anything on that resume about how many hard boiled eggs you can eat in an hour.

DO thank the interviewer for his time and get his business card. DON'T offer to give him a thank you back rub at the Days Inn of his choosing.

Never Underestimate Tony Stark

2009-04-22T15:41:00.007-04:00

I'm at the DC Improv Lounge two Fridays in a row, on 4/24 and 5/1. I'm pretty pumped about it, as it's one of the best venues in the area and always has good crowds. I've never not had a great time there, either as a comic or an audience member.

Wait...what's that you say? You'd love to come check me out this Friday, April 24th? You would? You're going to come and bring a bunch of friends with you? That's so awesome....too bad you can't, cause it's sold out already. This represents a massive ticket-buying fail on your part. Too bad so sad. It's totally your loss too, because it has some of DC's best young comics, like the hilarious Brian Parissi.

Fortunately, you've got another chance to catch me at the Prov. I am participating in the Jake Young/Eric Moberg joint production Awesome Boost, on Friday May 1, at 8:00PM. Along with Jake and Eric, my friends Kathleen O'Brien and Evan Valentine will be on the show. Everybody on the lineup is good and funny. Evan has a joke about Ghostbusters that is one of my favorite bits floating around the DC area. The illustrious Tiffany Bridge did a write-up about us for We Love DC, so check out that blurb.

A contributor for Daily Kos that goes by the handle Tia Rachel showed me some love Tuesday; she apparently came across a blog of mine in which I hate on the Rat-Faced Wonder that is Coach K. She threw up a bunch of links concerning your boy, so thanks to her for that. Also, I think I'm going to include "random-blogger-comedian-guy" on my next business card.

So all in all, a pretty good little day today. You might even wonder how it could get any better. I don't think it could. I mean, it's not like I'm going to come across a rap song about Iron Man. That's too awesome to even fathom. And even if that kind of thing did exist, it's not like it's going to come from a talented MC like, say, I don't know....Ghostface Killah? That's just too much to ask.

In other news, I have found the theme song/ring tone/celebratory jam I'm going to use for the rest of my life in every scenario I possibly can. I don't care if I'm 95 years old and the occasion is coming across a sale on adult diapers, I'll still blast this one for everybody to hear. If you're getting married anytime soon, and you'd like to use this for your first dance with your wife/husband, go for it.

You're welcome.

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

2009-04-21T06:19:00.000-04:00

It's now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series "But Could He Beat Chewbacca?" in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.

SOMALI PIRATES
STRENGTHS: Ruthless criminals who will kill, maim, and torture the innocent in order to achieve their end goal of stealing what doesn't belong to them.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: The Somali pirates wait around for an hour on their boat, but Chewie doesn't show. Finally, right before they leave, Chewie, Luke, Han and Lando show up on a dinghy wearing tri-cornered hats and eyepatches. Chewie boards the pirate ship clutching a can. "Not sure if you pirates will want to fight me....after I eat this spinach!" Chewie then downs the entire can of spinach in one gulp. All the pirates look confused.

"Spinach!" yells Chewie. "Popeye? Spinach makes you stronger? Nothing? You should be really afraid right now!" This just confuses the pirates further, as they have no prior knowledge of the concept of Popeye. Exasperated, Chewie throws his hands up in disgust. "These guys don't have any respect for American culture. Allright, let's make this quick." Chewie then whoops all the pirates and afterwards goes fishing for sharks using them as bait. Throughout the entire ordeal, he listens to Hulk Hogan's old 80's entrance music on his IPod.

HORSEBACK RIDING
STRENGTHS: As Madonna proved this past weekend, it's pretty easy to get donked off the horse's back if it gets spooked.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie, taught by his instructor Greedo, does really well for the first two days, but falters on the third when he forgets himself and tries to attack and eat the horse. This is yet another reminder to Han and Luke that while Chewie is their friend, he's still a wild beast.

OVERCOMING NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES
STRENGTHS: Unfortunately, every race or group has some stereotype they need to overcome.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After many years of combatting small-mindedness, Chewie is able to prove to that Wookies can golf, which he thought had been a prevailing stereotype. Unfortunately, no one really knew whether or not Wookies could golf, but a few months back Han and Luke decided to play a prank on Chewie and tell him that everybody thought that they couldn't.

RESPONDING TO INTERNET HATERS
STRENGTHS: Because it can be done anonymously, Internet commenting on videos, articles, or blogs can be done without fear of retribution.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After posting a video of him and Han singing at a talent show, the commenters flood the video with negative comments telling Chewbacca how much he sucks. Rather than be childish and respond, Chewbacca takes the high route, which to him is plugging R2 into the computer to find out the location of all the commenters and then tracking them all down and beating them. When Han asks him how doing this constitutes "the high road," Chewbacca shrugs and goes back to watching videos of skateboarders getting pwned by the pavement.

REPLACING HIS CROSSBOW
STRENGTHS: Anyone who knows Chewbacca knows that his favorite weapon is his trusty crossbow. If anything happened to it, he would be devastated.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: When backing out of his driveway on the way to work, Chewbacca accidently runs over his crossbow, which one of his kids left there while playing with it. After holding it in his hands for ten good minutes while his family looks on in silence, Chewbacca goes back to his room to build a newer, better cross bow. Unfortunately he comes out with a giant rubber band hanging off a broom, which his enemies don't even realize is a weapon.

NOT GETTING FREAKED OUT BY ALF
STRENGTHS: Although very few know about it, Chewie grew up with a paralyzing fear of beloved TV character ALF.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Chewie sit on the set of the Maury Povich show, on an episode dedicated to unusual fears. "Chewie, you can't stand the sight of ALF, is that correct?" asks Maury.

"That's right, Maury. Whenever I see him on TV, I get nauseous. And whenever they had the midget get in the suit and walk around like ALF wasn't a puppet, I got so creeped out I threw up."

"Okay, well today we're going to help you get over your fear. We're going to put you in a sensory deprivation chamber, playing nothing but the show ALF until you're not afraid. See you in two hours."

Two hours later, after Han and Maury have gone over numerous paternity tests, Chewie emerges from the chamber.

"Yeah, well, I think I'm cured," says Chewie, rubbing his eyes. "I'm not afraid anymore, but I finally realized that show sucked."

Ask Dr. McConaughey

2009-04-20T07:32:00.001-04:00

With the blog in need of a relationship and dating expert, I figured who better to give relationship and dating advice than ladies man and Hollywood heartthrob Matthew McConaughey? With a new film coming out this month, Matt was ready to dish all the dating advice the readers could handle, so I'll let him take it away.

Hopeless in Hawaii writes: Dr. McConaughey! I am a huge fan of all your films. My situation kind of mirrors one of your films. See, my boyfriend is a great guy with a heart of gold, but he stills lives with his parents. How can I convince him to grow up and take responsibility for his life and overcome his Failure to Launch?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, so I got this movie coming out called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I play this dude who's too cool to settle down in a relationshp, so I'm real chill when it comes to commitment. Then Michael Douglas shows up and tells me some ghosts are going to visit me, and they do, and then it has a happy ending at the end man. Jennifer Garner's in it man and she has a truly bodacious heinie, man. Not to mention a world class rack. But the thing that's kinda cool about this is that it's like the Charles Dickens movie about Ebenezer Scrooge man. It's just like A Christmas Carol, if A Christmas Carol was a horrific romantic comedy. You might as well call this movie A Guy With Great Abs Shits on Charles Dickens, man.

Dedicated in Delaware writes: Matthew - been a huge fan for years. My girlfriend wants to see other people, but I'm ready to settle down with her. What should I do?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, the best part about this is that Michael Douglas is in this, man. I remember one time when I first moved to LA, I got baked and watched Falling Down one night. At first it was a trip, but then it freaked me out, man. I ended up getting naked, putting on a robe and hiding in my closet with a baseball bat til like 4 in the morning, man. I was so high, I thought Michael Douglas was going to bust down my front door and kick your boy's keyster around the apartment. It was crazy man. I had to eat two whole jars of peanut butter to calm down, man. Then I spent the next four hours deflating a beach ball and just staring at it in wonderment.

Perplexed in Providence writes: Matthew, I need your help. Can you explain Bernoulli's Principle?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, I certainly can mi amigo. Bernoulli's principle deals with the flow of liquids and gases. It states that an increase in the speed of a fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease of in the fluid's potential energy, man. It's similar to the principle of conservation of energy whereas the sum of kinetic energy and potential energy remain constant. I wrote my thesis on it back in the day, man, at Oxford. It's very interesting stuff. If you drew out the equation, it would look something like this, man:

Now, the important thing to remember here is, liquids are not able to reach negative pressure, so the principle is not valid before zero pressure is reached. This is so critical to understanding the principle. If you ignore that crucial fact, it could throw a serious kink into any future equations you may try to compute. It did for me until I fully grasped the concept, man.

Like I said, I could go on all day about it, but I have to jet. I've got to go take my shirt off and walk around outside holding that baby that I bought when my agent told me it would look good if I had a kid.

Madden Retires

2009-04-17T11:52:00.003-04:00

Sad day for the sports world as legendary NFL broadcaster John Madden has retired. Madden was widely respected by players, fans, and his colleagues as being one of the most knowledgeable and capable color commentators in the history of sports television. He is the most recognizable name in football broadcasting. Here to explain exactly what Madden meant to the sports world, and to the sport of football, is the most recognizable name in baseball broadcasting, Tim McCarver. Take it away, Tim:

Today I am going to explain to you exactly what John Madden meant to the sports world and to the sport of football. Now, I am not going to explain it to you by using my voice. I am not coming to your house, sitting down at your kitchen table, and using my vocal chords to produce vibrations in my larynx creating sounds that form words that will help you better understand why John Madden was so important. When I say I am going to explain to you exactly what John Madden meant to the sports world and to the sport of football, I mean I am going write about exactly what John Madden meant to the sports world and to the sport of football on the Internet in a blog.

Now, a blog is short for weblog. Sort of like an online diary. There are even Internet sites where you can go for free and write blogs all day long, if you like. Like I said earlier, it is free, which means you do not pay any money to write the blogs. Some people who are particularly skilled at writing blogs convince advertisers to buy ad space on their blog, thereby turning the blog into a revenue source. Blogs can be about any topic, including your personal life, work, entertainment, hobbies, or exactly what John Madden meant to the sports world and to the sport of football.

Now, that last potential blog topic I said you could blog about - exactly what John Madden meant to the sports world and to the sport of football - that is what I plan to blog about today. One thing you may be confused about is that I used the word blog as a verb, when it is usually a noun. The act of blogging is just sitting down and writing a blog. You can use the noun as a verb to describe the act that you are doing. In order to blog, you just need to sit down and write a blog. That is it. For instance, right now, I am sitting in front of my computer, with my shirt off, drinking a YooHoo and eating Apple Jacks out of the box with my hands. As long as I continue to type at my computer on this blog, then what I am doing is considered blogging. As long as you are writing your blog, you are blogging. It is kind of neat how the same word describes the thing you are writing, as well as the act of writing it. If I were to use the verb blog in a sentence, I would say, "Today, I will write a blog about John Madden, and exactly what he meant to the sports world and the sport of football." Wait....I mean, "Today, I will blog about John Madden, and exactly what he meant to the sports world and the sport of football."

Now, you may notice that above I said I plan to "write" a blog. This may be confusing to some of you. What this means is I am not actually sitting down - with a pencil and paper - and physically writing this blog down on a notepad. What I will do is, I will sit down and open the application Microsoft Word. Microsoft Word is a word processing application on computers in which you -

(Ed. note - Tim! Hold up one second. This is all very interesting, the way you are explaining all these functions in intricate detail, but I thought you were here to blog about John Madden?)

John Madden? I am unfamiliar with his work.

10 Movie Quotes

2009-04-16T08:09:00.005-04:00

A popular note floating around Facebook is the 10 Movie Quote game, where you can post quotes from films and see how many people can identify those quotes without Googling them. See how many you can get from some of my favorite movies. Bet you can't get them all:

1) Luke....I am your father.

2) Here's lookin' at you, kid.

3) Forrest Gump, we salute you.

4) Somebody get me the Ghostbusters!

5) I'm Batman.

6) Speaking of my expert knowledge of terrorism based on my extensive experience as a chef, if we can't get these terrorists off this train, I'm afraid we'll be Under Siege, too.

7) Caucasian men seem to have a harder time levitating high in the air during basketball games.

8) Don't you die on me Riggs! Don't you die on me! Don't you let those South African criminals get the best of you, Martin Riggs! I'm going to need you for Lethal Weapon 3!

9. Hey Schindler! I'm about to go grocery shopping, what's a good way to remember everything I'll need when I get there?

10.) This is Ben Affleck. Thank you for staying for the entire end credits of Gigli. I realize that not many would do that. On behalf of all the cast, crew, and filmmakers, I'd like to apologize. Now, to atone for our horrible film, a really muscular guy who knows kung fu will beat up me and J-Lo. Good day.

First one to name all ten gets $10. Good luck and get going!

Yes! Isiah's Back!

2009-04-15T12:49:00.001-04:00

I'm a huge Knicks fan, and my favorite Knick coach of all time, Isiah Thomas, has returned to the coaching ranks by accepting the head coaching position at Florida International. Based on the aptitude he showed for coaching, here are some other situations that would be the equivalent of Isiah Thomas getting rehired as a coach:

* O.J. remarries

* The captain of the Titanic, after he shoves a bunch of women and children into icy cold waters in order to survive, captains another seemingly unsinkable cruise liner

* Shaquille O'Neal returns to his instructor's position at Madame Evelyn Webberly's Free Throw Shooting and Etiquette School

* Michael Richards, piggybacking off his fame as a beloved character in one of America's most watched sitcoms, attempts stand-up comedy, a craft at which he is both inexperienced and unseasoned

* Roman Polanski vacations...oh, anywhere in the States

* For the next Batman film, Chris Nolan brings back Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face. He also brings back the batsuit nipples

* Bill Buckner is again hired by the Red Sox, this time as their new groundballs-to-first-base-only instructor

* Ted Kennedy gets behind the wheel of a car

* Coming to a theater near you in the summer of 2015......Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari are.......BOSOM BUDDIES

* Pacman Jones back is let back into your strip club after you give him a stern talking-to about how this time, absolutely NO paralzying people allowed

* Jamie Foxx and T-Pain go back to the studio to reteam for another single titled Blame It (On the Poor Decision Making and Lack of Moral Fiber)

This man should be allowed to do nothing but play basketball. If Isiah Thomas ran a lemonade stand, he would hit on all the neighborhoods moms, serve Kool-Aid when they ran out of lemons, and within a week somehow the whole thing would be on fire.

The Best of Status Update Hypothetical

2009-04-14T13:43:00.003-04:00

Every day I post a hypothetical question as a status update on Facebook and Twitter. Here are some of the best responses I've received so far:

You're putting together a dream SNL cast. Who are your top 3 picks?

Danitra Vance, Rob Riggle, and Robert Downey Jr. -- Adam, via Facebook

Who would you cast to replace Heath Ledger as the Joker?

Bernie Mac -- Al, via Facebook, which you can apparently access from Hell

The next one should take place like 40 years into the future, so that Jack Nicholson can play The Joker again. Then him and Lucius Fox can go on a trip to cross things off their bucket lists -- Ross, via Facebook

Which celebrity would surprise you the least if he or she showed up at your door as a long lost relative?

Tony Soprano!!! lol hahaa -- Rebecca, via Facebook (Doubly surprising due to the fact that Tony Soprano is a fictional character, meaning that you yourself are not real)

Bobby Knight, Johnny Carson, the late John Candy, and Samuel L. Jackson -- Jim, via Twitter

Which music star will age least gracefully?

Aaliyah -- Eli, via Facebook

Amy Winehouse -- Everyone, via common sense

Who would win in a fight - Danny Tanner or Carl Winslow?

Didn't Family Matters end with Carl beating Urkle to death? -- Evan, via Facebook

Gordon Street? Ah, yes, Gordon Street. I once knew a girl who lived on Gordon Street. Long time ago, when I was a young man. Not a day passes I don't think her and the promise that I made which I will always keep. That one perfect day on Gordon Street. That's uh, five blocks up, two over.

Look I'm sorry, I know it's a small part but can't we get a better actor than this? -- Robb, via Facebook

Which actor would you get to play you in a movie?

My answer is Gilbert Gottfried, but that is my answer to every question including ones that don't involve people. -- Keith, via Facebook

Jimmy Walker or a young Antonio Fargas -- Lafayette, via Facebook (I just think it's funny hear that he didn't use the young modifier when referring to Jimmy Walker; this leads me to believe that this able-bodied young man would like to be played by a washed-up old comic resembling a rat

You are a mid 90's WWF wrestler. What is your name, gimmick, and entrance music?

Name: The Thousand Dollar Man. Gimmick: spoiled nephew of the Million Dollar Man who received some of the inheritance. He flashes a picture of his BMW 3-series. Song: Something by Naughty By Nature -- Graham, via Facebook

I would model myself after a Cuban-American from Miami, my character would be a mix of Tony Montana and Manny Ray. I would wear gold chains and hang them at the top of the ring before the match and claim "Something happens to this, something gonna happen to you"...My finishing move would be the Razor's Edge where I lift my opponent on my shoulders and throw him onto the mat neck first...As for a name hmm... -- Marques, via Facebook. The name here is obvious....Slicer Hernandez.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in. Big ups to you for letting me get away with another day not posting original content.

Happy Easter Indeed

2009-04-13T07:31:00.001-04:00

U.S. 1, Somali pirates, 0.

This story nearly brought tears to my eyes. Cargo ship captain Richard Philips was rescued from the clutches of Somali pirates by a group of U.S. commandos on Easter Sunday. In an era when it's way too popular to hate on the U.S. and its armed forces, this story, straight out of an action movie, makes me proud. You don't get to hear about special forces giving some bad guys a Hall of Fame facial like this very often, so we should all relish the opportunity to celebrate this.

You never get to hear about stuff like this in the news. Seriously, how many stories on CNN end with something going down that could have happened in Lethal Weapon? During a filibuster on the floor of the Senate today, several Democrats and Republicans took a second out of their busy schedules to chase South African drug dealers down an LA freeway, eventually stopping them by shooting out their back tires.

This is a rare case when the U.S. gets to be the unequivocal hero. I'm sure these commandos do stuff like this all the time, but it's usually clandestine. This creates two problems; A) they don't get the recognition they deserve, and B) we never get to watch videos of them wasting foreign chumps. You know how many views you'd get for a video of commandos drilling pirates on YouTube? Set it to Papa Roach and you've got a viral hit on your hands. Call it the U.S. Commando Pwnage Compilation.

One of the issues has been what to do with the surviving pirates. Try them in America? Try them in Somalia?

Why not have them walk the plank?

This is a situation tailor made for a plank. How often do we as a society get to utilize the plank? Usually, making somebody walk the plank would be considered cruel and unusual. But the irony of these scumbags walking the plank is too delicious to pass up. Just have Obama make the announcement and everyone will be cool with it: "What's everybody so upset about? They called themselves pirates. They knew that planks might be on the docket when they signed up for this life. That's the risk you run as a pirate. Don't matter if you're a Somalian looking to ransack a cargo ship or Captain Hook."

My First Professional Headshots

2009-04-10T12:44:00.005-04:00

Hey - I just got my first head shots done. Two of them stood out above the rest, and I need your help making the final decision. It's a very important call, as headshots often represent a comedian's first impression with bookers and promoters.

Should I go with....

The first one?

Or...

The second one?

Let me know what you think. Thanks for you're continued support.

But You're Kumar

2009-04-10T08:04:00.003-04:00

I understand Kal Penn's decision to join the Obama administration as an associate director of the White House Office of Public Liason. Mr. Penn's selfless dedication to his country represents the same idea President Obama preached to us about in his inaugural address: the idea that we, as Americans, owe it to our nation to give back through service.

But you're Kumar.

I also understand Mr. Penn's desire to use his visibility as an actor to inspire troubled youths within the Asian American community. His shining example of triumph in the face of adversity may lead to young minority Americans setting themselves on the right path.

But you're Kumar.

I understand the sacrifice Mr. Penn made in leaving one of television's most popular shows and a lucrative acting career. Giving up so much that he had worked so hard to accomplish is surely a sign of his devotion to the cause of helping America.

Once again....you're Kumar.

I understand the positive example Mr. Penn wishes to set for so many of the upper class in this country. He's the representation the idea that the responsibility of civil service falls on the shoulders of all Americans, no matter how successful or wealthy they may be, especially in these harsh economic conditions.

You rode a cheetah through a forest.

I understand the gravity of Mr. Penn's commitment. This is not an undertaking one takes lightly. In order to best serve one's country, public officials often need to be on call 24/7. I understand that when joining the ranks of an American President's administration, one must be willing to dedicate their entire lives to that cause, and that total and utter dedication is no small gesture.

Freak Show. Battleshits. Neil Patrick Harris.

Finally, I understand that the struggle for credibility Mr. Penn may face what with his Hollywood status and all. As Americans, we must enable ourselves to trust the opinions of the famous and wealthy. I understand the notion that going forward, our leaders need to be forward thinking individuals unafraid to embrace change. I really understand that lack of experience, in today's political and social landscape, is not the fatal flaw it was once perceived to be.

Seriously man, you're talking to a guy who's favorite movie is Billy Madison, and even I didn't see Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanomo Bay. That was too ridiculous for even me.

As a fellow American, I'd like to say: good luck, Mr. Penn. Thank you for your service. And I hope you don't have to take off too much time to go make Harold and Kumar 3: Harold and Kumar Campaign in Support of Card Check, Legalizing Gay Marriages, Sucking Up to Ahmadinejad, and Abortion.

Inspector Gadget

2009-04-06T06:05:00.000-04:00

I have a new joke I've been working on about trenchcoats. You may have seen its genesis appear last week in blog form. Anyway, one of the tags in the joke references Inspector Gadget. I got to thinking about it, and a lot of aspects of the Inspector Gadget storyline bother me.

You have to assume that Inspector Gadget was involved in some kind of horrible, Robocop-like accident that ended with the police force deciding to put gadgets inside his body. Otherwise, you have to assume that someone built a human with mechanical parts from scratch, and that's way too dark an assumption to make for a cartoon. Cartoon characters playing God wouldn't fly with kids. That's why you never see Goofy in a lab coat, messing with stem cells.

So let's assume that Gadget had an accident, leading to his transformation. Doesn't that make this one of the worst police forces in the world? Did they even ask Gadget if he wanted this procedure done, or was it a trick? "If you'll initial your pension plan here, it's got details on your dental plan, health insurance, vacation time, we reserve the right to make you a robot, and our pay scale. What's that? What did I say? Vacation time. You get two weeks paid vacation. Real plum perk if you ask me."

You can't just insert metal into a dude against his will. He's a man with a life and a family. He probably had a real name. It's not like he was born as Rick Gadget. Gadget isn't a last name. Or maybe it was, and they just erased his memory from his time growing up with the rest of the Gadget clan in Sweden, or Russia, or wherever Gadget would be a common last name.

Here's the real kicker: all these gadgets you put in this dude's body are all for naught, because he's a horrible detective. Isn't there anyone with talent you could have enhanced with gadgets? The only gadgets you should have put in him are office supplies, because he shouldn't be anywhere but the desk. Seriously, the only "Go-Go Gadget" you should have heard this no-talent idiot say was,"Go-go Gadget fax machine!" And then a fax machine would pop out of his ass or something. Plus his hand might turn into a date-stamp.

You'd think that when the city council approved of this plan to make one of their detectives into a robot, they would have safe-guarded against a complete dolt being the subject. Are you just going to throw your money around on a massive project like this and not know who the recipient of the robot parts is going to be? Say something like, "We approve $71 million for this groundbreaking new detective-into-a-robot procedure, with the caveat that we not choose an utter buffoon. If we have to choose a buffoon, make sure he's got a really smart niece and dog who can do his work for him."

This is a police force that doesn't really understand what it has. Forget the guy with all the robot parts. What about Brain? Isn't he the real hero of this? What's more amazing, a guy with a can opener coming out of his elbow or a dog who can non-verbally communicate like humans do? He can't really talk, but he can almost talk. That's more than any other animal has ever done. Some of the Gadget mystique should lose its luster when you compare him to the first dog in history to possess human mannerisms. What does it say for his acumen as a detective when you'd rather have a beagle trying to crack a case? I know if I got murdered, and I was watching my own investigation perched on my roasting stalactite in Hell, I'd rather have Penny and Brain tracking down my killer than this Urkel-Meets-Humphrey Bogart looking ass clown.

I've posed a lot of difficult issues today about Inspector Gadget. Some that may have been answered had the show's writers and producers delved deeper into the psyche of the show's characters. I think this posts says a lot about the depth of the show; namely, that there wasn't much. Turns out that the Gadget universe we all came to know and love was paper-thin, and it left us with a lot of questions. Unfortunately, we may never get the answers we seek.

Of course, just about every question I asked could be answered with it's just a cartoon.

Offensive Metro Zingers

2009-04-05T09:33:00.002-04:00

I'm waiting for the Metro the other night, and I see two groups talking to each other: one is a group of girls, mid 20's, obviously dressed to go out. I would later find out they are from Buffalo. The other is another group in their mid 20's, only this time they were dudes, overweight, and all in Caps jerseys.

Now, I'm a fan of social dynamics. I love watching how a group of people interact and determining what the make-up is, and the body language of this one was easy to interpret: the girls were all sitting on a bench, backs turned, leaning over their shoulders to talk to the dudes. The guys were all facing them, barking over their way, clearly desperate chumps.

I noticed them talk trash about the Caps and Sabres, and the girls point out they are from Buffalo. That's when one of the Caps fans lets this one fly:

"Only terrorists crash planes around here baby!"

This was an obvious reference to the plane crash in Buffalo a couple months ago. Aside from being gloriously offensive (and not all that clever), here is my issue with the zinger: it makes it sound like you're bragging about the terrorists who bombed the Pentagon. Within the insult, it's almost like you're taking the sports mindset and applying it to two unrelated plane crashes. "Yeah baby! The discouraged Saudi's who wrecked the Pentagon are the best plane crashers on the East Coast! GO OVECHKIN!"

Applying the sports mentality to terrorists is dangerous. What's the next step? Bragging about the fact that we have terrorists? "Buffalo sucks so bad, the only thing terrorists would fly a plane into is Niagra Falls, which is impossible given that it's a body of water! CAPS ALL THE WAY." There's a lot of things to be proud of in D.C., but the quality of our terrorists is not one of them. I'd say Buffalo has a distinct advantage on D.C. in the category of "Possibility Our Entire City Gets Nuked Today." Sure, they have no monuments to look at, but there's also zero chance any of them are getting turned into Dr. Manhattan.

I've also never heard anyone insult the quality of a town's pilots. Any airport or flying related insults seem seems like a weird area for sports fans to delve into. I've gotten into it with hundreds of Red Sox fans, and never once have I told them that the air traffic controllers at Logan were for shit. "Ortiz sucks, and so does the newstand right outside Terminal 42! They don't even have Twix! What kind of communist organization doesn't have Twix?!?!"

Once my train came, these guys got on the same car as I did. One of the dudes, who was looking spectacularly douchey with a Caps jersey over a shirt and tie, continued yelling back to one of the girls as people boarded the train. He got on at the last second and turned to his friend to say, "I know it's wrong, but I tell you what, but I was into her."

Oh really? Surprised you let the cat out of the bag! You mean to tell me that you don't spend time passive-aggressively flirting with women on the Metro who you aren't into? Of course she did it for you. She had a skirt and two legs. Don't try to act like you wanting to spit mediocre at a game at her was some huge obstacle for you to overcome based on her being from Buffalo. "She's funny, intelligent, charming, and gorgeous, but I mean.....she's a Rockets fan. Can't spend the rest of my life with someone like that, what if she develops a messed up eye like T-Mac? I can't have my kids having messed up T-Mac eyes." It's funny when a dude spends the better part of ten minutes meekly complimenting a random stranger while trying to drum up interest in what he's got to offer, and then leaves the interaction acting like he has the upper hand.

The best part of the story is the ending. A girl, also trashed, is sitting next to Tie and Jersey. They begin drunkenly flirting, muttering incoherently, sounding like two walruses in labor. At the next stop, she gets off and gives him her number. He starts celebrating and high-fiving all his buddies. He's hooting and hollering, like he just won the NBA Finals. That's when a girl across the aisle pipes up and says, "Um, she gave her number to a guy at the stop before you."

Don't worry about it, man. She was probably a Flyers fan anyway. And I bet the terrorists in Philadelphia suck.

Wolverine Leaked Online

2009-04-04T13:24:00.000-04:00

Someone has leaked an unfinished print of Wolverine online so fans can view it over a month before its release in theaters. Fox is outraged and has said they will prosecute the offenders to the fullest extent of the law. Here are some highlights from the film (beware, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD):

* First twenty minutes of Wolverine's origin story is just a clip of a wolf and a dude doing it

* Although Hugh Jackman appears in most of the promotional material, as a cost-cutting measure Wolverine is actually played by Nathan Lane with mutton chops

* The film introduces a new set of exciting mutants never before seen in an X-Men film, including Gambit, Deadpool, and Benjamin Button

* Wolverine's Dad played by Alan Arkin, wearing the same hairstyle with giant claws

* Introduces one of the least popular X-Men characters, the Tapir. Played by John Stamos, his mutant power is that he gets nauseous whenever the cops are around

* Plot is identical to the plot of The Dark Knight, with Wolverine in the role of Batman, Sabretooth as the Joker, and Patrick Stewart wearing Groucho glasses as Commissioner Gordon

* Not so subtle product placement - Sabretooth and Wolverine have a twenty minute Tarantino-like discussion about Tide

* Entire score composed by Meatloaf

* An hour of the film is actually just a camcorder video of Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman watching The Da Vinci Code at home

* The filmmakers lack of respect for the source material shows when Ian McKellen makes a cameo under the name "The Gandalf Metal-Moving Guy."

* The ending is somewhat confusing, as it's a paparazzi quality video of Hugh Jackman going up to Tobey McGuire at an LA nightclub and saying, "Fight me Spiderman!" and attempting to fight him. When McGuire walks away, Jackman yells out, "Yes! I beat Spiderman! Spiderman's a bitch!"

This Suit Didn't Come Cheap. You Oughta Know, You Bought It

2009-04-01T12:02:00.006-04:00

I'm not going to use today's post to pull some lame April Fools prank on you. I'm far too busy preparing for my spot on Conan in June to even think about something so dumb.

It's April 1st, and I'm pumped to tell you that I've got a lot of great shows coming up in the next few weeks. Slogging through open mics can be rough sometimes, but shows like the ones I've got scheduled coming up are what makes it all worth it. Maybe I'm not aggressive enough when it comes to contacting bookers. Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I caught one! But due to a having a solid group of comics as friends, good shows fall into my lap, and I ain't complaining.

(An aside - I just facialized a smug Quiznos sandwich guy a couple minutes ago. I ordered a medium tuna melt. There were like four people at the counter waiting on sandwiches. The guy yells out my number, and I move to grab the sandwich. He raises an eyebrow and says, "You got a ticket there, Champ?" If he had just asked me for my ticket, I would have had no problem. But he didn't need to throw the Champ out there. No need to be prickish. You throw meat and toppings on bread to get by, you can't call anybody Champ. So I handed him the ticket and said, "You need my driver's license too?" Everybody waiting in line laughed, and he smiled a sheepish grin. He knew what was up. He had returned to his rightful place in the universe, which is underneath the metaphorical boot that is my neverending, razor sharp wit. I felt good about this until I realized that it's not hard to facialize a guy who makes sandwiches for a living. Life has facialized this guy. End aside.)

THURSDAY, APRIL 2 - OLD ARLINGTON GRILL at the ARLINGTON CINEMA N DRAFTHOUSE. 7:00PM

FRIDAY, APRIL 3 - UPTOWN TAVERN in CLEVELAND PARK, D.C. - 8:50 PM

SATURDAY, APRIL 4 - THE TAVERN at Lee's Hill in FREDERICKSBURG, VA - 9:00PM

SATURDAY, APRIL 18 - ENVIRONMENTAL FILM FESTIVAL at YALE UNIVERSITY - 8:00PM w/meatball loving Paisan Brian Parise

FRIDAY, APRIL 24 - HOMEGROWN COMEDY SHOWCASE at the DC IMPROV LOUNGE - 8:00PM

FRIDAY, MAY 1 - AWESOME BOOST at the DC IMPROV LOUNGE - 8:00PM

For more info, email me at mike_eltringham@hotmail.com Most of these shows have a cover charge, but remember: it's not about money. It's about sending a message.

Unnecessary Analysis: Who Would Win if Danny Tanner Fought Carl Winslow

2009-03-31T15:05:00.009-04:00

Carl Winslow and Danny Tanner. Two names synonymous with excellent parenting and mid-90's situation comedy. Caring and sensitive, but at the same time, masculine. Rugged. Not afraid to get their hands dirty if Eddie and Waldo were getting roughed up by pool sharks, or if Kimmy Gibbler was being a giant bitch to Stephanie. These two tenacious family men were the Gehrig and Ruth of 90's television fatherhood.

But who would win if they got in a fight?

That's what we came here to ask today, and that's what we're going to find out. If a situation arose where Carl Winslow and Danny Tanner somehow started fighting, who would win, and why? First, the tale of the tape:

SIZE: Tanner stands about six-four, I'd say he's about 160 pounds or so. Winslow's a stocky five-seven while clocking in at a bulky 225. What you've got is a spry, lanky white dude taking on a stout, compact brother. Danny's got the reach on him, but this would be like a broom stick versus a bowling bowl.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow

STYLE: Winslow's a trained cop, so I'd say he's got some decent self defense moves. On the other hand, I think I remember an episode where Danny took karate or something like that. Either way, Winslow's morbid obesity cancels out any formal training.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner

WEAPON OF CHOICE: Winslow used a gun. Based on Danny's repressed, passive aggressive nature, I could see him using a blunt object like a candelabra or bust of Beethoven to absolutely go to town on someone. It would be one of those things where he takes out harbored aggression he has toward his Dad's expectations of him out on whoever he's beating. Formidable for sure. However, you can't stop a bullet.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow's 9

STRATEGY: Since we never saw either of them in a real fight, let's judge them based on how they dealt with two neighborhood pests. Winslow's hasty requests for Urkel to "Go Home, Steve" reveal an impatient bruiser who refuses to relent until his opponent is hammered into submission. Think Foreman in his prime. However, Danny's annoyed yet cool handling of Kimmy Gibbler shows a calculating tactician. He never kicked her out directly; he always waited until just the right moment to get her trifling ass out of there. He's a man unafraid to wait out the storm. He's calm and collected under pressure, refusing to let an onslaught of brute strength rattle his cage. I see him being quicker than anyone out there.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner

WARDROBE: Tanner wears a pair of 80's nutters with a Magic Johnson jersey. Carl wears a bathing suit that represents one of the few pairs of shorts he can actually squeeze his fat ass into. Also, he wears a tank top to cover up his man-boobs.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner (due to lack of man-boobs)

RINGSIDE POSSE/INTIMIDATION FACTOR: Danny comes to the ring with Joey and Jesse. During the introductions, Joey grabs the mic and launches into a horrible Bullwinkle impression, during which Jesse has to grab him by the nose and say, "Would ya stop it, huh Joseph?!?" in that high-pitched voice he sometime used when condescending to Joey. Carl, on the other hand, saunters down to the ring with Urkel, Eddie, and the Grandma, who was probably the most intimidating character on the show. You know, based on the fact that she looked like a condensed Bubba Smith.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow

So who wins? I see it going down like this: Carl wears on Danny for the first 7 or 8 rounds. He's just killing him with shots to the body. Danny switches from lefty to right after the 8th round and catches Carl off guard. He even gets a couple knockdowns. After a particularly strong jab, Carl crashes to the mat, causing Urkel to grab Eddie and say, "THROW IN THE TOWEL EDDO!" The two corners clash as Grandma roundhouses Joey and calls him a jive turkey. Danny gets Carl in a chokehold that nearly drains him of all his energy. Based on Carl's fatigue, Danny's able to even it up on the judge's scorecard heading into the final round.

Knowing they need a knockout to win, both men pull out all the stops. Beaten and bloodied, they agree before the round begins to throw out all the conventional rules and make this a straight hardcore match. Chains, tables, chairs, ladders, nails, wood, whatever. Anything goes.

It goes back and forth for twenty minutes. For every move pulled off by one of the men, the other has an equally impressive response. For every folding chair Carl whacks Danny with, Danny has a pair of brass knucks to drag across Carl's face. For every pile of nails Danny throws Carl into, Carl has a kendo stick to break over Danny's back. Finally, Carl ties Danny to a Nicky and Alex's race car bed, which they brought into the ring for some reason, and wail Danny with his baton. As Carl goes to swing, Danny plants a boot right in his face, stunning the portly officer. Danny pulls out Stephanie's childhood stuffed animal, Mr. Bear, loads it with pennies, and beats Carl over the head until he can't answer the ten count. Danny wins.

Next month - who would win a Texas strap match: Kirk Cameron or Cody from Step By Step?

The Ignorant Guy's DVD Review

2009-03-30T20:50:00.004-04:00

Slumdog Millionaire, the underdog film that cleaned up at the Oscars this year, is out on DVD this week. Here to give us a rundown of the DVD is Understated Stupidity's DVD reviewer, the Ignorant Guy. Take it away, Ignorant Guy:

Slumdog Millionaire impressed the hell out of the Academy voters. I have to say, it did not have the same effect on me.

Don't get me wrong. It's a compelling story on its own. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy works his way up through Indian poverty to win a million dollars on a game show. It's a story as old as time.

The problem is that as a sequel to Gandhi, it just doesn't hold up.

For a movie that was a sequel to Gandhi, I didn't hear one stinking reference to Gandhi. I understand that it took place in present day, and Gandhi died sixty years ago, but that doesn't mean they couldn't have flashbacks like Godfather Part II. Maybe Ben Kingsley can't reprise his role, but that doesn't mean you can't show a young Gandhi killing crime bosses as he rises to power. It just seemed like a glaring omission. Neither of the two brothers mentioned Gandhi once. I mean, weren't they supposed to be his sons? They were, weren't they?

Another major complaint I had: for a movie about India, I expected to see a lot more eight-armed elephants wearing ornate jewelry. I mean, there's a picture of one on India's state flag. Isn't there?

Because it wasn't a typical Hollywood movie with Hollywood actors, many of the foreign actors weren't of top quality. For instance, the guy who played Regis. First of all, he made no attempt to look, talk, or act like Regis. Never talked about Kelly Ripa or his wife Joy. His biggest issue? How about that he was an Indian guy! Man alive! That's like getting a black guy to play Daredevil's archenemy, the Kingpin. No offense against Asian actors, but there's not one I know of who could pull off a convincing Regis. I mean, with the possible exception of Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman's Asian, right? He's Laotian, isn't he? Wasn't he born in Laotia?

The title itself wasn't believable. Slumdog Millionaire. Everyone knows that only poor people live in slums and that there are no poor people in India. How can Indians be poor when they're all really good at math and fixing computers? If every single Indian guy has such a marketable skill, how could any of them ever need money? All Indians can fix computers, right? Seeing these two Indian boys cheat and steal to get by....I didn't buy it at all. I just figured that every Indian man had the right to learn how to do physics and computer stuff. I mean, Gandhi fought for that right when he defeated King George III in a sword-fighting contest back in the olden times to win India's independence. That happened, right? Isn't that what happened? Wasn't that the climactic scene of Gandhi, or am I thinking of Revenge of the Sith?

All in all, it was an entertaining fairy tale, but as a historical epic, Slumdog Millionaire falls flat. In no way, shape or form does it believably depict Indian culture. They just left out too much. Case in point: any tale of Indian history should have at least a passing mention of the Pilgrims. I mean, they did break bread at the very first Thanksgiving dinner. The Indians and the Pilgrims were the ones at the first Thanksgiving dinner, right? That happened, didn't it? That was real life, right, not a comic book that I read, right?

Wait....was Gandhi at the first Thanksgiving?

Columbo Mania!

2009-03-29T14:55:00.004-04:00

I saw a guy in a trench coat at the Tyson's Corner mall yesterday. You have to wonder why, in this day and age, anybody would rock the trench. You wear a trench coat, I'm expecting you to commit a crime or solve one.

Columbine may have happened ten years ago, but when I see anybody wearing one of these babies I check to see where the exits are. Even if you're not a mass murderer, you give off a I'm-really-into-weird-kinds-of-anime-type vibe. Nobody wants to hang around a guy who likes to watch cartoons of ninja octopi doing battle. I'm not even sure if there's ever been anime featuring an octopus doing ninja stuff, but you have to admit that considering anime's track record, it's not out of the realm of possibility.

If you don't put out the serial murderer aura, then you look like you're trying to be some kind of super detective. Who takes a leisurely stroll through the mall looking like they want to crack a case? You trying to hit up Macy's and round up some clues? The rest of your family is waiting in line to see Monsters vs. Aliens while you're trying to figure out a whodunit. You're wife wants to sit in one of those massage chairs, but you can't because you have to report back to the captain at the precinct. The point is that police investigation and the mall don't go hand in hand. Nobody collects DNA evidence then hollers at a hot pretzel.

Maybe we should congratulate the trench coat guy. Taking an uncommon risk like this represents a bold fashion statement. Applaud him. He could take the boring route like everybody else, but he decided to embrace the Klebold/Harris/Columbo chic.

P.S. I did a Google Image Search for a picture of Columbo, and I was shocked to find that there was a website called Columbo Mania. The site was entirely in Spanish, so we can deduce that one man or woman in the Latin American world apparently gets manic over solid detective work, guys who pretend to be dumb when they're actually smart, trench coats, and glass eyes.

Let Me Get the McNugget Lo Mein

2009-03-28T16:39:00.003-04:00

I get a double cheeseburger from McDonald's the other day. As I'm eating, I notice something strange. On the wrapper is a purple sticker that simply says "Asian."

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

It was so strange. Why would this be here? It's not exactly Unsolved Mysteries material, but it's a puzzle I wanted to figure out. Unfortunately, we have no other information at our disposal as to why this sticker may have been placed there. I spent the better part of a day racking my brain as to why this may have happened. Here are some potential explanations:

THEY'RE IMPLYING THAT DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS ARE ASIAN FOOD: Maybe the guys who worked there mistakenly believe cheeseburgers are inherently Asian cuisine. Maybe they think that thousands of years ago, villagers in the ancient province of Yuzhou concocted a recipe that called for two slices of processed cheese, two razor thin slabs of "meat," a sugary bun, two soggy pickles, and Tic Tac-sized chopped onions slathered with messy mustard and ketchup. One can hardly blame them; after all that is such an interesting array of classic Chinese ingredients. I'm sure the Chinese threw this one together soon after they came up with the idea for beef and broccoli.

THEY'RE CALLING ME AN ASIAN: Maybe someone back in the kitchen, clearly with vision problems, saw me order the thing and thought I was Asian. At the same time, someone else could have ordered the same thing as me. So in order to differentiate between the two double cheeseburgers, the guy preparing it marked it with a sticker he carries around to signify when something is intended for an Asian recipient. As to why they would have to differentiate between the burgers? Maybe the guy spit in mine due to his hatred of Asians.

THEY MISUNDERSTOOD THE MEANING OF ASIAN: Not many of the workers at this particular McDonald's seemed to have firm grasp on the English language. Or a green card, for that matter. So maybe they saw this sticker and immediately thought Asian was an English word for an adjective that actually does describe McDonald's double cheeseburgers. In other words, maybe they thought Asian was the English word for greasy hot garbage on a bun.

THEY MISTOOK IT FOR ONE OF THE MANY OTHER ASIAN ITEMS OFFERED BY MCDONALD'S: You know, like that one Asian food they offer, what is it called again? Oh that's right.....nothing.

I'm sorry, fried nothing.

Bet your pardon, I meant to say, fried McNothing.

AN ASIAN GUY MADE IT: Another possibility is that the guy who made it was proud of his finished product as well as the fact that he is Asian that he marks his food with a purple sticker declaring pride for his heritage.

Imagine you're a young chef at McDonald's. Indian, or Malaysian, perhaps. You're still getting acclimated to your surroundings in a strange land. You don't speak the language very well, but you're cocky. You move through the kitchen with certainty of purpose and panache. You're self-confidence cannot be rattled. You get to the McDonald's, and while they all agree you're good - you make one of the most delicious fish filet's the manager's ever tasted - you're not quite ready to lead the kitchen. So they make you sous chef, and you're relegated to back-up duty.

While the head chef - an esteemed veteran well past his prime - gets all the glory, you get all the grunt work. While he has praise lavished upon him while making front line items like the Big Mac, fries, and McNuggets, you have to toil in relative obscurity with the second stringers of the menu. It crushes your soul to have someone less talented than you given so much credit. Worst part of it is, you're forced to keep quiet in order to continue working there. The only ray of sunshine in your day, the only time when you're allowed to flaunt, is when you wrap a double cheeseburger. Then, and only then, can you mark it with your signature symbol - a purple ASIAN sticker. You can let everyone know that while you may get a mediocre Chicken Select from that old fogey they call a head chef, don't worry about your double chee.....because an Asian guy made it.

Those are the only possible explanations I could come up with. I planned to investigate further, but I figured out how to play Pac Man on my cell phone.

An Economic Theorem

2009-03-27T11:39:00.006-04:00

Your financial status is inversely proportional to the amount of Beefaroni in your kitchen cabinet.

Think about it: if you're living large, you have no need for it. I'd bet you $100 that no one among the wealthy ever "indulges" in anything from Chef Boyardee. Warren Buffett doesn't eat it; otherwise he would have bought the company by now. The Sultan of Brunei has never had to wipe that imitation faux-tomato sauce from his mouth before washing his hands with liquefied gold, or whatever he uses. Even the marginally well-to-do know enough to avoid eating anything that can be described by the adjective beefy. Go and look in your kitchen right now, and then face the facts: you have made some kind of mistake in your life if your shelves are overwhelmingly stocked with the sight of a fat, mustachioed Italian chef smirking back at you.

Unfortunately, dark economic conditions have regrettably thrust this beefy mess back into the public consciousness. Don't blame the food itself, though. When you're low on cash, Beefaroni is like Harvey Dent: it might not be the food you deserve, but it's the food you need.

Smug Microwave Popcorn

2009-03-24T08:10:00.007-04:00

I went to microwave some popcorn the other day. I always have to check the instructions on the bag to see how long I should put it in because I have more important things to remember than how long to cook popcorn.

Turns out the instructions copped an attitude with me. It informed me that I had to stay and listen to the corn pop rather than just set a time. I resent the fact this bag anticipates my negligience towards the popcorn I'm trying to make. Treating me like I'm some deadbeat dad shirking my responsibilities. "You don't want to stick around and listen to the bag pop? Fine! Fine! Just put it in for ten minutes an abandon it, just like you did with everything else in your life!!!"

The bag goes on to say that under no circumstances should I use the popcorn button. Now, the popcorn button was obviously created for heating up popcorn in the microwave. That's why it exists. Do you have any idea how devastating that must be to the guy who came up with that idea? Here's a guy who probably made his name on popcorn. I'm guessing he worships it. He dedicated his career to developing a technology that prepares it perfectly. And here you have the very makers of this product smugly turning their back on this button. How is he supposed to resume his career? How is he supposed to face his wife and kids?

What did I do at work today, honey? Oh, I'm glad you asked. I got shit on the Jiffy Pop Corporation! God, how could I be so stupid! I wish I'd done this before I named my first born Kernel!

Not every food gets a button on the microwave, so you'd think the suits over at Big Popcorn would be a little more grateful for their place on the keypad. Might as well send the microwave manufacturers a picture of Orville Redenbacher pointing to his crotch and flipping the bird.

I Thought We Were Calling It 4 Fast 4 Furious

2009-03-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

What follows is a memo sent to a studio executive from the offices of one Mr. Vin Diesel:

I sat down for my nightly ritual of reading the New Yorker and when I got to the Entertainment section, I just about spit up my Proscecco. Under a preview for a film I had just completed, I saw the title was Fast and Furious.

I thought we were calling it 4 Fast 4 Furious.

Calling it Fast and Furious does not make sense. Paul Walker and I already appeared together in a film entitled The Fast and the Furious. Removing the word the from the equation may be confusing to the masses, who may think it's simply a rerelease when it is actually an entirely new picture. Worse yet, they may think we are remaking it.

After the sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious, I agreed to return to the series, provided that the next picture in the series was called 3 Fast 3 Furious in order to ensure continuity. When the producers opted to change the title, I walked and was replaced by Lil Bow Wow. When they approached me about another sequel, I agreed under the condition that we return to the Number Fast, Number Furious title scheme, and they said yes.

American playwright Steven Dietz said it best: "Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.” Apparently, I was double-crossed after filming wrapped.

I guess I was strung along under false pretenses. Throughout the entire shoot, the director assured me that the movie was called 4 Fast, 4 Furious. I was given swag with that name stenciled on it - t-shirts, director's chairs, sweatshirts, bumper stickers. I gave my Dad a 4 Fast, 4 Furious fanny pack for his birthday last week. Now I feel like an utter buffoon!

Now, am I still glad I made the movie? Indubitably. Appearing in a movie w ith Paul Walker makes me look like Brando. He could be a shoe in the Netherlands, he's that wooden. The title itself is what bothers me. How is the moviegoing audience going to know that this is the fourth movie in the series? We have to give them some kind of cue!

Fast and Furious is an absolutely insipid title. Here are some better ideas we could use:

* The Fast and the Furious, Episode 4: A New Hope

* The Fastest and the Most Furious

* The Faster They Get, The More Furious We Become

* Fast Times at Furiousmont High

* Being Fast Goes Hand in Hand with Being Furious

* Vin Diesel and the Desperate Grasp for Relevancy

* The Fast and the Furious Are Back For a Fourth Installment

* I Got a 90 in Gym, So I'm Clearly Fast, and I Also Have Anger Management Issues, So I'm Fairly Furious

Fast and Furious is an absolute travesty, I tell you. I haven't been this disgusted since the producers behind The Chronicles of Riddick switched from the original title, Super Terrific Happy Fun Necromonger Hour.

Bald-Headed Malaise

2009-03-22T17:17:00.005-04:00

While most of America is celebrating March Madness this weekend, I've recruited college basketball commentator Dick Vitale to talk about a lesser known malady that overcomes people this time of year known as March Sadness. Take it away, Dickie V:

I have awful news for you today, America. Not awesome, baby. Awful. Everyone gets pumped for college basketball right around this time of year, but not me. It just gives me another opportunity to be reminded how much life ultimately sucks. I have a condition called March Sadness, baby, and I suffer from it every day of March.

I put on a face for the cameras. I yell, hoot, and holler my way through games at campuses all over the country. Everyone sees me as this jovial figure who is happy all the time. Not so, baby. In actuality, I find constant reminders in the game of college basketball as to how fleeting this life is, and it depresses me deeply. I first came down with March Sadness in 2000. I was getting ready to do analysis for the Florida/Michigan State championship game. As I was going over my notes and practicing yelling nonsensically at the top of my lungs, an overwhelming feeling of pain rushed through my heart. As I poured over game tape of Mateen Cleaves and Mo Peterson being sensational, I began to realize how futile life really is, baby. The thought of those guys leaving college, never to return, made me think about my one Aunt who had diabetes. I immediately took my phone off the hook, crawled into my warm bed, and ate chocolate ice cream straight from the carton for the rest of the day.

At the Final Four a few years back, I was interviewing Jim Boeheim about his diaper dandy, Carmelo Anthony. I was literally screaming in Jim's face about how fantastic this guy was, how amazing, how scintillating, how sensational, how outstanding he was. When I realized I hadn't actually asked Jim a question, I said, "Baby! How great is it to have a stud like that for four years, baby?" Jim looked at me and said, "Well Dick, it would be nice, but I'm pretty sure Carmelo's going to leave for the NBA after his freshman season."

The smile on my face disappeared, and my whole tone changed. "But Jim," I asked, "How can you carry on while knowing that you're going to lose this precious gift of yours so soon? Is he not a constant reminder of the fragility of our own mortality? Doesn't he make you yearn to hold onto all that you once lost? I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to look at this beautiful talent being taken from you, and how you have to fight the urge to jump in front of a truck at the hopelessness of it all, baby!"

Before I could finish, he retreated to the locker room, and security asked me to leave.

When Shane Battier was at Duke, I remember telling everyone how special he was. And he was. He was so, so, special. If he was on the menu at Quiznos, they would have called him a Special Sandwich. Just the most special person who could ever lace up his sneakers in an NCAA sanctioned event. He was so special, in fact, that he made me wonder whether or not anyone so special would come along to take his place. The answer? A resounding no. He made me think: if that's the most special person I would ever witness play basketball, what's the point of continuing? I'll never find someone as special as him. The crushing blow his graduation left to my heart never allowed me to get close to a special player again. Sure, other special players came along, but no one could ever be as special as him. Score another victory for March Sadness over Dickie V, baby.

Everyone loves an upset. The masses love to see those special kids from Valparaiso, Coppin State, and Princeton pull of stunning victories when no one thought they had a chance. Most Average Joes think there's nothing better than seeing a 14 seed beat a 3. Well, not to me. While some find it scintillating to see a Cinderella story, it just reminds me of how once great forces can be stopped suddenly, with no warning. I'll be honest, whenever I see a major school lose, I grow somber, as it reminds me of the events of 9/11, baby.

The whole thing is just a huge metaphor for tragedy. Bracketology? More like I'll-Never-Know-Happiness-ology.

I suppose I could take medication for my affliction. But sometimes the pain I feel is the only thing letting me know that I'm human. There's only so much Xanax that can halt the stunning realization that one day my bones will be dust, baby. The Reaper is rapidly approaching for me. Look at me. I'm an old man. You might as well call me a diaper dandy, baby, based on my uncontrollable incontinence.

In closing, I'd like to say that life is truly pointless, and nothing reminds me of that more than this bracket I fill out every March. My life is in complete shambles due to the utter and inescapable depression that rushes through my heart every day. All I can do is ask God why he is such a cruel Lord who teases us with fleeting moments of joy and ecstasy while punishing his beauteous creations in the long term with constant sadness, pain, and yearning. I can only pray that I be allowed to perish in my sleep, humbly and quietly, as soon as humanly possible.

Part of me thinks I'd feel a whole lot better if I just got a toupee.

Isolated Wikipedia Passages, Vol. 2

2009-03-20T09:21:00.001-04:00

His newest catch phrase, "My name is Al Harrington and I get Buckets!", is used when New York Knicks power forward Al Harrington makes an emphatic basket.
--CBS Sportscaster Gus Johnson

Shortly after, in postings at WangChung.com as well as the band's MySpace site, there was news of a new Wang Chung album being worked on by Hues and Feldman. In an e-mail response from Hues, he said, "We are shooting for a release around the March 2006 time frame and a tour in May." However, nothing came about.
-- 80's band Wang Chung

Seagal's production involvement (The Patriot, On Deadly Ground) is detectable in the Aikido-inspired fight sequences, general overcompetence of Seagal's character versus antagonists, and repeated references to male on male sexual assault.
-- the 1997 Seagal vehicle Fire Down Below

Also, it should be noted that, despite the misconception that Speedy enforces negative stereotypes, Speedy also possesses a large number of positive qualities: he is overwhelmingly altruistic (many of his cartoons feature him selflessly helping others), he does not drink alcohol (unlike many of his friends), he is friendly to even total strangers, he rescues those in need, he is very intelligent, and has a kind disposition to all.
-- cartoon character Speedy Gonzales; One question: why exactly should it be noted? Who is clamoring to have this noted?

At the 1991 Royal Rumble, Luke set a rather unfortunate record as he lasted a total of 4 seconds. Using the trademark arm-swing walk, he climbed into the ring, walked across in a straight path, was thrown over the top rope by Earthquake, and proceeded to leave the arena--without missing a beat--using the trademark arm-swing walk.
-- WWE tag team the Bushwhackers

Ernest then goes to the bank where he works as a janitor at night, only to find that Nash has assumed his identity and is in the process of robbing the bank. He uses his super powers to fly through the skylight of the bank with a bomb that Nash had attached to the vault and two bank employees, which leads to a spectacular mid-air explosion. Everyone assumes that Ernest has been killed, until he falls through the skylight and lands on Nash. Ernest declares, "I came, I saw, I got blowed up." Ernest then pulls out a shank, winks at the camera and says, "I'm going back in to avenge my Daddy!"
-- epic Ernest vehicle Ernest Goes to Jail; I made the last sentence up.

Introducing My New NCAA Basketball Correspondent

2009-03-15T14:34:00.004-04:00

The NCAA tournament starts on Thursday. I think it's the single greatest sporting event going today. To cover the tournament for my blog, I've signed former CBS analyst Billy Packer on as a correspondent. Packer is one of the most respected commentators in the business, so this is a major coup for me. I even called a press conference to announce the signing. Here's a transcript of what went down:

MIKE: Thanks so much for joining us here today, everyone. I'm thrilled to announce that Understated Stupidity's chief NCAA basketball correspondent will be none other than William Packer. We're going to open this up for questions, but first Billy would like to make a statement. Here he is everyone, Billy Packer. Billy?

(Applause)

BILLY: Thank you, Mitchell. I'm excited to be here. It's been a long season, and I'm excited to be back where I belong. Everyone asks me: Billy, how did you keep busy during the season? I found that question to be rather insulting. I mean, it's not like I stayed home every night watching basketball in a wifebeater and boxers, eating peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon. I've got a lot going on, including an endorsement deal for a new product I'd like to tell you about.

Like George Foreman with his grill, I have lent my name to an exciting new kitchen appliance. Everyone who's ever worked with me knows I have a notorious sweet tooth. Often during games I would make Jim Nantz go to the concession stand to get me a chocolatey treat! For my money, one of the best ways to enjoy chocolate is to experience the wonder that is fondue. So it's with this in mind that I introduce to you my new fondue set - the FudgePacker!

I'm glad everyone is laughing out of excitement for this new and great product.

The FudgePacker isn't like other fondue kits. The FudgePacker gets more fudge in there than any other fondue set, and it gets it in there nice and tight. Please stop laughing; I'm glad you're excited but calm down so I can give everyone a demonstration. I brought this banana today to dip into the Fudgepacker. Again, why is everyone laughing still? What I do is, I take the banana, and I ram it up in there. Then it packs in the fudge so it's got nowhere to go but directly on the banana.

I don't understand why you are laughing so hard.

Like I said before, I am famous for my sweet tooth. In fact, people have called me a FudgePacker for years. A few years back, three or four Arizona fans cornered me outside a tourney game and yelled out, "Hey, FudgePacker!" I was pretty surprised that even they knew about my love for the cocoa bean. I remember one time Clark Kellogg, that no good snake-in-the-grass who replaced me on CBS, said into his microphone, "Let's hear what that bald asshole FudgePacker has to say about this game." While I didn't respect the "bald asshole" part, I could at least laugh at the fact that he was using the nickname so many of my friends have for me. I'm glad everyone finds this so amusing. These are rather comical anecdotes.

The reason I'm so excited about the FudgePacker is that it's a gift the whole family can use. You get the kids, the aunts, the uncles, and the cousins in the kitchen around Christmas time, and you can everybody in the family take part in some good old fashioned FudgePacking. You can have as many as seven or eight family members at once packing fudge into the FudgePacker. I remember last year, we can out of things to dip into the FudgePacker, so I just jammed my whole fist into the FudgePacker and ate the fudge straight off my hand! I have to admit, using my fist was just a way to impress my grandkids. Sir? In the front row? Stop laughing. You can even get creative with what you stick into the FudgePacker. The FudgePacker can take just about anything you can shove into it. Feel free to experiment. Anything goes.

Please stop laughing. I fail to see what is so funny about this announcement.

So there you have it everyone. CBS may think I'm obsolete, but I'm determined to use this FudgePacker to get back into the limelight. When people think NCAA Tournament, they're going to think about Billy Packer, elbow deep in fudge!

What is everyone laughing at?

You Gotta Admit, It's Pretty Funny

2009-03-15T11:16:00.002-04:00

Text message exchange between me and Amy, around 3PM Friday afternoon:

ME: Metro closed down. F My life

AMY: Really? What happened?

ME: A guy got hit by a train.

AMY: F his life

Happy Birthday

2009-03-13T13:15:00.002-04:00

Today is my Mom's birthday. She's more than awesome for a number of reasons. One of those reasons? One of her favorite movies is Bad Santa.

Happy Birthday Mom. Thanks for giving the birth to me.

I Love You, Bro

2009-03-12T06:41:00.004-04:00

Bromance fever is sweeping the nation. Guys everywhere are declaring their non-sexual man-crushes on other men. Today I've got a big exclusive: an excerpt from the world's first ever bromance novel. It's the first novel in a series called The Trust Fund Douches. Here's a sneak peak:

As I stood at the bar, clutching my raspberry mojito, there he stood: my boy Jared. With his pink polo shirt and his popped collar, I realized that I was looking at the epitome of brohood. As he performed his signature handshake-hug on the bouncer he had just met, he sauntered through the smoke-filled bar over to me.

"Sup, brah?" he says.

I smirk. "Nothing, brah. Just looking for some fine-ass trim, or some tail."

He smirks back at me. "I feel you, brah, like totally. The talent in here is dope."

The silence was awkward. As Journey's Don't Stop Believing blasted over the loudspeaker, we both smirk at each other.

"Dude!" he exclaims. "This song is so horrible it's boss, like in an ironic way!"

"Totally brah!" I shoot back. "It's fun to act like we enjoy it, when in fact we're actually mocking it!"

A girl with bleach blonde hair approaches Jared. The aroma of stale gin and desperation clings to her like a monkey to a banana. I could only make out a few faint words from their conversation. She says something about her Dad, then brags about how much she had to drink that night. Before she could give Jared her number, she stumbles over towards a bar stool and vomits all over the ground.

Jared winks at me. "Totally hitting that later, brah!"

"Yeah, brah, totally," I say. "We should Eiffel Tower that shit."

As the numbers in the bar grew, Jared and I are forced to squeeze closer together. The intoxicating aroma of his Axe body spray hits me like a sharp slap in the face. Everything is perfect; his gelled up hair contrasts perfectly with the seashell necklace draped over his neck. It was like he had been pulled directly out of an Abercrombie catalog. This was a man I was lucky to be bros with.

"I tell you what, brah," he yells over the music, "I could go for a drink."

He confidently pushes his way through the crowd and to the bar. Brilliantly, he pulls a crisp $100 bill out of his pocket to lure the disgustingly pudgy bartender over to us. He orders two Long Island iced teas, but when she returned with our drinks, Jared smirks at her dismissively.

"Fill that up, bitch!" he said, as he put the benjy back into his pocket and pulled out his Daddy's American Express card.

The fat sea cow glares back at him, clearly offended. "Don't talk to me like that!" she yells.

Jared signs his check, leaving a dollar tip on a $16 tab. "Maybe if you lose some weight I'll give you a better tip next time, Chunky," he yells, flipping his pen into her face and turning his back.

Moments like this make me happy to be bros with this guy. My only regret on this night is that I cannot pop my collar higher. For once I am actually jealous of Dracula, the Prince of Darkness.

"Hey," says the bald, 300 pound bouncer. "You're grabbing the girls, and my bartender says you threw a pen in her face. Time to go."

"What's that, brah?" Jared has now been insulted. "Are you trying to step to me? Do you even know who my Dad is?" With this Jared pokes him in the chest.

"Now, come on," says the bouncer, clearly a bitch. "You touch me again, I can and will get physical. Seriously guys, you do not want this to escalate. I'm an MMA expert and I will hurt you if I have to."

Jared turns to me. For just a moment, his eyes flash an empty, defeated look at me: deep down, he knows that this dude can soundly whip both of us. He knows, in his heart of hearts, that neither one of us has ever accomplished anything on our own merit. Our entire identities are all based on our rich parents providing us with a cash flow to preserve this lie. Beneath all the frosted hair, beneath all the braggadocio, are two scared, talentless douches with no real goal or purpose in life other than to wear flip flops and get fake tans.

But Jared won't show any sign of weakness. No compromise.

"You know what, brah?" he stammers, his voice cracking. "What do you say we teach this bitch a lesson?"

I tear up myself. I know what's coming, but I nod anyway. "Whatever you say, brah. I totally got your back."

With this, Jared empties his drink on the bouncer's head.

*********************************

It's four hours later. Jared and I have been beaten to a pulp and are currently resting in a pile of garbage in the dumpster out back.

I look at him and great sadness washes over me. This once proud bro has been absolutely pwned by a greater male. Can we return to the bar? Or any bar? Anywhere we go, the stink of failure will follow us. Some may question our status. Sure, they'll be impressed when we pull up in our Dad's Mercedes, but what about once we get out and they see our black eyes?

I wonder to myself if either one of us can overcome this beating of a lifetime to strut and pose our way through a sea of alcoholic sluts and douches in their mid 20's while horrible Top 40 drivel blares too loudly over a bad sound system.

Suddenly, Jared feels around in his backpocket. "Dude!" His eyes widen in excitment. "I've got two roofies left!"

I smile. "Yeah bro! Time to go mack on some talent, brah!"

We grasp each other's hands in an awkward white boy handshake-hug. These bros are back!

God I wish he would make out with me.

Mike and Chris At the Movies

2009-03-11T06:31:00.001-04:00

Welcome to a new monthly feature I'd like to call Mike and Chris At the Movies, where my buddy Chris and I will review films that have recently debuted at the box office. Chris has contributed to this blog before. After years of fanfare and hype, Watchmen opened last weekend, and here's our take on it. If you haven't seen the movie or read the comic, there are lots of spoilers ahead.

MIKE'S TAKE: Watchmen was a film made for the fans of the graphic novel, and the fans have responded positively. According to most, the film was just about 100% faithful Alan Moore's 1985 comic. Therein lied the problem: the film adaptation was too faithful to the original source. The narrative style of Watchmen the comic worked perfectly for what it was. Unfortunately, that same style didn't work cinematically.

The studio system has been heavily criticized in the past for straying too far from the source material. In some cases, the fans were right; X3 sucked butt. It seems that with this property, Warner Bros. wanted to make sure not to offend any of the hardcore fans. The problem is that just because a geek loves the Watchmen storyline does not mean they know the best way to translate that same storyline to film. A comic book is one thing, a screenplay is another. They're different formats and they need to be treated differently. William Goldman wrote about this in Which Lie Did I Tell? When you're adapting a screenplay, your only duty to the source material is to preserve the spirit and theme. Change whatever you need to in order to make it work for an entirely different medium.

The movie ended up being way too discombobulated with no semblance of flow. It also ended up coming a little too close to being exactly what the comic was a satire of. The opening montage was kind of laughable; I kept thinking about how confused I would be if I had never read the comic. Having it take place in the 1980's was a mistake. Maintaining the Cold War angle felt like something they kept in to appease the fans. When Moore wrote it, the Cold War hadn't been resolved. The Soviets were still a threat. Adapting it to today's world, with terrorism replacing communism, would have been the best bet.

Obviously, there are aspects of the story you had to keep. It's not like they could have ended it with Rorscach and Manhattan holding hands and skipping through a meadow of daisies. But overall, the story, or at least the narrative structure, should have been radically altered to fit the medium.

That's not to say it was horrible. Every scene with Rorscach was money; if they released a Youtube video entitled "The Guy Who Played Kelly Leak Wearing a Mask" ownage compilation, I would watch it all day. The prison break scene was amazing, as was Manhattan's origin story.

For the most part, it reeked of filmmakers who had a little too much respect for the original. They needed to worry more about making a cohesive film than respecting their source. Also, while we're on the subject, the glowing blue penis was a little much. I've read a lot of message board posts asking what the big deal is about exposing a part of the male anatomy. I'm here to tell you that every time a glowing blue hog comes on a movie screen, no one's going to be able to focus on anything but that glowing blue hog. That's just how the human eye has been trained.

Well, that's my opinion. What does my boy Chris think, you ask?

BLUMBERG'S TAKE: I about did a back flip in the theater as soon as I saw that shimmering blue hog. Here is what I would do with -

MIKE'S TAKE: So, you liked it? Great to hear Chris. I think that's all we need to know.

Jamie Foxx Featuring Richie Cunninghizzle

2009-03-08T00:32:00.001-05:00

Before I saw Jamie Foxx's video for Blame It on the Alcohol, he had my respect for two reasons: 1) his undeniable acting ability, and 2) his total lack of self-awareness as an R&B artist. You wouldn't see Meryl Streep shaking her ass in a 112 video, is all I'm saying.

Anyway, here's the link to the video. Watch it, then let's meet back here to discuss.

I get Forrest Whitaker and Samuel L. Jackson. Two of the best black actors alive. Jake Gyllenhaal? I can see that. One of the biggest name among Hollywood's younger generation of actors. Ron Howard? Well, of course that one....wait, Ron Howard?!?! I have some thoughts on this:

* Clearly, he stacks the video with big Hollywood names to make himself look cool. But he reached a little too far there with Opie. In what way does Ron Howard improve the quality of a music video in any way? Especially a rap video about getting drunk at a club? Does his presence really pump up your own status that much? Videos are watched mostly by teenage kids. I'm guessing most of their parents weren't even conceived when Andy Griffth was on the air.

* Why not throw in someone who makes movies appreciated by rappers? Scorsese or Pacino maybe. I've seen enough episodes of Cribs to know that Ron Howard doesn't have that much street cred in the hip hop community. Don't think you'll see one of the Ying Yang Twins put up an Apollo 13 poster next to the stripper pole.

* Maybe they thought his frumpiness would serve as a stark contrast to the skin tone of everyone else in the room. He makes Kenny G look like Idris Elba. Other than that, I can't see why you would include an aging white director in your video. George Lucas isn't making a cameo next to Young Jeezy.

* Let's get this out of the way: it's a really good bad song. Even the involvement of T-Pain can't stop this from being enjoyably horrible. It's like Above the Law-era Seagal. By the way, my boy Marques summed up the T-Pain Era best when I asked him if he liked this one. His response? "It's getting to the point where if I see the words 'featuring T-Pain,' I just can't do it."

* The look on Ron Howard's face at 0:46 says, "I'm sorry, black people."

* This video is so loaded with famous black actors, at one point I'm pretty sure I could pick out Morris Chestnut serving drinks.

* Note to Jamie Foxx: you have been in movies with Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Al Pacino, and Eddie Murphy. You could have done a lot better. At least give me Dennis Quaid or Mark Ruffalo, something.

* Not to be outdone, Ludacris has announced that his next video will feature Henry Winkler and Scott Baio smoking Cohibas. Also, in the video for the remix of Dead and Gone, TI has recruited Tom Bosley to just kind of hang out in the background wearing a throwback jersey.

* If he was alive today, I wonder if Jamie would have invited Martin Luther King, Jr. to appear in this? And if he did, would that have undermined his image as this infallible, mythic figure in the eyes of the public? In elementary school, Dr. King was always presented as this larger than life hero who could do no wrong. You think he would have lost some credibility if one of our lasting images was of him drinking out of a Crunk Cup?

* Could you imagine these four guys hanging out together if they weren't all famous? How creepy would it look if this foursome was chilling in the corner at a club? "Hey Cynthia, those guys over there want to buy us shots. You know, the one with the lazy eye, the forty year old who acts like a teenager, the repressed gay dude, and the balding old white guy who used to be in Happy Days."

* On second thought, I would pay money to see them drunkenly eat pancakes at IHOP around 3AM. Jamie and Ron Howard arm wrestle while Jake drunk texts a potential booty call. Meanwhile Forrest Whitaker is up front, macking on the Guatemalan hostess who barely speaks English.

* Jamie Foxx wearing a giant panda head is the equivalent of Burt Reynolds walking onto Celebrity Jeopardy with an oversized cowboy hat.

* This video makes it official: T-Pain has no idea we are laughing at him.

* Ron Howard surrounded by hood rats brings to mind a line from Costanza: "I'd like to rub my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body."

* Finally, Samuel L. Jackson looks like if you asked him what he thought about the people behind this video, he'd say, "YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!"

But Could He Beat Chewbacca? Jim's Birthday Edition

2009-03-05T06:21:00.000-05:00

Today is my brother Jim's birthday. He's one of the best guys I know. Here's my favorite Jim story: when I first started writing comedy, I would send my jokes over IM to a select few of my buddies. Most of them would tell me everything I said was pretty funny. Not Jim. If he didn't like an idea, he let me know. One time, after vetoing a joke idea, he explained to me why he did this:

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have to be honest with you. I don't want my kid brother going on stage with nothing but his dick in his hand.

Ultimately, everybody needs that in their life - someone who you know is in your corner, but isn't afraid to tell you like it is. If that same person drops a Sonny Corleone quote in the process, hold onto their counsel like grim death. Jim, like me, is a huge Star Wars fan, so what do you say we fire up a But Could He Beat Chewbacca in his honor? Let's do it:

BIRTHDAY CAKE
STRENGTHS: Not many. It's hard for anyone to screw up this classic dessert item.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As Chewie slaves over a hot oven trying to make a German chocolate cake for Han's birthday, he looks on in horror as the cake turns into a lumpy mess.

"Yo!" says Chewie to Luke, who was helping him in the kitchen, "Did you put enough eggs in the batter?"

Luke furrows his brow. "Batter? I thought those were for the birthday omelettes you wanted me to make."

"I never said anything about birthday omelettes!" screams Chewie.

"Yeah? Well that's too bad, 'cause these birthday omelettes are going to be good as shit."

Chewie frantically heads over to Baskin Robbins to pick up a Cookie Puss, Han's favorite. He's shocked to find the ghostly form of Ben Kenobi behind the counter waiting on him.

Ben smiles at him as they complete the transaction. "$11 is your change, and I did not rub my balls on your cake. Have a good day!"

"Wait, what?" says Chewie. "What did you say about rubbing your balls on my cake?"

Obi Wan wags a finger at the Wookie. "Ah, correction - I said that I did not rub my balls on your cake!"

"But uh," says Chewie, at a loss for words. "The thing is, the mere fact that you would say that makes me think you did."

"Oh?" says Kenobi. "How so?"

"Well, why else would you make that statement? It just seems like that's the kind of thing you would go out of your way to say only if you actually did rub your balls on my cake. I don't know if I can trust you after you said that."

"Well," says Obi Wan, taking his ghost-shirt off as he walks into a back room, "Guess you'll have to trust in the Force then!"

Chewie races through rush hour traffic to get home to Han's party. On the way home, he encounters 8 wampas, an angry motorist he cut off, three Gammorrean guards, that little guy who lived on Jabba's shoulder, and an angry bear that mistakes the Wookie for another bear that owes him money. Finally, he shows up for the party and slaps the cake in front of Han while all their friends look on in party hats.

"Happy birthday buddy," says Chewie, out of breath.

Han smiles and rubs his hands together. "Aw man, Cookie Puss!" he exclaims. "My favorite!" He eagerly shovels a forkful down his gullet. After about thirty seconds he pauses and makes a face. "Ugh!" he yells. "This tastes like....Obi Wan Kenobi's balls!"

Everyone goes quiet and looks at Chewie. Leia breaks the silence when she asks, "Wait a minute, how do you know what his balls taste like?"

More silence. Before Han or anyone else can react, Luke bursts through the kitchen door carrying a frying pan.

"Allright bitches," says Luke. "Get ready to suck omelette!"

DON MATTINGLY
STRENGTHS: Former New York Yankee great. The greatest defensive first baseman of all-time and a sure-fire Hall of Famer if he hadn't injured his back.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Donnie straight up whips Chewbacca, who has to tap out about five minutes into the fight. Chewbacca does achieve a moral victory when he's able to coax Donnie into giving him a free lesson on how to make love to a woman.

COMING ACROSS A COPY OF VECTOR PRIME IN THE BOOKSTORE
STRENGTHS: Vector Prime is a Star Wars novel that takes place 25 years after the events of the films. It's controversial among Star Wars fans because it features the death of a major character...Chewbacca.
STRENGTHS: We join Chewie and Han in the middle of their usual Sunday routine of shaking down nerds in the SciFi section of Borders for their money.

"You sure this is kosher?" says Chewie, counting out a stack of singles. "It feels wrong."

Han twists his boot in a nerd's face while he counts out a bag of pocket change. "Down economy, bro.....we gotta survive. What is this, a Chuck E. Cheese token? What is this shit, Byron? Go clean off your Mom's dresser than come back to me."

Chewie stops counting money when he sees a copy of Vector Prime on a bookshelf. He flips through to the end, and his eyes well up with tears. After Chewie explains that he read about his own death, they both spend a few minutes crying, fly out to LA to find the guy who wrote the book, beat the shit out of him, then come back to Borders to look at the romance novels and snicker.

HELPING IMPROVE THE ECONOMY
STRENGTHS: A very difficult task, one which falls in the laps of every American to do their part.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Luckily, Chewie is able to help the problem directly, as President Obama's stimulus package includes a government funded program where Chewbacca is called on to shit on bags filled with taxpayer money. When asked what possible purpose this program could serve, Obama said, "I won, so what does it matter?"

DEBATING LANDO ON THE MERITS OF SPACE-AFFIRMATIVE ACTION
STRENGTHS: Affirmative action is a hot button topic in our modern society; one would think that it is also a sensitive topic in space.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Lando's argument: "The simple fact that as space-minorities, we are less likely to earn as many space-bucks as space-whites for doing the same work." Chewie counters with, "I don't know what it's like to be a a space-African American, but I am basically what amounts to being an 8 foot tall Saint Bernard, so I've seen my fair share of space-discrimination." After the debate, the two old friends shake hands, despite their differences, and comb the space-night clubs for space-poon.

SPLITTING THE CHECK FOR CHEWIE'S BIRTHDAY DINNER
STRENGTHS: This can be a complicated task when you're talking about larger parties.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and fourteen of his closest friends all go out for dinner and drinks at the Tatooine Cheesecake Factory. The night is full of old stories and laughs; it really is a great time. At the end of the night, the bill comes and it is huge - 8 hundo. Chewie slips away to go to the bathroom, and one by one, his friends follow him. After about ten minutes, the table is empty, save for Greedo, who is mindlessly doodling on a napkin.

"Excuse me, sir?" says the waiter. "I need the money for that check now. Oh, and you also received a telegram from a man named Chewbacca. I'll read it to you....Hey there jerk off STOP, good luck footing the bill STOP, you'll be washing dishes until next Wednesday STOP, U R gay STOP."

Greedo dejectedly goes over the bill, line by line. As he does, Luke comes out of the kitchen. He wears a chef's hat and carries a frying pan.

"Cheer up, man! Try one of my omelettes!"

"Okay," says Greedo. "Thanks Luke, this looks delicious. I could use a good omelette right now. I truly cherish your friendship. "

Luke stands there as Greedo devours it. When he's finished, Luke laughs in his face. "Dude, I can't believe you ate that whole thing!"

Greedo drops his fork, frozen in horror. "Why?"

"Because after I made it, Obi-Wan rubbed his balls on it!"

Hello Fredericksburg

2009-03-04T23:42:00.012-05:00

Tonight at 9PM, I'm doing a show at the Loft in Fredericksburg, Virginia. It will be a great show. Before I give the run down, a brief history between me and this great city:

I grew up in Fredericksburg, and that's where my comedy career began. During my first year doing stand up, I was booed, heckled, and ridiculed by many of the audiences there. They hated me. At one bar I was even heckled by the guy who owned the bar. That wasn't even the worst of it. Often somebody would heckle me, and then once I came offstage they would tell me that they were "just trying to help," and then give me tips on how I could get better. Because everyone knows your comedic sensibilities aren't truly refined until after your fifth Jack and Coke.

Before I preview the show tonight, I'd just like to say that I have no hard feelings towards the city. Honestly, my family and many of my friends still live there, and I always love going back. Sometimes it gets stereotyped as a redneck town overrun with commercialization, but I don't believe that for a second. I just want to make that clear to everyone.

As for tonight's show, I will be doing my act, but man is there a great lineup before me. The MC for the show is Dwight Preston, a bartender at Hard Times who just got out of jail for possession. He's got a tattoo of a Confederate flag, and a swastika that was converted into a pinwheel after he accepted Christ as his Savior.

Next up is a three women act that call themselves, "Three Drunk Bitches Who Sing Don't Stop Believing Right Before Last Call." They were discovered when one night, right before last call, they drunkenly stammered out a horrible version of Journey's hit song Don't Stop Believing in a last ditch attempt for some male attention. The girls even throw in some great dance moves, like my personal favorite, the one where they awkwardly grind on each other until they realize no one's paying attention. It's true that the girls aren't that cute, but they are what's known as Fredericksburg hot; in other words, they have all their teeth, no kids, and they have their associate's from Germanna Community College.

Fredericksburg is known for its Civil War battlefields, so the next act has a little bit of historical flavor. Two reenactors, dressed as Abe Lincoln and Robert E. Lee, are going to stage a swordfight. I've seen this before and (spoiler alert!) Lee wins with a fake decapitation (/end spoiler). It's not really a reenactment, since no swordfight came remotely close to happening between these two men. I'm pretty sure that if it did, Lee wouldn't end the fight by telling all the Northerners in the crowd to "suck it," pointing to his crotch while Freebird played over the loudspeaker. Also, I'm no history expert, but I'm positive General Lee never dressed like Macho Man Randy Savage.

To break up the show, the Loft scheduled a contest: it's called Which Clearly Pregnant Woman Can Smoke the Most Cigarettes While Their Husbands Hit on Underage Girls at Another Bar?

After that, I'm going to go up and do 15 minutes, most likely to blank stares. Even so, I'm pumped for the show. Everyone sleeps on this city; they call it a no-good ass-backwards hick town with no culture to speak of. I disagree, and tonight, we're going to prove that Fredericksburg is culturally refined. I can't wait to prove the doubters wrong.

Oh, almost forgot to mention: for the final act of the night, a bunch of shirtless hicks will congregate on stage to form a jug band while two greased up barnyard pigs wrestle. Also, an old guy with a long white beard will play the fiddle.

Giant Man-Birds Are Disturbing

2009-03-04T12:50:00.001-05:00

So I'm kicking it in D.C. the other day with Trina. We're doing the museum thing, even though it's pretty cold. We're walking down 13th Street, and this giant eagle in a Nationals uniform approaches us looking for a high five. Trina goes to smack him with her purse, as she's wont to do, but I stop her. I recognize him. Turns out it's the Washington Nationals mascot, Screech. He just got a makeover, and he's canvassing the city to promote the team.

"Hey man, you can drop the act," I say. "Why don't you take a minute off?"

Screech leans against a building. He pulls out a cigarette. "Thank you brother," he sighs, clearly tired. "I can't tell you how much I could go for some feed right now."

"I've never talked to a sports mascot before," I say. "What's it like?"

He shakes his head. "It's a hard-knock life, my man. Very brutal. By the third inning, they're sick of me. They think I'm a joke. In the bird world, I'm the king of the castle. But at the stadium, I'm just a big fluffy buffoon that kids can throw nachos at."

"Wow." I'm taken aback. "You seem like the most regal of all the mascots."

"You would think so, right?" he says. "Think about it: if I go out into the woods, I can hunt deer, man. Deer. I can pick one of those jokers up. You're talking to an animal who is regularly straight lunching on some buck. That's how powerful these talons are. Now, you drop me in the ballplayer's world? I'm a dork. Last week Dmitri Young poured Gatorade on me while I was preening."

"Wow...is it really that bad?" I say.

"Oh yeah," Screech says, pulling out a flask. "It takes a toll on you. I have no social life to speak of. Last week I met up for drinks with a flamingo I met on FowlFinder.com, but that's it."

"How does the team treat you?" I asked, as Trina looked at her watch, exaggerated.

"Oh, worse than dirt. Usually, when you get injured on the job, you get workman's comp, correct? Well, last week I fractured my wing when I flew into a mirror, thinking it was another room. Not only did I not get any benefits, but they didn't give me any paid leave. I had to be back the next day to fly Nick Johnson to his 398th rehab session in Atlanta with Dr. James Andrews."

"It sounds like you have it pretty tough," I say." What's the least appealing part of the job?"

Here, he doesn't hesitate. "Feeding the players."

"Wait, what?"

"Feeding the players. There's nothing worse after an extra-inning, rain delayed game than having to regurgitate chicken carbonara for Ryan Zimmerman."

"Oh my God!" I recoil in horror. That was a little much. Trina looks over at me. She's starting to get frustrated.

"Hey!" she yells, exasperated. "Are we going or what? I want to get to the Air and Space Museum while I'm young. I'm trying to see some giant model airplanes up in this bitch."

"You want to go while you're young?" says a smirking Screech. "Hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you missed the boat on that one."

"Allright now," I say, holding up my hand. "Check your tone, Screech. I can't let you disrespect my lady like that."

"Disrespect her?" Screech scoffs. "I think you disrespected her when you let her leave the house in that purple hat."

Out of seemingly nowhere, Trina's purse hits him across the beak with a powerful thwack. She is absolutely livid. After a passing police officer and a Nationals official on hand intervene, the shouting match begins.

"Keep your trick in line, bro!" the angered eagle screams at me. "Keep that purple hatted trick in line!"

"Don't you talk to my boo like that!" she bellows with Grandma Madea-like fire.

They both scuffle for a few moments in a heated bout. I'm helpless as the two tangle up and down the sidewalk, into the street. Passersby marvel at this incredibly bizarre fight taking place in front of them. What happens next amazes me: during a pause in the action, Screech grabs her and, quite unexpectedly, kisses her directly on the lips. My jaw hits the ground. I figured she would slap him silly out of loyalty to me.

Instead, she more than matches his enthusiasm.

Apparently, something about this disturbingly large man-bird had reignited the passion within her. Soon after, they left, arm-in-arm, to go check out the Air and Space Museum.

Many will ridicule Screech this season. Some already have. Some will find him adorable. Others will find detestable. But whenever I see him trolling the stands at Nats home games this year, all I'll think is: there stands the bastard who stole my middle-aged black girlfriend.

Well played, Anthropomorphic Bird Who Will Give Me Nightmares for Weeks. Well played.

Kickboxing or Boxkicking?

2009-03-03T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'm chilling at an open mic talking to a buddy of mine last week. I can't remember how we got to this point, but he casually mentions the fact that he kickboxes.That's the kind of revelation that alters the dynamic of a friendship.

If someone tells you they kickbox, you immediately gain respect for them that you might not have had before. I now know that any dispute I might have with this guy in the future has the potential to end with me getting kicked in the face. "Hey man, did you steal my Pop Tarts? 'Cause if you did, that's a roundhouse. Nothing personal, but that's my standard punishment for pop tart theft.

I don't really understand kickboxing. It seems like boxing on its own is a perfectly good way to beat the hell out of somebody. Who saw two boxers beating the shit out of each other and thought, "Hmm. Needs more feet."

I should have asked him what aspect of kickboxing do kickboxers focus more on: the kicking or the boxing? Are kickboxers just guys who could kick really well who wanted to take up boxing, or boxers who thought felt like they should give kicking a shot? If it's the second case, why didn't they just try out for the NFL as placekickers? The money's better, and hardly any NFL kickers have had their faces destroyed in highly illegal, underground tournaments.

The name itself makes me think of two guys crabwalking around a ring with boxing gloves on their feet, desperately trying to maintain their balance with their arms while they kick the hell out of each other.

Beyond participating in the sport of kickboxing, there is no practical use in society for kickboxing. What are the chances that you and your boys are going to end up in a barfight with Jean Claude Van Damme? Or that Chuck Norris is going to rudely bump into you in line at the bank and not apologize? I bet a lot more people could kick Chuck Norris's ass than you think. He has to be at least 65. If you put me into a kickboxing match with Chuck Norris, I guarantee I could hang. Maybe he wins in the long run, but I promise you it will be on points. I could see him getting in a few lucky kicks to my face, but I doubt he could totally withstand my foolproof fighting strategy of grabbing his arms while punching him in the back.

Despite my doubts, my buddy kept trying to convince me how hard it was. "Kickboxing is no joke, man. My last kickboxing instructor had his jaw broken three times." I got what he was trying to say: kickboxing is tough, and you have to be tough to do it. But I think the point he's missing out on here is this: are you sure that's the guy you want teaching you how to kickbox? If he's getting his jaw busted up on the regular, what is his curriculum going to consist of? "Today's kickboxing lesson: how to eat applesauce through a straw. Come back tomorrow for a lecture on filling out hospital paperwork."

All I'm saying is, you're not winning the Kumite with that guy in your corner.

The End Is Nigh

2009-03-02T06:35:00.006-05:00

Look out your window. If you're on the east coast of the United States, you'll realize that Armageddon is upon us. A snowfall that began Sunday has covered the DC Metro area, and everybody is freaking out. Schools are closing, government offices are shutting down, and nature's bedlam is collectively dick-slapping our peaceful society. That being said, if you think by some miracle we're all going to make it out of this clear cut sign of the apocalypse, here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts for dealing with a snowstorm:

* DO stock up on non-perishable canned goods before the storm. DON'T mug an old woman for the last can of Beefaroni.

* DO clear all the ice and snow off the roof of your car. DON'T throw it all into the street and then spray the pile with your hose in order to "teach your neighbors a lesson."

* DO make an adorable snowman with the neighborhood children. DON'T give him snow-genitalia.

* DO help your older neighbors shovel their snow. DON'T ridicule them for being physically unable to do what you can while flexing and winking like Patrick Bateman.

* DO While you can call your local radio stations for news on school cancellations. DON'T call the elementary school to request Foghat.

DO invite your girl over to spend your snow day sipping hot chocolate and watching movies in your pajamas. DON'T force her to watch Hellboy II, and then after she doesn't like it, berate her for not fully appreciating the dramatic quality of the Hellboy series. Also, DON'T crumble a Snickers bar into a mug of warm water and expect her to think it's Swiss Miss.

* DO feel free to spend the day in your pajamas. If they're pajamas with feet, DON'T expect to ever get laid.

* DO watch the Weather Channel for frequent updates; DON'T start dropping meteorology lingo into everyday conversations. Like: Excuse me, waiter? I understand that the chef must be feeling a lot of barometric pressure on a busy night like this, but you think I could get some salmon that isn't half-cooked? Thank you. When you come back I'll explain to you what a jet stream is.

* DO work from home if you can't make it into the office; feel free to treat your living room as if it was your work space. On the flip side of that coin, if you get snowed in at work, DON'T sit at your desk eating Honey Nut Cheerios with no pants on.

* DO dress more comfortably than you normally would when you venture out into the storm; long johns and sweatpants are appropriate. DON'T use it as an excuse to break out your flannel assless chaps.

* DO put salt on the sidewalk in front of your house. DON'T throw it into the eyes of your opponent. Note: This advice applies to Mr. Fuji only.

* DON'T take the day off of work, drink excessively, and dive naked into the snow, proclaiming yourself as "King of the Arctic."

There is no DO that goes with that one.

Man, I Totally Forgot It Was Black History Month

2009-02-28T12:08:00.011-05:00

I woke up this morning, the last day of February, to realize that I hadn't posted anything about Black History Month. After wiping the egg off my face, I decided to throw something together, even if it was at the last second, commemorating this very special event. Even though I haven't had a lot of time to do any research, here are the best fun facts about great Black Americans that I could think of off the top of my head:

Harriet Tubman - Built the Underground Railroad, but widely remembered as the television wife to Carl Winslow on the show Family Matters from 1989-1998.

George Washington Carver - Back in the olden days, this famed scientist invented the peanut.

John Stewart - Better known as the Green Lantern. Part of an intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps.

Mookie Blaylock - Former point guard for the Atlanta Hawks. If I recall correctly, he had quick hands and always stayed a step ahead of the man he was defending.

Martin Luther King, Jr. - Son to Martin Luther King, Sr.

Robert DeNiro - Star of such classics as Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Godfather Part II, and Casino, this legend is regarded as one of the greatest actors of all time. Frequently dates and marries black women.

Crispus Attucks - One of the answers to a multiple choice question on a test I had in History 3004: The American Revolution. He was the incorrect choice.

Morgan Freeman - I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.

Hootie - The man the Blowfish look to for guidance.

Frederick Douglass - Pioneered the use of two S's at the end of the name Douglas.

Tay Zonday - Proof positive that a black man can overcome years of social oppression, persevere, and become successful due to a two minute Internet video in which he displays zero real talent.

Eddie Murphy - Actor and comedian with incredible range; he can play anything from a watered down version of Axel Foley to a morbidly obese old woman.

Mike Eltringham - Has many black friends.

Redskins Sign Albert Haynesworth

2009-02-27T15:10:00.004-05:00

The Washington Redskins signed DT Albert Haynesworth early Tuesday morning. Once I found out about the news, I immediately contacted my good friend Vinny Cerrato, the Skins VP. He was nice enough to do an interview with me over the phone:

MIKE: Congratulations on signing one of the top defensive players in the league.

VINNY CERRATO: Thank you. We're all excited.

MIKE: Despite his talent, Haynesworth does have some issues, including his weight and work ethic. How do you respond to his doubters?

VC: Hey, there's no question he's not perfect. We feel he's worth the investment. Sure, he's got his flaws: he was in a contract year, he stepped on that guy one time, he's 8 months pregnant, but we feel the reward is worth the risk.

MIKE: What did you say?

VC: He was in a contract year?

MIKE: No, the other thing.

VC: He stepped on that g-

MIKE: The last thing! He's 8 months pregnant? I thought he was just fat.

VC: Oh yeah. Well, that is an issue. I know the fans are worried, but we look at it this way: he'll have the baby by the time the season starts. By the time opening day rolls around, the kid might be walking. Secondly, as his new team, we plan to take full responsibility for this child. It may not be ours, but the Washington Redskins will fully support the child that Albert is currently carrying. So the fans don't have to worry about that.

MIKE: Some critics say the Redskins spend too much. Your answer?

VC: Oh, that's fine. People can criticize us giving DeAngelo Hall $54 million. They can laugh at us giving Albert $100 million. They can scoff at us buying Albert's baby a solid gold crib and bottle, but the bottom line is that we are fiscally responsible. Just because we like to spend money on free agents doesn't mean we're economic morons.

MIKE: Final question: who are you going to sign to replace Marcus Washington at linebacker?

VC: A scarecrow made of money.

Basically, ARod is the Anti-Christ

2009-02-26T18:11:00.000-05:00

Mike Lupica, the shrimpy columnist for the New York Daily News, is very good at yelling very loudly so everyone will think he's a big boy. After Alex Rodriguez called a press conference last week to publicly address his steroid usage, Lupica proclaimed that Rodriguez needed to be injected with a "truth serum." Today, this sanctimonious little muffin, barely qualifying as a real man, weighs in with a guest blog further talking about ARod.

What makes the sad case of Alex Rodriguez even sadder is that he has shirked his responsibilities. As a star baseball player, Rodriguez has an obligation to the media to tell the truth at all times. If he doesn't, he deserves to be barbecued publicly by flawless sportswriters such as myself. Let me give you an example of the web of lies ARoid has weaved: when I was going through Alex's garbage back in early January, he came outside to assault me with a bat. Before he could raise his arms to swing, I told him I was Mike Lupica. After some light small talk, I casually inquired whether or not he liked the film Slumdog Millionaire, which I had just seen with my wife who probably cheats on me with real men. ARod said, "Yeah...it was good."

If the children's nursery rhyme were true, the man's pants would have been aflame.

I did some digging. I broke into his house and went to his bedroom. After I sniffed his boxers for thirty minutes, wishing I could be him or be with him, I found a ticket stub from the Regal Cinemas South Beach 18 in Miami, Florida. It was for a 7:45 showing of Slumdog Millionaire on January 5th, 2009. I traveled to the theater and grilled every employee there as to whether or not they knew if ARod had actually liked the movie. Finally, after waterboarding a 15 year old usher named Lewis, I found out the truth. After the film, ARod disposed of a medium Coke in a nearby trash bin, shrugged, and loudly proclaimed, "It was okay, I guess. I don't know....I'd have to see it again."

Geez, Alex. Guess you were too busy having sex with Madonna to tell me the truth.

This is just another in a long string of lies for Rodriguez. Therein lies the problem: it's not that Rodriguez is a liar. It's that he lies to the media. If you want to go cheat on your wife and lie to her about it, fine. If you want to do steroids and tell your fans you're clean, that's great. But don't you dare lie to the media. We are the only reason anyone knows your name. All you do is hit a ball. It's up to me to write 1,000 words about it and make it look pretty. If it wasn't for me, no one would know your name.

One of my all-time favorite athletes to cover? Patrick Ewing. When Ewing got caught up in the Gold Club scandal, a lot of people wondered if he cheated on his wife. He told everyone that he did not. But he pulled me aside at a press conference and said, "Lupe - between you, me, and this giant microphone used for press conferences, I cheated on my wife like 90 times." I smiled and nodded knowingly. Patrick knew what was up. I got a ladder, climbed up it, and jumped as high as I could off of it in order to high five him.

Michael Vick? Dog killer. Not that big a deal. Lying about it? Eh. Lying to the media about killing dogs? A problem. If he made a public denial, then showed up at my door step with a couple of german shepherds and a rape stand for a night of dog killing fun with the Lupmeister, I wouldn't have treated the guy like such a punk. Unfortunately for Mr. Vick, being the incredibly handsome bad boy that he is won't save him from being taken to task in my column. And let me tell you, he is handsome.

We, the writers and broadcasters, know A-Rod is a bad person. All you athletes are. As superior people, it is easy for us to spot a morally inferior being. One of my favorite hobbies is to sit with my friends Bob Costas and Joe Buck at a high school basketball game and ridicule all the idiotic, puerile athletes. We, the media, are the chosen ones who realize that those who play sports are imperfect, unlike us. We love to pass judgement on these morons, their sweaty bodies glistening in the moonlight. Wait a second...what did I just say? I meant to say A-Rod is a jerk.

The bottom line is, A-Rod deserves to be tarred and feathered in a public square on a weekly basis. When he's not at the park playing baseball, he should be kept in a cage. That lying snake in the grass should live in constant shame! He embarrassed the sport, himself, his team, and most importantly, he disrespected the media! Unforgivable! For using steroids, and then not admitting it immediately to me, he deserves a fate worse than Christ! And I would demand that he be banished from the sport forever if I didn't secretly want him inside me.

Elton John Is Stealing My Ideas

2009-02-26T08:55:00.003-05:00

Dear Sir Elton John,

What's up Reginald? You fat, piano-playing idea thief. I wonder how easy it is for you to sleep at night, knowing that as a bloated, overrated singer, you cruise around the blogosphere, looking for creative blogs to ransack your ideas from? How does that make you feel, knowing that you stand to profit off a young comic's ideas? Like you need the money. You'll probably use it to buy more hair dye.

I should probably explain what this is all about.

Elton John's production company is financing a film called Pride and Predator. Here's producer David Furnish's description of the plot:

"It felt like a fresh and funny way to blow apart the done-to-death Jane Austen genre by literally dropping this alien into the middle of a costume drama, where he stalks and slashes to horrific effect."

Basically, the movie is going to be about what would happen if you dropped a predator into the middle of a Jane Austen story. From what I could glean, it's going to be an ironic horror film with it's tongue placed firmly in cheek.

Sound far-fetched? Ridiculous? A hilariously awful idea that makes a funnier premise than it would an actual movie?

It is all those things. Especially when I came up with it.

In a post dated January 10, 2008, I wrote a recap of movies that I dreamt I saw. The premise was that I didn't see any of these movies, but I wrote a description of them based on dreams I had about them. Read it here. I'd like to bring to the court's attention my final entry for the Alien vs. Predator sequel that came out last December:

I came into this thinking it was going to be an action horror piece of garbage with no plot, character development, or sense of danger that the original versions inspired. And while it was nothing like the movies it was based on, what I got was an intelligent period drama set in Victorian England. The Predators and Aliens are at war in merry old London, but that doesn't stop the gentlemanly but poor William Billingsley Predator from trying to woo his lady love, the kind-hearted and pure Ms. Emily Alien. They are two different worlds – one from a family of lower class cobblers, the other from a line of well-to-do nobility, but their passion for each other cannot be denied. It's a love story told over fifty years, and the aging effects they used to make the Alien look like a little old lady alien were incredible. Also, big ups to Anthony Hopkins, who shines here as the Predator's butler. He was especially good in that scene where he bangs a pie, which was obviously a metaphor for the Predator's lost innocence. What an enchanting film; four star-thumbs way up. It's nice to know that in this age of remakes and sequels, the studios can still churn out something as charming and gripping as a Jane Austen knockoff starring Aliens and Predators.

Sound familiar?

I can't wait for Elton's next big production in 2015, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? The Movie. The thing that gets me about this is that not only did they steal my idea, but they watered it down so it wasn't as funny. Think about it: their movie is going to be predators killing English people from a long time ago. How much funnier would it be to see a Romeo and Juliet type love story between a predator and an alien? You wouldn't shell out $10 for that? Take what I give you, Hollywood. It's better than anything you could come up with.

Looking at this logically, and drawing the conclusion that my idea was definitely stolen, I think one of two things happened:

1) Some intern in LA happened across my blog and plucked my idea right from the Internet, or

2) Elton John happened across my blog and plucked my idea right from the Internet

I'm going with Option 2. Based on that, I think there's only one clear way to settle this. I'm using this forum to publicly challenge Elton John to a boxing match. 12 rounds, no rules. Accept my challenge and I am going to pound you so completely that your face will resemble what your career became in the '80's, pre-Lion King.

I'll be damned if I'm going to let some portly entertainer steal my thunder. Predator meets Jane Austen is my idea, and I'm willing to bob, weave, and jab to defend its honor. Oh, and by the way, I'm coming out with my own album this year, featuring songs like There's Something About the Way My Fist Hits Your Jaw Tonight, Rocket Bitch, A Candle In Your Eyesocket, Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting (that one was fine on its own), Bennie and the Forearm Smashes To Your Temple, and finally, The Bitch Is Back (If By Bitch You Mean My Foot, and When You Say Back the Location You Are Referring to Is Your Ass).

Here are the stakes, Elton: I win, I get 100% of the gross profits from the film. You win, and I'll donate some money to one of your charities you probably know nothing about. If you back down, I'll continually find ways to challenge you in public forums ala Mr. T in Rocky III. Don't worry; you can wear a t-shirt during the fight so no one can see your pudgy mid-section, you tub of goo.

Step up to the plate, EJ. The challenge is out there. There's no way we can't settle this like reasonable men by fighting each other in a boxing ring even though neither of us have ever boxed and you're a fat old man.

Unfortunately, Money Is Now a Thang

2009-02-23T22:22:00.000-05:00

Jay Z here. You know, I may be one of the richest entertainers in the world, but it doesn't mean I'm not fiscally responsible. As a public figure, and as a role model, I feel it's my duty to bring this message to all my adoring fans: given the current economic situation in this country, I'm sad to say that unfortunately, money is now a thang.

There was a time when it was fashionable to drive my Ferrarri or Jaguar across every available lane on the highway, bellowing out the proclamation that money was not a thang. That was until I attempted to plan a vacation to Disney World. I wanted to take my wife for five days and four nights. When I entered the whole thing into Orbitz, the price that came back was exorbitant. Absolutely ridiculous.

This recession has been difficult on everyone, but I feel that I can apply my abilities as a G to saving cash. For instance, just the other day, while I was flexing the Rol and signing a check for your ho, I also took a minute to clip a coupon for fabric softener. If you buy in bulk, you'd be shocked at how much you can save. It's nice to buy expensive drinks for the world's most exotic and beautiful women, but it's just as gangster to save $3 on some Tide.

My good friend Jermaine Dupri summed up our life best when he said that, My cake thick, I live the life/Eatin' crab, watching bitches shake shit all night. Those were the days, but you have to adapt. Like now, maybe my cake isn't as thick, and we aren't living the life, but we make due. Maybe now I cut corners by eating imitation crab meat. Also, I can watch bitches shake shit until around 11:15. After all, I need to get to bed early so I'm fresh when I wake up for my 9-5 temp job I had to take on to pay my car insurance.

There was a time when I didn't like anything that didn't gleam clean. I'd go into a restaurant like Morton's, look at the lobster or steak and shout out, "To hell with the price!" Now? When I go to Cheesecake Factory, I usually just get the nachos. And I make sure to ask them not to include chicken, because chicken is like, 3 dollars extra.

Now I know what it must have been like to be a rapper during the Great Depression.

The way I look at it, for the common man, money has been a thang for years now. Not everyone drinks Cristal, drives hummers, and spends their days lounging by the pool. For a father of four working in an office somewhere, money has definitely always been a thang. The only difference now is that for multimillionaire rappers, money is also a thang for us too. Just the other day I saw Snoop Dogg putting a gigantic gold chain on layaway. That's what I call a chain reaction.

Everyone needs to buckle down and work a little harder to get this country back on top. Am I telling you to sell drugs? No. You see, Hov did that, so hopefully you wouldn't have to go through that. Alsol, the drug game is not that stable. Right about now, getting a cushy government job makes a lot more sense than selling crack out of your basement. Selling rock is flat-out impractical.

In the long run, I think this recession will be a good thing. Us rappers needed to scale it back a little bit. For example, my typical night of entertainment includes courtside seats at a Nets game, bottle service at New York's finest night clubs, and a harem of strippers and exotic dancers having a late night orgy in a hot tub at the Plaza Hotel. Now it's just me and Beyonce catching a movie. Usually the matinee.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy some guns in bulk.

Isolated Wikipedia Passages, Vol. 1

2009-02-20T11:11:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite things to do is to start on a random Wikipedia article and click links on each subsequent one to see where I end up. Reading through specific passages, especially out of context, is fun. Here are some of my favorite (unedited) isolated passages from Wikipedia articles:

"Suck it!" is DX's signature slogan. This is also used in their popular "Let's get ready to suck it!" routine, originally a parody of Michael Buffer's "Let's get ready to rumble!". The routine starts when Triple H asks the audience "Are you ready?" He then shouts "No, (city name), I said ARE YOU READY?" to elicit a louder reaction from the crowd. He continues and says "Then, for the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home. Let's get ready to suck it!" Then when Triple H gives Michaels the microphone, Michaels continues with: "If you're not down with that, we got two words for yah!" To which the crowd usually shouts "SUCK IT!" back at them
-- Pro-wrestling faction Degeneration X

In the comic strips, spinach is presented as a panacea, infusing Popeye not only with his extraordinary strength, but also making him invulnerable to all sorts of threats (including bullets, a basilisk's petrifying gaze, or aliens' weapons) and even capable of feats like flight or extraordinarily fast swimming (usually with the aid of his pipe as a propeller).
-- Cartoon character Popeye

The Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox shows in any case that there exist experiments by which one can measure the state of one particle and instantaneously change the state of its entangled partner, although the two particles can be an arbitrary distance apart; however, this effect does not violate causality, since no transfer of information happens.
-- Quantum physics

After her elimination, an outraged Brooke Thompson spat on Pollard after the two had exchanged words. Pollard vowed to "whoop Pumkin's ass", and attempted to do so at the season one reunion.
-- Reality TV star Tiffany "New York" Pollard

Charles first worked for the Pembroke family: wife Jill, husband Stan, and their three children Lila; Douglas; and Jason. It was a show with a strong cast and good storylines but was hampered by having unnecessary "canned laughter" added to it.
-- Charles in Charge, apparently written by a Charles in Charge apologist

However, he was suspended for the entire 2004 season due to two criminal convictions. [1][2] After a conditional reinstatement, he started every game in the 2005 season, but was involved in several highly-publicized incidents during the season, including the display of his middle finger to the crowd and violently stomping the leg of an opponent, as well as various crimes around Gotham City and trying to kill Batman.*
-- Former Virginia Tech quarterback Marcus Vick

* Okay, I made that last part up.

What If They LIKE Jelly?

2009-02-19T08:45:00.007-05:00

Everyone (including people who fill them out) can agree that MySpace surveys suck. My sister Amy occasionally does them. She is funny. Here is one she filled out yesterday:

What would you do with a 3rd hand?
what a pain that would be. anytime i'd have to wear gloves i'd have one that wouldn't match. and i bet everyone would point it out too. it's not bad enough that i have an unmatching glove, but than some dick cheeseburger has to come along and remind me about it.

If you had a monkey’s tail, would you be more likely to hang from trees with it or use it to reach the remote control?
i think that if you had a monkey's tail you'd have more options to choose from than just those two. just saying. you can do a lot more with a monkey's tail.

If you could speak to animals, which animal would you speak to first?
the really angry ones like lions or bears. hey, can't we talk this over or something? put those teeth away.

Would you love having the ability to read minds or would you curse having the ability?
i used to think i was psychic. and then whenever i was with certain people i'd play that game where you count to three and then you both say what you're thinking and see if you're thinking the same thing. except when i played that game with my shrink he just told me i had schizophrenia. i think that's just the medical term for being psychic.

If you had the ability to magically poof into any room, would you bother walking through doors anymore?
i'd only use it if it was totally necessary. like if i was robbing a bank or something.

If you could create a delicious feast by clapping your hands, would you solve world hunger, or would you just keep the ability secret and make food only for your family?
if you could solve world hunger, that means that your family would never go hungry. so unless you want to go out of your way to be a jerk, than why would you pick the second one? someone's selfish.

Would you rather have rockets for legs, or wish-granting toilet plungers for arms?
i lost interest at the word rockets BORING

If a wizard offered you the ability to make anyone attracted to you by winking at them, would you keep the ability if you developed a nervous twitch that made you wink randomly?
actually, i would probably go public and tell the whole world that wizards really do exist.
that will teach him

If you had the ability to fill the mouths of all annoying people with jelly, would you use it once or every time they spoke?
what if they LIKE jelly?

If every time you sang, everyone around you broke into song and dance, would you sing anymore?
no, i don't want anyone stealing my thunder.

Would you want amazing speed, if it meant your feet had to be constantly engulfed in painless fire?
anytime i hear the words engulfed, fire, and feet, i automatically assume it's something bad. and i'm usually right.

If every time you yawned, flip flops rained from the sky, would you try to yawn as much as possible?
anyone who knows me knows that i love flip flops. but i don't want them raining on me. what if i could make a deal where i could just get all flips flops for half price? now that's something that benefits a lot of people. you think about it, get back to me.

If you could make someone fall in love with you just by telling them, “Before I go anywhere I fill my shoes with Jello”...would you say it?
so our relationship would be based on a lie, great idea.

If you woke up to realize that all of the dreams/nightmares you had while sleeping, had come true…would you be afraid to go to sleep after that?
as long as i don't dream about spiders, death, or dawson's creek (specifically dawson's hair in season 4-get a haircut you hippie) i'd be okay.

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
a puppy, another puppy, and okay, a way to solve world hunger

Would you rather look like you were 19 until you were 45, then suddenly look 60...or look as old as you are throughout your life?
what if i looked like i was 45 until i was 60 and then i suddenly looked 19. i am so much better at thinking up scenarios than whoever wrote this survey.

Would you rather have a car that could speak to you, or a car that could drive 150 mph and only use a drop of gas?
i think the second option would be so much better for the environment but how cool would it be to have a car who sings uptown girl with you while you're driving?!

Would you rather be able to never forget, or only remember a little bit of everything and always find 50 dollars when you do?
never forget a little bit of everything and get 50 dollars for never forgetting anything ever.

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

2009-02-18T07:57:00.011-05:00

It's now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series "But Could He Beat Chewbacca?" in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.

THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER
STRENGTHS: As the tournament's exposure has grown, it's become increasingly difficult for even the world's best players to win due to an oversaturated field.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca gambles and bluffs his way to the final table, but his ousted on the final hand when a 19 year old online player goes all-in on a pair of deuces and lucks out with three of a kind on the river. The crowd erupts as this unproven young talent has beaten a seasoned veteran. Chewie, outraged at being bested by a hackish and amateur move, lectures the kid and the assembled crowd on the evils of gambling and avarice. When everyone bows their heads in shame, Chewie and Han grab the prize money, hastily shove it in their pants, and make a break for the door.

SETTLING DOWN WITH A 9-5 GIG
STRENGTHS: While an everyday job often provides stability, good pay, and health benefits, it can wear on your soul.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie happily sells insurance for two weeks, but he's tempted back into his old life as a smuggler when new hire and mortal enemy Boba Fett moves into the cubicle next to him.

COACH MIKE KRYZEWSKI
STRENGTHS: One of the best college basketball coaches of all time.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Coach K's Duke Blue Devils take on Chewie's rag-tag group of misfits: Luke, Lando, Han, Wedge, and Greedo. Right away, you can tell Chewie's squad is overmatched. Han can't shoot. Lando's a ball hog and keeps trying to pull off moves like he's on the And 1 tour. Luke, who's never played before, shows up wearing jeans. It's a mess. Fortunately, Chewie has a package of individually wrapped slices of American Cheese in his bag. He dangles this in front of the Duke bench, and the rat-like Coach K cannot resist. Distracted, Duke loses to Chewie's All Stars 104-78.

A-ROD
STRENGTHS: One of the best baseball players on Earth. Also a former steroid user.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After hearing that A-Rod took steroids from 2001-2003, Chewbacca envisions him as a roided-up freak of nature. He shows up for their fight at Yankees Spring Training camp hulked up on gamma rays. The Incredible Chewbacca grows to four times the size of normal Chewbacca, and easily whips A-Rod into submission. After the brawl he returns to his normal size and walks down a highway by himself while sad music plays.

GETTING A HOLE IN ONE
STRENGTHS: A feat that takes a combination of equal parts luck and skill, many amazingly talented golfers go their whole lives without accomplishing this elusive feat.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: On the first hole of 18, Chewie crushes a fattie off the tee for a hole in one on a par 4. Once he's gotten that out of the way, he uses the rest of the round to casually joke with Luke and Lando, and also to get advice from Admiral Ackbar on how to invest his 401k.

YOGA
STRENGTHS: Takes patience and meditation to master.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie lazily wipes the sleep from his eyes as he shows up at the YMCA at 4:00 AM for class. As he waits outside Greedo, the yoga instructor, pulls up in his VW Bug.

"Chewie!" yells Greedo, wearing a headband, leg-warmers, and a spandex body-suit. "I'm super-excited you came out today. I really think you're going to love all the flexibility and peace of mind that yoga provides you with."

"Yeah well," says Chewie, "My wife said she wouldn't sleep me with until I did it, so let's just get this over with. Where's the rest of the class?"

"Oh, they're not here yet," says Greedo, beginning to stretch. "I wanted you to come early to stretch because you're so far behind everyone else. Class doesn't begin until 6AM."

Chewie looks at Greedo for a second, then at the YMCA doors, then back at Greedo. Finally, he says, "So do you want me to shove you in that trash can over there, or do you want to make this easy on us both and just get in yourself?"

Greedo gulps. "You know what, let me go ahead and climb in there. Thank you for giving me the option this time," he says as he lifts the lid off of the rancid garbage container.

"Not a problem. Hey, you want something from Starbucks? I need to grab some coffee to pour on your head."

Michael Bay Presents Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T08:24:00.008-05:00

Jason Voorhees is getting a makeover this Valentine's Day, as the Friday the 13th remake hit theaters today. The biggest difference in this reimagining of the horror classic is that Michael Bay produced the film. I was invited to a screening last night, and I was curious to see how much of Bay's influence could be seen in the final product.

The film starts out like any other Jason movie: a bunch of teens frolic at a summer camp. There's the requisite sex, drugs, and nudity that you come to expect from this series.

Once Jason shows up things start to get weird. Two of the teens sneak off to the woods. As they're taking off their clothes next to a tree, they see the iconic killer standing there. Except this time, he's holding a remote control. He pushes a big red button, and a bomb inside the tree detonates, igniting a massive explosion that sends the coeds and all their body parts flying into Crystal Lake.

As the death toll climbs, we also find out that Jason has abandoned his traditional machete in favor of an Uzi.

The deaths lack the subtle tension of the kills in the original. For instance, in the second act Jason encounters two camp counselors doing it in a cabin. Normally, you'd expect that Jason would hunt them down and decapitate them, or maybe impale them on a spike after a lengthy and exciting chase scene. Not so. This time, he kills them by ordering in an airstrike of F-16's who use their massive firepower to easily gun down the teens. After the teens have been riddled with bullets, for seemingly no reason, the planes circle the camp for another twenty minutes, launching missiles and blowing up other cabins in the area. This causes a massive forest fire, which is exacerbated when Jason launches a gasoline-soaked missile right into the proceedings. They never even explain where Jason got a missile launcher, and it never appears again.

About halfway into the movie, I conceded that it wouldn't be your typical slasher flick: apparently, Jason had adopted some new, more explosive ways to kill horny teenagers. Okay. At the very least, I was going to see Jason use some innovative new methods.

How wrong I was.

As Jason is about to dump 20 pounds of dynamite into a frat party, a helicopter arrives carrying the President and the Secretary of Defense. They inform Jason that terrorists have kidnapped the President's daughter, and they'd need his help to get her back. When Jason bristles at the idea of helping the U.S. government, they tell him that unfortunately, the terrorists have Jason's daughter too. They even show him a video of his daughter bound and gagged. I thought it was a little much that Jason's daughter was just a thirteen year old with pigtails wearing a hockey mask.

Jason joins the cause, but the President orders him to work with their top weapons expert, played by Martin Lawrence. After an hour and a half of pointless chase scenes, explosions, and grisly deaths, Jason and Martin track the terrorists down to their homebase in an Afghanistan, which for some reason also looks just like a summer camp. Also, it's not explained why all the terrorists are American teenagers having sex with each other.

Once they get there, they discover the terrorist's secret plot: fill a space shuttle with explosives, copulating teens, and actor Jon Voight, and launch it directly into New York City. Jason heroically climbs aboard the shuttle, and after sharing a tearful goodbye with his daughter, drives it into Crystal Lake, sacrificing himself for the good of mankind. Martin Lawrence marries the girl, and he's introduced to his new partner, Will Smith. The credits roll as Nelly, P. Diddy, and Murphy Lee belt out the chorus of "Shake Ya Tailfeather."

Stick around after the credits and you'll see producer Michael Bay break the fourth wall by walking on screen, looking into the camera, and saying, "You've just witnessed the prequel to Bad Boys. All ticket sales are final, and we will award no refunds."

So, in other words, not Michael Bay's worst effort.

That Duet With Destiny's Child Went Really Well

2009-02-11T08:13:00.015-05:00

Sunday's Grammy Awards featured some very interesting collaborations between the stars of today and yesterday. Here to tell us about his experience of performing at the recording industry's biggest event is the man himself, Stevie Wonder:

As an artist who's beloved worldwide, it makes perfect sense for me to appear on the Grammy's. So when my agent came to me and said, "We have an offer on the table to perform Superstition at the Grammy's with Destiny's Child as your back up singers," I jumped at the opportunity. Kelly, Michelle, and Beyonce are world-class talents, and I was excited for them to reunite.

At rehearsal earlier in the day, the producers warned me that due to laryngitis, the girls wouldn't sound like their normal selves, but more like "a trio of gangly middle schoolers." Right before we started rehearsing, what sounded like three 13 year old dorks apparently rushed the stage. All they could do was squeal about how awesome I was, and how much of an honor this was, and how excited they were to perform with me on the Grammy's that night. I didn't have the heart to tell them that for the big show, I'd be performing with some real artists.

I could hardly contain my excitement as the stagehand walked me onstage. He kept whispering in my ear about how, "The girls are excited to perform with you," and "This is such a big moment for these three well-respected singers," and also, "You are definitely about to perform with three women and not a trio of teen heartthrobs." As soon as he sat me down, I could hear the rapid pitter-patter of his footsteps as he sprinted away for some reason.

The performance itself wasn't that great. What followed sounded like three 12 year old boys doing their best to ruin my legacy while pretending to play guitar. It was pretty horrible, to tell you the truth. But it doesn't matter. It was still an honor for me to be on stage with such a talented group of ladies, even if they did sound like eighth graders waiting on their testicles to drop.

Wait, what? Who? The What Brothers?!?!

What's the Deal with Octuplets?

2009-02-09T06:24:00.000-05:00

Controversy surrounds the fertility clinic that allowed a mother to give birth to octuplets. Questions are being raised as to whether it was ethically responsible to facilitate such a dangerous birth for a mother already struggling to support six children. Here to comment on the investigation is an octopus who would really like to adopt, but is not allowed to because he's an octopus:

When I read about this lady having eight kids when she already had six of her own, I just about ejected ink everywhere. I could not believe it. Giving birth to octuplets when you're unemployed is the very definition of irresponsibility. Bringing children into this world when you're unprepared is a very risky proposition. Especially when they're are so many loving, caring individuals out there who want to adopt. Individuals who can't have children because of infertility, bad luck, or the fact that they're an ocean-dwelling animal that looks like an evil space monster.

Having kids is not easy. This lady should know because she already deals with six of them. That would be enough to drive anybody insane. She has 14 kids and only two arms. Ideally, she could find somebody who could hold every single one of her octuplets at once, to show each one an equal amount of attention.

I understand that placing your children in foster care can be scary. Foster homes and orphanages are intimidating places. You show up and everyone looks at you funny. They say things like, "We don't feel you're fit to be a parent at this time," or, "You can't have any of these children; you're an octopus," or my favorite, "For the love of God, somebody kill this thing! How did it get onto dry land? Call for help." Stuff like that.

The most unbelievable part about this is that this lady is unemployed. She popped out all these little ones without finding a job. Normally, I would blast her for this with a metaphorical ink jet of reprimands, but I have to hold my tongue on this one. I have firsthand knowledge of how tough the job market is right now, especially with the economy. Nobody is hiring. Of course, I cannot get a job because everytime I try to type at a computer, I end up bashing the keyboard into pieces with my gigantic tentacles. Also, I cannot survive outside my natural habitat for more than a few minutes at a time, so I must complete all my assigned duties submerged in a tank of ocean water.

Recently, I've heard that scientists are saying infant mortality rates are on the rise, because people are putting their children in danger when they sleep in the same bed as them. I'm torn on the subject. On one hand, I believe parents should be able to rest next to their children. On the other hand.....again, eight giant tentacles. I haven't taken a look at the figures on octopus infant mortality rates, but I'd imagine it would be pretty high. You know, what with the tentacles and all. But again, I'd have to look at the figures.

The bottom line is, all of us want different things. Some want to have 14 kids. Others want to push eight strollers down the aisle at the market. It all depends on your perspective. In my opinion, this lady is a nutjob. And also in my opinion, I think the government should get more lax when it comes to cephalopod adoption. Otherwise they better give me my money back for all these cribs and bonnets that I bought last week.

I Have a Particular Set of Skills

2009-02-06T00:00:00.001-05:00

Hello. I am Liam Neeson's character from the movie Taken. In the film, kidnappers take my daughter. This is an open letter to these kidnappers. You must understand this: I have a particular set of skills, and I will use them on you if you do not give me my daughter back.

Seriously, I'm not sure you get what I'm saying to you: luckily, this particular set of skills I have acquired over the years is tailor made to remedy this situation I'm in. I had a particular set of mentors who gave me a particular set of training exercises teaching me how to fight guys like you.

Let me tell you a little bit about what my day entails. I wake up, brush my teeth, and fill a particular set of bowls with Honey Nut Cheerios. Then I get a particular set of 2% milk and pour it into a particular set of bowls I have set aside to fill with cereal. I then chow down. After that, I watch a particular set of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 for twenty or so minutes before it's off to work.

When I get to work, I stand by a particular set of coffee machines while I talk to a particular set of coworkers about what happened the night before on Lost. Then, my secretary Tischa walks by, and we all remark how we'd like to get to know her particular set of you-know-whats a little better. Then, after a particular set of Danishes are doled out amongst me and the rest of my section, it's off to my desk for a particular set of work for the day.

Once I sit down at my desk, I go over a particular set of routines to deal with kidnappings. A particular set of procedures, a particular set of guidelines, and a particular set of by-laws. It's a lot of beaureaucratic mumbo-jumbo, but it's a particular set of the job. I then take a particular set of naps, but I prop my head up on a particular set of binders so my boss will think I am busy. It is a particular set of genius, I tell you. By 12:30, my boss thinks I've gotten a lot of work done, and I'm off to grub on a particular set of Big Macs at the Mickey D's down the street, for real.

My point is, my whole day is dedicated to bringing down a particular set of scumbags like you. It would be one thing if I had a particular set of half-ass experiences on the job, but I am 100% dedicated. In fact, several years ago a particular set of my friends offered me a gig selling car insurance at a great company with a particular set of amazing benefits including health, dental, and a particular set of two weeks vacation. But I told him no, because this job is the particular set of perfect duties for me. I couldn't imagine myself doing a particular set of any other jobs.

You may wonder if someone like me, so committed to his work, may be too tightly wound to find kidnappers. Perhaps you think I'm in too deep, and I won't be able to see the situation clearly. You are wrong. Although I spend a particular set of time stopping kidnappings, I find time to relax on the weekends by playing with my band, A Particular Set of Instruments. We are mostly a Van Halen cover band, playing a particular set of their songs from the Lee Roth era. When I am on stage, I feel a particular set of positive emotions flowing through me as I play a particular set of "Why Can't This Be Love."

All this resolving of hostage situations can wear on you at times. Sometimes, I sit in a particular set of coffee shops and daydream about heading for a particular set of the hills and just retiring up there with my wife, or whomever. I don't know my romantic situation as I haven't seen the movie. Maybe have a particular set of kids, a particular set of dogs, and maybe a particular set of white picket fences. But then I snap out of the particular set of daytime reveries I'm having when I see a particular set of thugs kidnapping a particular set of damsels in distress, right there in broad daylight. I mean, I can't just sit there and do nothing. I am Liam Neeson.

In short, I urge you to come to a particular set of your senses and give me my daughter back. I hate seeing people separated from a particular set of people they love. For instance, the other day my friend Manny and I were having a particular set of discussions in the park about football. A group of 20 or so couples walked by us, gossiping about all the other people in the park. They sounded like they thought everyone they met was beneath them. Manny turned to me and said, "Man, never have I seen such a particular set of particular sets."

You think about that, hostage takers, next time you steal someone's loved one. And if you don't think about it, you're going to have a particular set of Liam Neeson's boots up your ass.

The Real Impact of a Bad Economy: Weird Hypotheticals

2009-02-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

The economy is fading fast. This recession has permeated through to every facet of society. Companies are laying off employees by the thousands. Families are struggling just to get by. But most of all, the rate at which people are agreeing to weird hypothetical situations their friends pose to them in which they're offered money to perform a bizarre or disturbing act are rising at an alarming rate.

The power of the weird hypothetical is that it makes you question your own moral and ethical values. Basically, it asks you how much money it would take for you to put yourself in an undesirable or uncomfortable state. Would you do this for a million? 10 million? It's a powerful conversational tool that has been corrupted by our economic crisis.

I'll give you an example: a couple years ago, one of my buddies asks me if I would accept ten grand to spend a night at the Neverland Ranch. You have to think about that one pretty hard. Michael Jackson is one of the inaugural inductees to the Freak Hall of Fame. So you debate it internally, and maybe you even say no. Now? Not only am I going, but I'm showing up with pajamas and one of those nightcaps on. I am ready for a fun-filled night of slumber partying it up with one of the world's biggest nutbars, and hopefully not getting drugged. People need the money, so if some bizarre situation presented itself that would give them a hefty pay out for doing something nasty, they will jump at the chance. Sticking your hand in the toaster while jumping off the roof for $500 doesn't sound so bad when you've got a car payments to make.

Of course, you probably can't afford health insurance to cover you after the fall, but we're splitting hairs here.

You may think you're immune; your principles are your principles, and no recession is going to affect how you look at these impossible situations invented by your idiot friends. Okay then, let me ask you this: how much money would it take for you to walk through Harlem with Michael Richards? What is your answer a year ago? $10,000 A million? Maybe no amount could make you do it on moral grounds. That's all well and good, but if you got that offer right now, you'd ask for $100, some riot gear, and a t-shirt that says, "This Is Just For Money, Really, A Lot Of My Friends Are Black."

It's going to make it a lot harder to get into interesting discussions about what you would or wouldn't eat for a certain sum of money. Ten years ago, there is no chance I'd eat garbage for anything less than a grand. In 2009, I am not proud to tell you guys that I'd probably eat some garbage for a hundred bucks. Maybe less. I would put on a bib and clank my knife and fork together in the anticipation of eating a pizza box and some coffee grinds, all for less than probably $75.

The question of whether or not you'd date an ugly celebrity is out the door, also. I can't think of many women I know right now - many of whom are decently attractive, independent girls - who wouldn't date Danny DeVito right now for a thousand dollars. Especially if it's only one date. I can think of worse ways to spend your Sunday afternoon. I'd go on a date with Danny DeVito for a cool G. It might be fun. I'm sure it would be an interesting conversation. "Jack Nicholson, now that guy seems like a fun time. How is the spaghetti? You're not expecting to kiss me at some point, are you?"

See? I just rationalized a date with Danny DeVito for cash. The prostitution of my time knows no bounds, and neither would yours given our nation's financial status.

It's getting so desperate that pretty soon, money won't even be part of our weird hypotheticals anymore. Now it will be - "Would you dive into this pool of hermit crabs for increased job security?" Or, "Hey - let's say you can get full dental coverage, but...first you've got to get kicked in the teeth by Bruce Lee in his prime. What do you do?" The problem is that the bizarre situations we agree to put ourselves will get weirder and weirder, and the amount of money will be lesser and lesser. I hope President Obama can do something about this before we're all driving in reverse through rush hour traffic for two dollars in Canadian quarters.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bungee jump naked for $20 and a taquito.

Let's Take Malaria To the Woodshed!

2009-02-04T15:58:00.001-05:00

I saw a sign today that said Help Whip Breast Cancer. While I am all for the sentiment, I think that perhaps we should focus first on beating breast cancer.

I understand that the sports/illness metaphor has been prevalent for years now, but in this instance I think a different terminology might be needed. Let's not worry about a blowout just yet. Win first. If we can nip breast cancer by a field goal, I'd be just fine with that. We're trying to cure a horrible disease, not get to #1 in the BCS.

The comparison to sports can be somewhat dangerous. What if some scientist has a breakthrough, and in his excitement over his discovery, winds up and spikes the beaker containing the cure for cancer on the floor? Or what if somebody haphazardly leaves the cure for cancer next to a Gatorade, and Dr. Van Nostrum isn't paying close attention when he takes a swig?

Saying you want to whip cancer is stating more than just a desire to overcome a horrible disease. It's saying that you want to embarrass breast cancer. Winning is not enough. It sounds like some of the boys down at the lab working on this baby are getting vindictive about finding a cure: Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to announce to the world today that not only will we find a cure for breast cancer, but we will tar and feather every individual breast cancer cell we find. We realize that this may be damaging to the patient, but we must teach all the other breast cancer cells a lesson.

The main reason you shouldn't whip breast cancer is that the last thing you want to do is piss off breast cancer. Let's just squeak by breast cancer by a few points. Then metaphorically shake its hand. Nothing more. My advice to all you doctors out there: if you're battling cancer, and you're winning by two touchdowns in the fourth.....don't go deep. Just run the ball, take your win and go home. No need to have your whole offensive line coming down with melanoma.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-03T10:25:00.003-05:00

If you're a Facebook user, at this point you've been tagged in a chain note going around entitled 25 Random Things About Me. You're prompted to fill out 25 random facts about yourself and send them to 25 more people. At first I ignored it, but now that I've been inundated with requests for more info on the minutiae that makes up my life, I've decided to fill it out and send it along to you. Enjoy:

25. I was born in Brooklyn, New York.

24. Parents are named Rose and Mario.

23. I attended Xavierian High School.

22. Sat next to Margaret Thatcher at Ronald Reagan's funeral. Whispered to her that "President Reagan made me proud to be an American. Today, I feel sadness."

21. I've acted since I was child, along with my other siblings and my cousin, Jimmy.

20. Dated so many Playmates that a spokesman for Playboy had to call and tell me to "slow down."

19. Married my longtime girlfriend Renee in December of 2007.

18. I co-wrote the screenplay for a 2001 indie film entitled Italian Ties, about friends who kidnap their emotionally distant fathers for a weekend of male bonding. It won several awards.

17. When I was very young, starred in the made-for-TV drama The Boy Who Drank Too Much with Lance Kerwin.

16. About three years ago, I hired a life coach to help me better manage my personal and professional life.

15. Born on the same day as actresses Bonnie Hunt and Catherine Oxenberg.

14. My daughter Bailey was born on November 2, 2007, and she is the apple of my eye.

13. Ranked #16 in TV Guide's List of Top 25 Teen Idols.

12. Both of my parents emigrated to America from Italy. I am a first generation American.

11. My favorite show of all time is Charles in Charge.

10. In 1997, a rumor went around that I was killed in a car crash (!) Luckily, it wasn't true.

9. Every night I thank God that Henry Winkler has a sofa bed.

8. Willie Aames is number 4 on my speed dial.

7. Coined the phrase Baio-rific.

6. I've dated Pamela Anderson, Brooke Shields, Nicole Eggert, and Erin Moran, the lady who played Joanie on Happy Days.

5. Played a college student hired as a nanny for a rich family on the hit 80's sitcom Charles in Charge.

4. Brother of actor Steven Baio.

3. Frequently cast alongside Willie Aames.

2. My breakout role was as Arthur Fonzarelli's cousin Chachi on the hit show Happy Days.

1. In 2007, I starred in the reality TV series Scott Baio is 45....and Single.

Wait a second....I messed up. Turns out those aren't 25 Random Things About Me. That's actually 25 Random Things About Scott Baio.

Tomlin Becomes First Suave Coach To Win a Super Bowl

2009-02-02T08:56:00.010-05:00

After 42 years of Super Bowls featuring coaches who all fit the same mold, consider another barrier broken down by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Last night he became the first ever suave coach to win a Super Bowl.

Prior to this, no Super Bowl winning coach had any modicum of coolness. Even Tony Dungy, the first black coach to win a Super Bowl two seasons ago, could not technically be considered cool what with his advanced age, constant charity work, and dedication to Christian principles. Past winners like Parcells, Gibbs, and Coughlin were exemplary coaches, but resembled most of America's grandfathers and probably smelled like a library full of eggs. Now for the first time, America has an incredibly charming and engaging dude in his mid 30's as the coach of their Super Bowl winner.

Tomlin, one cool cat, has been praised in the media and among players for his confident demeanor. "He just looks cool," is how Steelers WR Hines Ward put it after the team's Super Bowl victory. "After years of uptight squares leading their team to victory, it's nice to see someone coaching out there who represents the "hip and with it" demographic of our population. That's a guy I'd play football for, let my daughter date, or outright date myself any day of the week."

Steelers RB Willie Parker added: "I doubt they'll ever let a black dude play James Bond, but if they did, I would pick Coach Tomlin."

Tomlin, or Black Fonzi as he's been called, has not earned the distinction without controversy; many argued that former Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden could be considered suave. Before a ruling could be made, Gruden was witnessed purchasing a John Tesh CD, thus disqualifying him from the discussion.

According to SI's Peter King, the historical impact of this ice-cold customer winning the big one is large. "Mike Tomlin is a trailblazer. Before this, the fraternity of Super Bowl winning coaches included 42 jive turkeys. If you put those guys together, it would be a real dork convention. Look at Tomlin compared to Bill Belicheck. Belicheck wears pajamas to games. Tomlin looks like he probably gets a lot of women and listens to Miles Davis."

When asked what he thought of his accomplishment, Tomlin cracked a sly smirk, nodded very coolly, and said, "That's what's up." He then lowered his sunglasses for the assembled crowd and flashed them a wink.

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

2009-01-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

It's now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series "But Could He Beat Chewbacca?", in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.

KING KONG BUNDY
STRENGTHS: Bundy, who feuded with Hulk Hogan in the 1980's, was one of the largest and most feared pro wrestlers of all time.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Han stand in a boxing ring, waiting for Bundy to show up for their scheduled fight. "This piece of trash is yours!" says Han as he slaps Chewie in the face to get him psyched. The gym door opens, and in walks Bundy with his son. He's now in his mid 50's, wears a tattered gray sweatsuit, and is well over 500 pounds of pure fat.

"Hey guys," says Bundy, breathing loudly. "Sorry, I'm late. Hit some traffic."

Chewie and Han see this pathetic, washed-up soul and start to tear up. Embarrassing an over-the-hill wrestler in front of his son is too much. There is no way they can unleash a Wookie beating on this sad sack in good conscience.

"Hey," says Chewie, "My uh...my leg hurts, so the fight is cancelled. We'll still pay you. In fact, just for coming out, we'll increase your payout by 20%."

King Kong's face lights up. "Wow! Thanks! You know, with today's economy, I could really use the help."

"No problem, buddy," says Han. "Tell you what: why don't you let me and Chewie take you out to dinner...you know, you and your son."

Suddenly, a confused look crosses Bundy's face. "What? That's not my son. It's a midget I bought on the Internet."

STAND-UP COMEDY
STRENGTHS: The hardest form of entertainment to master.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After years of middling success using material culled from the everday life of an average Wookie male, he finally gains mainstream success across the galaxy when he adopts a Southern drawl while he performs the character of "Chewie, the Apprentice Electrician."

BECOMING HOUSE-TRAINED
STRENGTHS: A very difficult and frustrating task to teach an animal.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han, Luke, and Chewie are casually talking in the kitchen one day when they realize that Chewbacca has relieved himself where he stood. What's more, he continues to act normal, as if nothing is wrong. That's when they both realize that he's technically an animal and just goes to the bathroom wherever. After a grueling six week training program involving lots of old newspaper and admonishment, Chewbacca finally gets his elusive medallion as well as a standing O from the Rebel Alliance for using the toilet.

PICKING THE SUPERBOWL
STRENGTHS: If the New York Giants historic upset of the New England Patriots last year is any indication, football is an impossible game to predict.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Before the game, Chewie, about 2 boxes of wine in, predicts that he will eat 400 wings. Everybody laughs, figuring that it's just the box of wine he chugged talking. But when a Wings2Go deliveryman shows up with two vans full of wings, everyone goes quiet and realizes he was serious. After consuming the wings, he is taken to the hospital for severe indigestion.

DEFENDING ROD BLAGOJEVICH
STRENGTHS: Almost impossible due to the fact there are multiple tapes in which the former Illinois governor implicates himself.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Greedo agree to debate the issue in a local auditorium for college students as a favor to Admiral Ackbar, who's teaching a poli-sci course at Mon Calamari Community College. In his opening statement, Greedo rips into the governor and delivers a perfect five minute speech stating the case against Blagojevich. When it's Chewie's turn to speak, he directs the students' attention to a Powerpoint presentation he prepared. After several slides containing nothing but pictures of Blagojevich and the state of Illinois, the final slide is an animated GIF featuring Greedo doing it with Blagojevich. Underneath the image are the words "U R Gay."

MAINTAINING A POPULAR BLOG
STRENGTHS: As someone who knows from experience, I can tell you it's no small feat.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Inexplicably, Chewie scores 10,000 hits daily with his popular blog RottingHunksofBeef.blogspot.com, where he posts pictures of rotting hunks of beef that he finds. You know, like the one that sprang the Ewok booby trap in Return of the Jedi.

NOT LIKING THE SHOW GREY'S ANATOMY
STRENGTHS: Despite his gruff exterior, Chewie really enjoys the show.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After telling Han and Lando that he had a dream about an episode of Grey's where Dr. McDreamy has sex with a pie, he is ridiculed to referring to the actor as "McDreamy." Out of sheer anger and embarrassment, Chewie then storms to Hollywood and beats the hell out of actor Patrick Dempsey. Dempsey is so badly hurt that he must be written out of the show for a season. Although he gets dap from Lando and Han, the beating leaves a profound bruise on Chewbacca's psyche as he descends into a whirlpool of despair; he's like Okonkwo after he killed Ikemefuna.

The Monopoly Guy Really Beefed Up For This

2009-01-29T11:02:00.005-05:00

Caught this trailer the other day. This movie might be pretty awesome.

Basically, it's about this guy who goes to jail for robbery. He goes nuts in jail and keeps getting loose, taking hostages, beating people mercilessly, and becoming a celebrity in the process. And he adopts the name Charles Bronson.

Oh yeah, and it actually happened. And the dude's still alive.

I will be going to see this when it comes out. One of my favorite parts of living in in a major city is the fact that you can pretty much see any movie that gets released. Last weekend I saw the excellent Slumdog Millioniare, or as I like to call it, Punjabi Goodfellas. Back home in Fredericksburg, I doubt it's playing anywhere. The theater there plays about nine movies, which usually include 7 pieces of standard Hollywood garbage, a kids movie, and no more than one movie for black people.

I don't know much about this film yet other than what I've seen in the trailer, but I can tell you where they should have the premiere:

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Emmett's Fix-It Shop to fix Emmett.

Sign Up For the Dark Lord's Mailing List

2009-01-28T18:32:00.001-05:00

When it comes to social networking friend requests, I don't discriminate. I will accept pretty much anyone who I'm reasonably sure isn't spamming me. My online background checks are the opposite of thorough; I figure the reason you're on Facebook or MySpace is to connect with as many people as possible.

But every once in awhile there's a particular person who can make me question my lack of a screening process.

Apparently, one girl who requested me as a friend happens to dabble in devil worship. I blindly accepted her before I checked out her page. She sent out a bulletin urging everyone she knew to check out some of her info. I assumed she was trying to convince me to believe what she believed in.

Which led to the ultimate question, which is creepier: MySpace or devil worship?

On one hand, devil worship needs no introduction: you're dedicating your life and all your beliefs to pure evil. But in the world of social networking, MySpace is the worst. It's the playground of thirteen year olds and the To Catch a Predator contestants who chase them.

MySpace is the Internet's Vice President of creepiness.

Trying to convince me to worship the devil is hard enough in and of itself. Why make the request even weirder? That's a steep hill you're trying to climb, and you're just making it steeper. Even other devil worshippers think MySpace is sketchy. "Dude, why are you using MySpace? What do you think we are, child molesters? I just want to hail Lucifer over here, I'm not trying to stalk my ex-girlfriend."

They can't have a successful conversion rate via email. If they really want to attract more followers, shouldn't they be giving away free stuff? When I was at Virginia Tech, the credit card predators gave you all kinds of useless clothing before they boned you in the long-run. If I'm going to commit my life to Satan, at least let me get a navy blue shirt that says COLLEGE for my trouble. A keychain with horns on it, maybe a beer cozy with Hitler and Ted Bundy's face on it, something.

Satanism has to be a tough sell. You have to have a shitty life to worship the devil. Think about it. No CEO of a Fortune 500 Company has ever taken up devil worship. "Our stocks are through the roof, so I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that I've had a pentagram tattooed on my ass." Have you ever heard of an MLB, NFL, or NBA player going for Satan? Dwayne Wade is rich enough that he could waterski using two human beings as his waterskis.....you think he's taking some time to brush up on his Wiccan literature and pierce his entire face?

I'll tell you a big reason why I could never join that party. I think that there is a God. Well, I think there is something. I'm not very religious, but like anyone, I try to be a decent person, and I'm convinced that some kind of higher power exists in this universe. Here's the thing: I feel like even athiests have to admit that there's a chance that God exists. Maybe you don't believe in God, but you have to acknowledge the possibility of a God, or a higher being. And that's why I'm not down with the devil: because for all I know, God is nothing but a human construct that has never existed.....

But there's always that chance.

If there's a heaven and a hell, I could see God letting atheism slide. As long as an atheist was a good person at the core, I can see God looking the other way on some non-belief. But what if you die, and you have to stand in front of a bunch of archangels with a shaved head and horns tattooed behind your ears? You won't be shooting darts with Gandhi anytime soon, that's for sure.

One thing I thought was funny about this girl's bulletin: she had an advertisement for her weekly podcast called Satanism Today. First of all, I think it's funny that apparently there are enough changes made to Satanism that we would require weekly updates on its progress. Secondly, you have to give Satanists credit for embracing new technology. MySpace, podcasts....can't wait to see what they come up with next: Hey Satan fans, follow all our goat sacrificings on Twitter!

I Love It When A TV Show-Turned-Movie Comes Together

2009-01-28T14:45:00.002-05:00

Ain't It Cool News reports that director Joe Carnahan has been attached to the long-in-development movie adaptation of the hit 80's show The A-Team. The property has been in development hell for years now, but with a director firmly in place, it looks as if it may actually get off the ground this time.

Before I get to the meat of this post, let's delve a little further into the idea of an A-Team remake. Every A-Team episode had the same plot. Team rolls into town to find a person or group of people being wronged by bad guys. Team builds some kind of weapon, shown to us in montage form, in order to defeat the bad guys. Lots of violence with no deaths. Growing up, it was one of my family's favorite shows. In fact, I was so afraid of flying when I was little that we joked about giving me drugged milk before take-off, like they used to do to Mr. T on the show. That's in stark contrast to how I cope with my fear of flight now, which is by pissing myself and crying. Anyway, here's how I'm casting the A-Team movie:

Bruce Willis as Hannibal Smith - You figure in this day and age, you need someone old enough to be a convincing leader while being young enough to still fight believably. McClane covers both categories here.

Robert Downey, Jr. as Howling Mad Murdock - If Downey says no, you get Sam Rockwell. If Rockwell says no, you don't make the movie.

Mr. T as BA Baracus - There is no need to recast this part. BA Baracus IS Mr. T. I can't imagine anyone else trying to act like Mr. T, and if you don't have someone in this acting like Mr. T, then it's not the A-Team, is it? The best part is that you wouldn't have to explain why BA is so much older than the rest of the team, because Mr. T doesn't age.

Ben Affleck as Templeton Peck - Hear me out on this. 99% of the population hates on Affleck, but this is the part he was born to play. You think he couldn't pull of the role of smarmy, self-absorbed con-man douche?

For all the hardcore A-Team fans out there, I'd also cast Michael Pena as Frankie, Kevin Spacey as Stockwell, and then I'd check Tommy Lee Jones for a pulse and cast him as Colonel Decker.

The idea of adapting a television show to the big screen is hardly a new one. Over the years movies based on TV shows have ranged in quality from ambitious-yet-flawed all the way down to hilariously awful. If I ran Hollywood, here are some TV shows I would fast-forward for movie treatment, along with the talent I'd attach to each project:

Charles in Charge
Directed by Michael Mann
Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale
Depp stars as adult male housekeeper Charles, who along with best friend Buddy Lembeck entertain the Powell family he lives with on a daily basis. For some reason, they both carry guns everywhere and investigate crimes, even though they're both idiots with dead-end jobs.

Perfect Strangers
Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
Starring Edward Norton and Daniel Day-Lewis
Norton's turn as the neurotic, high-strung Cousin Larry will get overlooked by the subtle, nuanced performance of Day-Lewis as Eastern European immigrant Balki Bartokomous. The movie starts off with a fourteen minute, dialogue-free sequence in which Balki leaves his war torn homeland of Mypos on a donkey. Mann explores the idea of Balki being a stranger in a strange land, which manifests itself during a climactic scene in which Larry gets his foot stuck in the toilet.

Family Matters
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Starring Don Cheadle, Halle Berry, and Reginald VelJohnson
Cheadle and Halle, despite their age, play Steve and Laura in this coming-of-age science fiction/romance. Nolan really gets Cheadle to play around with the dual personality of Urkel, with the inner battle between Steve and Stefan taking centerstage. Cheadle's performance is a tour de force, especially during the second half of the film, in which he builds a time machine. By the picture's end, the audience is floored when a tearful and angry VelJohnson utters the final line of "Go home, Steve."

Step By Step
Directed by the Coen Brothers
Starring John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, and John Turturro
Quirky, fast-paced dialogue straight out of the 1930's replaces the surfer lingo of Cody in this odd take on a Brady Bunch rip-off. The first half is solid, with John Goodman shining as Frank and Turturro bringing an eccentric sensibility to the role of teenager J.T. The film begins to slide when Cody, played reliably by Steve Buscemi, shoves little brother Mark into a woodchipper for seemingly no reason.

Full House
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Starring John Travolta, Robert DeNiro, and Michael Madsen
QT starts this adaptation off with a brutal assault of Michelle and her cousins, Nicky and Alex. Seems that Kimmy Gibbler has had enough abuse from the Tanners, so she goes medieval on the small children, kidnapping and maiming them while the song Baby Beluga plays in the background. That's when Danny (Travolta) Uncle Joey (DeNiro) and Jessie (Madsen) decide to get payback. An intricate revenge film, viewers will squirm when they see how Danny tortures Kimmy with a Swiffer Jet; they'll also laugh when they hear Joey and Jessie's thirty five minute conversation about how The Beach Boys got their name.

Ask Dr. Danielle

2009-01-27T12:08:00.002-05:00

This is Danielle. Back in high school, we were best friends. Think Jenny and Forrest, if Jenny was the one with the IQ of 75 and leg braces. Last weekend I went back to my home town to visit my parents, and I was surprised to run into her downtown, still in the same place I left her. I asked her what she'd been up to since graduation, and she stammered out some lame ass story about how she got a PhD in psychology. I didn't fully believe her, but she begged me to let her answer reader questions on relationships and dating to prove she was an expert. So we're starting a new feature called "Ask Dr. Danielle." Here she is, but keep in mind, I'm not 100% positive she's actually a doctor:

Manic in Minneapolis writes: My wife and I are taking a vacation in Australia next summer and she wants to go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef. The truth is....I'm scared!!! How can I explain this to her, and is there anything I can do to get over my fear?

Dr. Danielle: Snorkel is a funny word. You know, it was the great philosopher Napolean Bonaparte who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear in and of itself." Just do it man and your wife will thank you. Besides, the science classes I took in medical school taught me that there are no sharks in Australia. Unless kangaroos learn how to swim, I think you're safe ;)

(Ed. note - Okay, according to an Australian government website, there are plenty of sharks in Australia. What she said has absolutely no basis in fact, and I am now beginning to realize that she is no doctor and I should have never given this buffoon her own column. Might as well let her finish, I guess. Oh, and not that it matters, but kangaroos can swim)

Single in St. Louis writes: I'm a newly single woman and I'm ready to hit the open market! What do you think is the best way to sink my teeth into dating without moving too fast?

Dr. Danielle: What I usually do is wait outside my local law firms and hospitals for what old Danielle likes to call a "beefcake stakeout." If that doesn't work, Craig's List ads under multiple aliases oughta do the trick.

On an unrelated note: if you see an ad under Casual Encounters for a Shaniqua Carmelo using my picture, it's totally not me.

Confused in California writes: My boyfriend is Palestinean, and his family hates me because I practice Judaism. How can I bridge the cultural gap and win them over?

Dr. Danielle: Next time they get mad at you for practicing Judaism, just ask them how in the heck you are supposed to get better at something without practicing?!? LOL.

In all seriousness.....I have no idea what Judaism is. Is it someone who has a bias against Jude Law? Because if that's the case, then this is one girl who does NOT practice Judaism! That man is fine! Yep, this is one lady with a legitimate, non-fake PhD in psychology who wouldn't mind saying "How do you do?" to that boy! Why, he's the kind of guy who makes you want to spend hours at work crafting fan fiction to be posted on Internet message boards telling stories of how he carried you out of your office dressed in a Naval uniform like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman!

Not that I've ever done that.....

Pathetic in Portland writes: I'm a doctor from the Pacific Northwest. I'm a 49 year old bald asshole. I'm four foot eight. I have a hunchback covered in hair. My hot breath smells like a four week old Cinnabon that a warthog farted on. My name is Lou Feldman. For Christ's sake, has anyone ever gotten laid with the name Lou Feldman? I've been told I look like what would happen if a walrus and Danny DeVito had a kid. Please, help me with the ladies, Doctor. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I tuck my t-shirts into my underwear and I live with my mother.

Dr. Danielle: A doctor, eh?

Email me ;)

Injured in Iowa writes: I know you're a psychologist, not a medical doctor, but I have headaches and dizziness every afternoon. Anything to be worried about?

Dr. Danielle: Nah, you should be fine.

(Ed. note - That is horrible medical advice and common sense tells you to seek genuine medical attention immediately)

Rehabilitated in Rikers Island writes: My parole hearing is coming up in two years, and I want to know how I can best reenter the dating scene once I get out. Can you tell me how a social miscreant such as myself can resume having normal relationships?

Dr. Danielle: I actually think it might be better if we got together to talk about this over dinner, maybe this Thursday around six? If your warden is cool with it, that is. I'm just thinking out loud here. I can definitely answer that question, as well as bring along some candles, a box of wine, and a pot roast for us to share through a pane of glass, maybe? If you're not busy? If you want? I am single.

Mr. Peanut Responds To Salmonella Allegations

2009-01-26T13:42:00.006-05:00

Amid a recent scare over a salmonella outbreak in peanut butter and peanut butter products, I contacted famed peanut expert and legume Mr. Peanut for his thoughts on the news. He had an interesting take on the issue:

It's rare that you hear the good name of peanut butter sullied with such wanton carelessness by the mainstream media, but that is exactly what's happening. If you listen to the newspapers, you'd think that eating a regular old PB&J sandwich will give you gout of the heart. I'm here to tell you that it's ludicrous. While many people panic at these outlandish claims of food poisoning, I know the real cause of this uproar.

It is simply another case of legume discrimination.

My kind has been held down for too long, and it's time someone stood up and said something for my brethren. It's gone on for decades in the food world, and a stop must be put to this. I've seen it manifest itself insidiously countless times while no action was taken. Beans forced to go to separate schools. Peas made to sit at the back of the pod. And worst of all: lentil-only water fountains. Well, as the world's most recognizable of our kind, I am here to take a stand. In order to bring more awareness to the situation, I will share my own harrowing tales of legumism, and how it has impacted my life personally.

Before I gained fame as a symbol for peanuts everywhere, all I wanted to do was dance. I was a professional flamenco dancer, and when my partner Tatyana and I hit the floor, my God were we caliente. Her lover, Raoul, was a jealous almond from Brazil who could not stand to see her be so intimate with another man. It didn't help that his stepfather was a vicious alfalfa who insulted him often. When we were practicing for the state finals, he showed up at our rehearsal and smacked my left knee cap with a crowbar. As the police carried him away, he maniacally yelled out, "Sic semper legumis!" Tatyana tried to pull me to my feet, but it was hopeless. Irreparable damaged had been done to my leg. I never danced again, and for the rest of my life I will be forced to walk with the aid of a cane.

All was not lost, however. I was able to make a lucrative living on the motivational speaking circuit after word of my triumph in the face of adversity spread throughout the country. People were captivated by my speeches. Planters Nuts even signed me on as their spokesperson, even though I'm not technically a nut. They sent me on a speaking tour, and it was there that legumism reared its ugly head yet again. We stopped in for a promotional appearance at a pool hall in the backwoods of Alabama. A couple of burly Macadamia nuts in flannel shirts and trucker hats challenged me to a money game, thinking I'd be a fish. But I hustled them. Two hours later, I was $400 richer. As I walked out to the parking lot, one of the bulkier nuts took his pool cue and jabbed it in my right eye. As the cops dragged him away, he smirked and bellowed, "That'll teach yer kind to come around here, ya no good legg-yume!" They had to rush me to the hospital. They saved the eye, but in order to maintain 20/20 vision, I've had to wear a corrective monocle ever since.

While I took some time off to recuperate from my injury, I met a lovely young pecan nurse named Rosie. While I was bed-ridden for several months, my hair grew to ridiculous lengths. Rosie would spend hours running her fingers sensuously through my flowing, golden locks, telling me how that in spite of our differences, she physically could not help loving someone with hair as beautiful as mine.

Unfortunately when she took me home, her father was not as fond of me or my mane.

A magician and rabid legumist, he would loudly proclaim how nuts were the superior plant whenever Rosie brought me over. He would often do magic tricks that embarrassed me in front of her, but she would always say, "As long as he has that gorgeous hair, Daddy, I will always love him." One afternoon, Rosie and I fell asleep watching a movie on her couch. I awoke later to find father standing over me, clutching an electric razor and wearing a devilish grin. I sprinted to the bathroom to find that he had shaved my head clean. When Rosie saw me, she screamed and ran into her room. Her father ordered me to leave as he went to console her. Panic rushed through my veins, as I realized that a peanut of my stature could not be seen in public with a barren skull. Luckily, in his preparation for a magic performance later that night, her father had left one of his top hats on the family coat rack. I stole it, and ever since I have worn it to conceal my baldness in shame.

So, there you have it. That is my story. I hope it serves as a reminder that we need to preach tolerance for all foods, no matter what their genetic make-up. If these atrocities could happen to me, think of how bad it is for all those below me in food society. I am one of the most prominent and widely known peanuts in all the world and I still see the effects of legumism. Imagine how hard it must be for that pinto bean digging through your garbage.

Roethlisberger to Call Play Designed to Take Out Ken Whisenhunt

2009-01-25T21:11:00.011-05:00

PITTSBURGH, PA - The rift between Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Arizona Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt has been a hot topic of discussion in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. While Whisenhunt has downplayed the dispute, Roethlisberger called a press conference Sunday to announce that he plans to call a play designed specifically to physically injure Whisenhunt while he coaches from the sideline.

"Red 38 Motion," said Roethlisberger. "That's a sweep to the left. We're going to pitch it out to Willie, probably for one, maybe two yard gain. It won't get us much, but I'm fixing to have eight to ten incredibly large men crashing into Coach Bitchenhunt. "

Whisenhunt was Roethlisberger's offensive coordinator in Pittsburgh for several years, and according to several reports, the two did not get along. This lead to Roethlisberger's desire to call a play that would lead to several players running into Whisenhunt, causing him probable harm. Roethlisberger added, "I'm hoping it takes out a knee or something. Then maybe he'll get up, and in his frustration fall backwards into a table full of water cups. It's worked in every football comedy ever made; I figure it'll work here."

The sweep, a football play in which the quarterback tosses the ball to a running back in the backfield, is usually reserved for short yardage situations. But Roethlisberger stated he plans to run the play whenever the Steelers are within striking distance of Whisenhunt.

"As soon as I get the opportunity, I'm calling that play," said Roethlisberger. When reminded that he has no role in the play calling duties, Roethlisberger scoffed. "I'm not worried about what the coaches call because frankly my favorite play, and the only one I ever call, is the one where I roll out of the pocket, hold onto the ball too long, and then chuck it downfield. Now that I think about it, that's probably one of the main reasons Ken hated me."

When asked how he will respond to this aggression against his coach, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner said he planned to throw the ball directly into Steeler linebacker James Harrison's crotch.

Closing Guantanamo Is a Bad Idea

2009-01-23T06:24:00.009-05:00

President Obama has issued an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay within the next year. Most have agreed that this is a sound and just decision. On a number of levels, the prison violated the very principles this country was founded on.

My take? The closing of Guantanamo Bay will be the first catastrophic decision of Obama's presidency.

Don't get me wrong. I don't support the violation of anyone's rights. I don't support torture and ideally, we would release anyone who wasn't truly guilty.

But am I the only one who saw Ghostbusters?

For all you Nazi communists who haven't, I'll elaborate. The Ghosbusters have a containment chamber where they store up all the ghosts they catch. The city is overrun with spirits, and they take care of the problem efficiently. Only thing was, EPA stiff Walter Peck shows up with a court order forcing them to open it up. Tells them it pollutes the environment. Hundreds of ghosts are released, willy-nilly, into New York City. How'd that one turn out, you ask? I don't mean to spoil the movie for you, but let me say this: it was a disaster.

This country is hardly equipped to handle the release of all those prisoners, much like the city of New York was not prepared for all those ghosts. Are you ready to mingle with mad bombing zealots in your everyday life? I'm guessing you're not. As soon as the prison closes, we'll have to deal with an influx of ruffians who will be slipping and sliding all over this great land of ours doing what they do best: terrorizing. Before you know it, bombs will be going off, heads will roll, monuments will fall, the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster will hook up up, and Gozer will be fucking up all our shit.

It's easy to get caught up in the moment. Everyone is excited for a new president who has promised sweeping changes. But we need to keep our eye on the ball and let the brilliantly crafted writing of Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd serve as our guide on this particular issue. You can't get everyone in this country to agree on much, but one thing everyone can agree on is that Walter Peck was a Grade A douchebag in that movie. Well, guess what America? If you support the closing of GITMO, you're basically that guy. You're just going to keep bitching and complaining until terrorists roam among us until John McClane's wife punches you in the face.

No doubt, there are innocent people being warehoused and tortured unfairly. But might I go so far as to say that there might have been innocent ghosts? I'm sure not every specter they captured was guilty of anything besides being dead. I'm sure Ray and Egon were guilty of capturing a couple ghosts who were just stray dead guys, minding their business. Those are the breaks when it comes to Ghosbusting. And homeland security.

If all those detainees aren't in Guantanamo, they're going to be somewhere else. Your office, your church, the movies. You won't be able to avoid them. You don't want to be in line at the grocery store and see a terrorist behind you with a bunch of dynamite strapped to his chest. Maybe he's just getting some food on his way to wherever he's going to detonate, but still....you feel uncomfortable knowing that he's got that bomb. Then out in the parking lot you see him load his bags into his UHaul trailer full of cow manure and watch him pull away.

Maybe you stop to buy a hot dog from a street vendor. You turn your head to take a sip of your soda, and while you're not looking, a terrorist runs past you and snatches the hot dog before you can even take a bite. Then when you turn back around, you're stuck there with no hot dog, looking like a befuddled douche.

Or let's say you come home after a long day of work. You want to kick back with a cold beer and a bag of chips. But when you go into your cupboard, you're stunned to find no chips. It's just a Middle Eastern man in shackles, sitting there inside the cupboard, with crumbs all over his orange jumpsuit. Plus he drank all your beer.

In the end, the Ghostbusters are sprung from jail just in time to heroically save the day. Unfortunately, this time the mayor of New York won't be able to step in and order the Ghostbusters to clean up our mess for us. Unfortunately, we'll be sentenced to a society littered with suspected terrorists infiltrating this great land of ours. It's sad, because it's such an avoidable fate. If only President Obama had seen what ended up being Bill Murray's third or fourth best movie.

I'd like to close with a quote from George Santayana: "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

And while we're on the subject of the Ghostbusters, it always bothered me that they never caught the librarian from the beginning. Seems like an odd loose end not to tie up.

A Day In the Life of an Academy Award Voter

2009-01-22T12:23:00.009-05:00

The nominees for the 81st Academy Awards were announced this morning, and conspicuous by its absence among the nominees for Best Picture was The Dark Knight. I've made my feelings on that film clear; anyone who brands it anything less than a masterpiece is a dolt of Gumpian levels. Nevertheless, all I will say is that I think an injustice has occurred, and I'll leave it at that. I refuse to use this space as a forum to sully the good name of all the intelligent, worldly Academy voters. After all, they are more sophisticated than any of us common folk who saw The Dark Knight three or four times.

The Oscar voting is incredibly secretive, but today, we're in luck. One of many Oscar voters responsible for The Dark Knight not being up for Best Picture has penned a guest blog taking us through a typical day in the life of an Oscar voter. I think it will be interesting to get a look into the mind of a member of our society's cultural elite. The voter's name? Buddy, a chimp doped up on sleeping pills. Take it away, Buddy.

I have fallen under heavy criticism for my failure to nominate The Dark Knight for Best Picture. I insist that this cartoonish film is beneath me, and in order to display that, allow me to take you through each part of my incredibly cultured and thoughtful day.

I start every morning with a screening of a foreign film. Something with subtext and a deeper meaning that most Hollywood films lack. Something that was definitely missing from The Dark Knight. I do this all from the confines of my king-size bed, which is shaped like a banana.

It takes me about two hours to actually get out of bed, as the pills take quite some time to wear off. I usually summon my butler, Jeeves, around 8:30, and he has to pick me up and dress me. He then drives me to a nearby art gallery, where I explain to everyone why they do not truly understand all the masterpieces on display. I end up passing out four or five times per visit, but I make sure I don't fall on any of the exhibits. I also have Jeeves sweep the building prior to my entrance to make sure no one has a banana, as the mere sight of one would cause me to screech and holler uncontrollably. I always end up at the Picasso exhibit, where I shed a tear. Such genius is what I look for in the films I vote for. I then jump around, spit at the paintings, pass out, and have to be dragged out out of there.

Then it's off to my local theatre to view some arthouse films. No Hollywood schlock for me. Only independent features that deal with serious issues. If it has a budget over a million dollars, I refuse to even watch it. That's not to say I won't criticize, however. If I see a film that fails to inspire me, I give it the harshest criticism I can bestow: my pooh, flung at the screen.

After my afternoon matinee, I head to my psychiatrist to talk about my burgeoning addiction to sleeping pills.

My evenings are spent at the area's finest restaurants. I have to pick a different one each night, though, because I always end up getting kicked out. I order a bottle of the restaurant's finest wine for me and my chimp lady friend. In order to impress her, I then order the most expensive dish in the place. When they bring it out to my table, I end up beating the waiter over the head with my plate because it's not a banana.

I have drawn a lot of criticism for not voting for a Batman movie for Oscar, but any film based on a comic book character falls well below our fine Academy's lofty standards. I'm afraid that I can't accept such a ridiculous film as the year's greatest. To do would just be silly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go suck down some cocktails, stuff my face with bananas, and hope the meds kick in by 8.

Yay Obama!

2009-01-21T10:25:00.009-05:00

This has been a fun and event-filled week in the nation's capital. The election of Barack Obama has truly been a watershed moment in American history. Anytime a a majority of people, including incredibly knowledgeable celebrities, get behind one person and urge you to follow him blindly and without question, you know it's the right thing to do. No famous person has been more outspoken about Obama's rise to power than talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Lucky for me and I was able to score an interview with Oprah late last night:

MIKE: A truly great day for this country, eh? How excited are you, Oprah?

OPRAH: Very excited! I'm so glad that America stood up and recognized what was best for them. I know we had a rough patch in the last two elections, and I had lost faith in America's ability to choose. But they saw the light shown to them by actors and singers who are much more socially aware, and they followed that righteous path. They'll be better for it. We got done what needed to get done, baby! Barack is the president, and before long we'll all be farting rainbows!

MIKE: The biggest theme of Barack Obama's campaign has been about change. Can you explain how you believe that will manifest itself in specific instances?

OPRAH: Certainly. I believe Barack will usher in an era of hope. Hope that can uplift. Hope that can inspire. Hope the likes of which we have never seen in this country. Hope that will crush the will of anyone who opposes the all-mighty Barack.

MIKE: Okay...You just made a bunch of vague, blanket statements about hope that mean next to nothing.

OPRAH: It's important to remember that hope is a good thing, Mike. And no good thing ever dies.

MIKE: You stole that line from Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

OPRAH: I'm not familiar with that picture, although I heard Morgan was in it, and I'm sure he was excellent.

MIKE: Forget about hope. Can you cite a specific policy that Barack Obama plans to enact?

OPRAH: Policy? You think this election is about policy? It's about hope. It's about change. And it's about electing a man who could one day possibly be played by Chiwetel Ejiofor in a movie. Have you seen that man act? He's excellent.

MIKE: I always saw him playing Lionel Richie, until I realized no one would go see a movie about Lionel Richie.

OPRAH: Well, I think he gives off a very presidential vibe that will one day show itself in the Obama biopic, which I plan to produce after President Obama's fifth term.

MIKE: Oprah....presidents can only serve two terms.

OPRAH: That's correct for now, yes.

MIKE: I happened to catch a few minutes of the Neighborhood Ball on ABC last night. With its countless entertainers, extravagant wardrobes, and lavish designs, as an event it seemed a tad disingenuous what with the fragile state of today's economy. What do you say to those who chalk this up as another example of Barack Obama's elitist tendencies?

OPRAH: I talked to Barack about this last night while we were being fitted for mink coats, and he would never want anyone to think he's an elitist. The very idea of anyone thinking that bothered him throughout his entire champagne bath. He told me that during his morning wipe-down, he kept asking his man servant, Jerome, if he thought he came off as snobby. Whenever Jerome paused to fetch a fresh baby wipe from the dispenser, he would be sure to say, "Mr. President, you relate to the common man. Everyone in your personal orchestra that you've hired to play Superstitious every morning agrees with me." It took me a half hour to convince him that he comes off as humble and unassuming. We had a big laugh about it over our dodo egg omelets.

MIKE: Wait a second....you ate dodo eggs? I thought the dodo bird was extinct! You're telling me there are still dodo birds alive? How can I see one?

OPRAH: Well, I'm going to have to barf it back up, 'cause they're all gone now.

MIKE: Oh. Well, this has been enlightening. Let me close this interview by saying that even though I disagree with much of what he says, I wish nothing but the best for President Barack Hussein Obama.

OPRAH: What? Hussein? Why did you say that?

MIKE: Um, that's his middle name.

OPRAH: WHAT?!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? SWEET CHRIST, THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING! HE'S A TERRORIST, HE HAS TO BE! HUSSEIN? AS IN "SADDAM HUSSEIN?!?!!?"

MIKE: Oprah, that's ridiculous, of course he isn't a -

OPRAH: HE IS! I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! THE EVIDENCE LINKING HIM AND SADDAM IS INCONTROVERTIBLE! HOW DID EVERYBODY MISS THE BOAT ON THIS ONE?!? MIGHT AS WELL PACK UP AND MOVE TO CANADA.

MIKE: Oprah, it's just a coincidence. And it's just a name.

OPRAH: Dear God, are we in trouble. Wow. I have to apologize to America. I've made a grave error. God, I can't believe I supported someone who was in cahoots with Saddam Hussein. I am such a sanctimonious tub of goo.

MIKE: Hey, you said that, not me.

History in the Making

2009-01-19T10:19:00.007-05:00

Host of MSNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews, writes in with his take on this Tuesday's inauguration:

Washington, D.C. is buzzing with excitement over the inauguration of Barack Obama. But there’s more to be excited about this week. Much more. Not only have we clearly elected the man who will become the greatest president of all time, but President Obama’s election to the highest office in the land is clear evidence that someone has invented some kind of time machine. After all, that is the only way that Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln would have been able to conceive their love-child that is Barack Obama.

I don’t know much about Obama’s parents; every time I sit down to do research on the man I end up furiously masturbating. But from hearing the man speak, I can definitely tell something about his lineage. The man comes from noble stock. He couldn’t have been the product of two everyday American people. The only logical conclusion after witnessing the greatness that is Barack Obama is that two great Americans must have sired him. Specifically, the man who did more for the black cause in this country than anyone, and a president who wore a top hat and a funny beard.

Time travel has been a long sought after ability for the human race, and apparently we have perfected the technology. Not only that, but you could also deduce that we figured out a way for two men to have a baby together. I don’t know what amazing scientist came up with this new technology, but I’m glad he did.

I imagine the scientist’s journey brought him first to Memphis in the 50’s. Kidnapped MLK. Then I’m sure he went to back to the 1860’s, talked with Honest Abe, and explained our county‘s dire situation. I’m sure he told him that because of that idiot Bush, now everyone was poor, hungry, and rioting in the streets. Then he put forth his modest proposal: have sex with this civil rights leader from 100 years in the future in order to help America 150 years after you’re dead.

Then I imagine this scientist setting up a romantic dinner for the 16th president and Mr. King. Candles, rose petals, the works. I can see him going to the grocery store to get London Broil, red potatoes, and maybe carrots and broccoli, or something like that. Since he’s a scientist, I imagine he doesn’t know how to cook, so maybe later he burns all the food and has to order out. I imagine him getting in a fight with the delivery guy once it gets there because he ordered chicken, not fish. I envision him getting really nervous that Martin and Abe will realize he ordered out, but by that time they’re so in love with each other that it’s impossible for anything he did to screw this up.

Perhaps the two had an argument over who had to be the Mom. I can imagine the scientist sitting the two down to explain them his complicated machine he’s built to allow men to carry children. Once they fail to grasp that concept, I think he’ll show them the Schwarzenegger movie Junior. Then I can see him explaining the DVD to both of them, and the concept of television and movies to Lincoln. After that’s cleared up, maybe they hold a rock-paper-scissors competition to decide who has to carry the child.

This might sound far-fetched to some, but I really can’t think of another reasonable explanation for how we got the gift of Obama. The only other way I can think of is that the same time machine guy got Jesus and Gandhi together and he was their baby, but I think we all can agree that is patently ridiculous.

Moving forward, this can only help us better understand Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was the country’s second greatest president of all time. (second, of course, to Barack Obama). But we have always craved to know more about this great man. Now we can know that since genetic traits are passed down, Lincoln was somewhat arrogant, enjoyed pick-up basketball games, smoked, was a senator from Illinois, had two black children and a black wife, and whenever members of his staff could possibly be implicated in pay for play scandals, he simply had his staff issue a report clearing his own staff of all wrongdoing.

It makes sense that Obama would be such a great speaker. After all, one of his parents was the third greatest public speaker of all time (behind Obama and Tony Robbins, who saved my life). He’s such a good speaker that it makes me think perhaps JFK was involved in this conception somehow. Maybe the scientist figured out a way for a child to have three parents, all of them male? It’s definitely possible. If a guy can figure out a way to build a time machine and get two of the world’s most important men ever to have sex and procreate, he damn sure won’t have a hard time talking JFK into a three-way.

Tuesday will be an historic, landmark event. It warms my heart to know that our country has elected its first black president. But I can’t help but wonder that perhaps a more amazing milestone has been achieved. Obama’s election represents a feat not just for social purposes, but for scientific ones as well. His election is a culmination of the dreams of Malcolm X, that creepy guy with the wispy mustache who had a baby a couple months back, and Doc Brown, come together as one. I hope to one day sit back as an old man and tell my grandparents - “Yes, I knew President Barack Obama. He was the world’s first all-male, three-way baby made from three important historical figures.”

And I will shed a tear.

Because, you know….I’ll think of how bad I wish I could have a baby with Obama.

Oh and also, I realize that I said I wanted to "sit back as an old man and tell my grandparents," about Obama, but that wasn't a typo. By the time I'm 80 I'd like to be able to afford a time machine myself.

Exploring Saturn: Because We're All Dying to Know

2009-01-17T11:18:00.009-05:00

I'm watching a show about Saturn. It's part of the History Channel's series The Universe. A bunch of scientists get together and talk trash about a gassy planet. It's basically like The View right after Star Jones quit.

Oh yeah, I went there. Wait, she's fat again, right?

Onto the recap!

* They have an involved discussion about Saturn's rings. It lasts for about fifteen minutes. They even talk about when the rings will disappear. Here's what I want to know: if all the particles break up and start traveling through space, can they destroy Earth? No? That's all I need. Basically, once you establish the fact that something in space can't go Armageddon on us, my interest begins to wane.

These guys continue to talk a planet that doesn't impact us in any way. One scientist talks at length about the fact that Saturn has no surface. Not really that interested in that, and can't really see how it's relevant to anything. Wait, no surface means no aliens who can attack us, right? Yeah? Okay, good. Go study pandas or something.

* I love seeing the collection of scientists they interview for these kind of shows. These guys would make Harvey Fierstein secure in his masculinity. Louis Skolnick looks like Maximus compared to these chibbies. Whenever one of the scientists finishes answering a question or commenting, I wish they'd show the interviewer going, "Fascinating. Next question: when's the last time you got laid?"

* There's always a lady scientist or two thrown in. I always feel bad for lady scientists because their potential dating pool is so limited. At the end of the day, when she slips away from the lab to go get a drink, she has to be thinking, "My precise calculations show that I have a 95.6324% chance of marrying a giant dork. Son of a glaven!"

* Ten minutes are dedicated to a spacecraft we send over there to study the weather. Glad to know we can figure out the chance of precipitation on a planet none of us will ever see. How we doing on the cure for AIDS?

* One scientist puts forward the theory that Saturn has lightning, only that no one's ever seen it. There could be giant redwoods on Saturn. There could be armies of dogs wearing funny hats on Saturn. There could be anything on Saturn. We don't know. We'll never know. I tell you what we do know though: when Saturn will be getting hail.

* I took a break from the massive display of nerdage to check out Notre Dame and Syracuse on ESPN. They interviewed ND coach Mike Brey, and he had this to say about number one ranked Pitt: "The Big East is a league of men, and no one has more men than Pittsburgh." As opposed to what? "I mean, Marquette has four chicks playing, and have you seen Cincinnati's point guard? It's a pony."

* Another guy theorizes that Saturn's rings will disappear within several billion years. Basically, a theory that no one will live to disprove. I theorize that the dinosaurs went extinct when they all joined a suicide cult. If some guy comes forward and says that the triceratops was the Marshall Applewhite of dinosaurs, you can't prove that guy wrong.

* Back to the lady scientists: I bet one of the best parts of being a lady scientist is when you take off your glasses, shake your hair out of a bun, and chew on your glasses seductively.

* They discuss the phenomenon known as the "polar vortex," which is a "persistent, large-scale cyclone" according to our always reliable friends at Wikipedia. I ended up kind of half-listening to this part, so all I'll say is that polar vortex sounds what an action sequel to Polar Express where the North Pole gets attacked by bioterrorists. Oh and also, Santa is played by Steven Seagal.

* The narrator called Saturn's moon Titan "seductive." Take it easy there, buddy. It's a family show. Don't get too excited while you're giving us random facts:

Did you know that Titan has hundreds of miles of dunes 100 meters high? And that it has the word "tit" in it?

* They also talk about the possibility of life on Titan due to the appearance of ice and rivers. From some of the graphics they were showing, I don't know if we want to meet any life that comes from Titan. They can't be happy. It looks like it sucks there. If there are some kind of primordial fish-spiders that inhabit their oceans, the last thing we want to do is bring them over to Earth one day. We'd call this big press conference to welcome the primordial fish-spider to our planet as the first display of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, and the whole time he'd probably just complain about his back ache and being homesick for his primordial lake/web.

Astley RickRoll'd....Literally

2009-01-16T08:19:00.009-05:00

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - British singer Rick Astley, subject of the Internet phenomenon known as Rickrolling, was Rickroll'd early Friday morning, according to reports.

At approximately 3:30AM, two San Francisco police officers on their nightly patrol noticed a rather haggard man passed out in a gutter at the top of the city's famous Telegraph Hill.

"We shined a flashlight in his eyes, but he wasn't moving," said Officer Doug Pederson. "He looked like he hadn't shaved or washed in days. He smelled like a mixture of pee and despair. Once we saw that he was breathing, we figured he was some bum, passed out. I prodded him with my billy club for about ten seconds. When he wouldn't move, I kicked him in the ribs, pretty hard."

Astley proceeded to turn over and flop into the street, groaning and rubbing his belly. The officer then kicked him several more times, causing him to roll through the street and onto the opposite sidewalk. The officers were shocked once they checked his identification.

"I couldn't believe it was him," said Officer Todd Duke, also on the scene. "Tainted Love was one of my favorite songs back in the day. He got pretty mad at us for waking him up, though. Once he came to, he kept yelling at us, saying, 'Do you know who I am? I sang King of Wishful Thinking!'"

Duke then scratched his head. "I didn't say anything at the time, but I'm almost positive that was Go West."

According to the officers, once they let Astley go on his way, the Rickroll was not complete. Astley informed them that he planned to go get a taquito from the 7-11 at the bottom of the hill. Clearly still intoxicated, he then stumbled and fell down the steep incline, turning over and over until he came to a halt at a mailbox located at the bottom of the hill.

"You hate to see a former superstar like this," said Pederson, shaking his head. "I mean, this guy's a legend. It's not often you get to meet the man responsible for Caribbean Queen."

Astley's current whereabouts are unknown, although an unconfirmed rumor has him living in a refrigerator box with the guy who sang I Wanna Be Rich.

The Inaugural Address

2009-01-15T11:29:00.001-05:00

Well, I don't know how I pulled this one off....but I've gotten a copy of Barack Obama's inaugural speech. A friend of mine leaked it to me, and I wouldn't be doing my job as a blogger if I didn't post it here for all to see. So, before he says it next Tuesday, I present to you Barack Obama's inaugural address.

My fellow Americans, we are at the dawn of a new era in this country. An era of hope. An era of change. And an era in which everyone will get a boner over every move I make.

That's right America: I pretty much have a mandate to do anything I want. I'm not even talking politically. I'm talking about anything. I'm planning a heist for later this afternoon. You can quote me on this one: Barack Obama will act as though he's above the law, and the mass media will smile while I do it. If you challenge me, my minions will slap you down while I look on, as affable as ever.

I hope you share in my frustration over these pesky confirmation hearings that we're having for all my cabinet nominees. America voted for change. What they didn't vote for are confirmation hearings. Let's bypass the formalities. In fact, now I feel like showing off my power just to prove my superiority. I didn't want to do this, but you forced me into it: as my Secretary of Agriculture, I nominate O.J. Simpson. That's right, I have nominated Orenthal James Simpson, NFL Hall of Fame member and murderer, to tell me what kind of crops we should grow. I know I previously nominated former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, who is a worthy choice. But I have to prove a point.

Some have questioned my choice of Leon Panetta as new head of the CIA, due to the fact that he has no experience in the world of intelligence. To them I say, he has been a consumer of intelligence. And by consumer of intelligence, I mean he's a big fan of 24. You know what? It doesn't matter. I do what I want. Do you want to question any of my decisions? Let's have a debate about it. In public. What's that? You don't want to do that? Aren't you a handsome, charming minority who's also an incredible public speaker? Oh wait, that's right. That would be me.

I wish the Republicans would take a cue from the media and accept everything I say as gospel. They all understand that I'm already one of the greatest presidents of all time, no matter what I accomplish in office. Anything I do or say will be spun to reflect this. I could oversee eight 9/11's and I'll still be up there with FDR. They get it. I've got free reign to do whatever I want because they know that I am what's best for this country. Nothing about my past, or the past of any person with my staff, should be called into question. Doing so is tantamount to treason.

Did you know that Benedict Arnold hated black people? You don't hate black people, do you, America? Then you will blindly follow anything I do or say, before I have proven myself.

You know what the official Inaugural song is going to be? Let's say, Endless Love....sung by the DMX and Christina Aguilera. I think I'd like to hear that. They'll perform it in a big tank of water, riding on the backs of dolphins. That sounds pretty cool. Guess what? That is going to happen because I said so. I'm going to sit there and watch the whole thing go on, smoking a cigar and eating a giant sandwich of Scooby Doo sandwich proportions. And you can't stop me, and if you try to, you will be ridiculed by Chris Matthews.

You want to solve racism? Simple solution: racism is now illegal. Problem solved. For years we've had a racial divide in this country, and I just solved it by simply stating that hating black people is against the law. If you make a joke about any racial stereotype, you will go to jail for five years. No one had the power to do that before, but I can. I know what you're thinking: you can't just say something is a law, Barack. Well, guess what: one of the new laws I plan to enact is that I can make laws valid by simply saying they are laws. Why? Because I'm Barack Obama, and no one's going to call me on it.

I leave you with this anecdote, America, to show you how this country is going to work over the next 4-8 years. The other night, I had a dream. It was a beautiful, majestic dream.You see in this dream, Balki and his Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers were aboard Air Force One with me, trying to convince me to buy life insurance from them. Once I agreed to buy it, they said, "Great!" and then jumped out of the plane. Then I woke up. Later on I told my staff about my dream. Then I commissioned Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot to come out of retirement and film my dream aboard Air Force One. I hired a film crew, wrote a script, everything. It was so successful that I decided to film an entirely new season of Perfect Strangers in the Oval Office, financing it with my leftover campaign funds. It's going to debut on FX in June. Sound criminal to you? Eat it. Keith Olbermann will be slobbering over that idea within minutes.

Yesterday, we celebrated the life of the great Dr. Martin Luther King. Today, I'd like to close with a quote from the man. "Sometimes, the world looks perfect....nothing to rearrange. Sometimes you get the feeling that you need some kind of change. No matter what the odds are this time, nothing’s going to stand in my way. This flame in my heart, and a long lost friend, gives every dark street a light at the end! Standing tall! On the wings of my dreams! Rise and fall, on the wings of my dreams! The rain and thunder....the wind and haze.....I’m bound for better days. It’s my life, and my dream, and nothing’s......NOTHING's.......going to stop me now."

Thank you, and instead of saying God Bless America, I will now say our country's new motto, which is "Barackalicious." Barackalicious, America.

With All Due Respect

2009-01-14T08:35:00.002-05:00

Have you ever said, "With all due respect...." to someone who doesn't deserve any respect? I wonder how many times in history that's happened.

"With all due respect.....I don't know of any pimps who offer full benefits."

"With all due respect.....no shirt, no shoes, no service is an inflexible policy."

"With all due respect....I thought everybody knew that the movie Gandhi was based on true events."

"With all due respect.....I don't think we can let you pay for groceries in karate lessons, Mr. Seagal."

"With all due respect.....I don't know if it's a good idea to ask a priest if he wants to 'take this thing outside.'"

"With all due respect.....Michael and Sonny asked if you could take Dad to pick up oranges."

"With all due respect.....you might want to check over these blueprints one more time, Guy Who Designed the Space Shuttle Columbia."

"With all due respect.....I don't think you can smoke a hypodermic needle, Ms. Winehouse."

"With all due respect....I didn't realize you watched Mind of Mencia."

"With all due respect.....how could you betray Indy like that, Monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

"With all due respect....nobody wants to read fake blogs about Chewbacca and Phil Collins."

"With all due respect.....these upskirt photos you took of Britney Spears' crotch while flopping around in a gutter for hours on end waiting for her are your best work yet."

"With all due respect.....we're having some trouble getting that truckload of danishes to you while you edit your latest documentary, Mr. Moore."

"With all due respect....let me get an order of wings....by the way, I love the orange booty shorts."

"With all due respect....why, now that you mention it, I don't think I know anyone else named Orenthal."

See? Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Now, with all due respect, stop reading this blog and go do something with your life.

A Groovy Kind of Inauguration

2009-01-13T12:43:00.002-05:00

Well, one of our favorite guest bloggers, Phil Collins, is back today with some exciting news: he'll be performing in Washington, D.C. at an exclusive post-Inaugural party! We're always excited to have Mr. Collins contribute, so with a little preview into what we can expect next week, here he is:

Allright, I'll come right out with it: I'm pissed off and I needed an outlet. It all started two days ago. I got up and went through my normal morning ritual: eating Hot Pockets and scouring my videos on YouTube to look for positive comments.

Everything was going fine for awhile. I'm happy to report that my YouTube fan base is as strong as ever. But when I got to Groovy Kind of Love, I found something that made me spit out the Mountain Dew I was chugging. Commenter nat731 left this little gem:

"Phill Collins sux"

First of all, learn how to spell my name. It's Phil Collins. What planet are you on, brother, where Phils spell their name with two L's? No place I'd like to be, that's for sure.

Secondly, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? The comments section on my YouTube videos are gathering places for my fans to shower adulation upon me. The highlight of my day is rolling out of bed at 1:45, cracking open a bag of Fritos, and stroking off to nice things people say about me on a video-sharing site. It's instant gratification. There's no better chub than the one you get when some 42 year old woman tells you that Invisible Touch was her senior class song. Look, I haven't had a hit in close to 20 years. The only things I have to look forward to are royalty checks, YouTube comments, and writing for this blog. Why would you go and ruin that for me?

This era of near-anonymous Internet slandering has to come to an end. I think I may have done my part to quell this cowardly uprising. I did a little research, and it turns out our friend nat731 is actually 17 year old Nathan Morehouse of 112 Oakwood Lane in Worcester, Massachusetts. Nathan has a 3.7 GPA and is in the Key Club. Some of his interests include hockey, the show Lost, and Nintendo Wii.

Time to add another hobby to your list, Nate: getting harassed by Phil Collins.

I took a little trip to Nathan's high school where I accidentally dropped a dime bag of weed into his locker. Oopsie! Good luck next time you get an unannounced visit from the drug-sniffing dogs, Chachi. Then, after visiting some tech-savvy friends, I was already able to upload a myriad of computer viruses to his parents' PC. I even sent one to his Dad's work laptop that plays a video of two gay dudes doing it every time you open Microsoft Word. I wonder what his boss will think at the next board meeting, when Mr. Morehouse cracks open his laptop to reveal the sounds of pole gobblers reverberating throughout the conference room.

It also happens that Nate has a 6 year old sister, Jennifer. Jennifer just started elementary school this past year. Wonder how Nathan will feel when Jennifer's elementary school principal finds that dime bag of weed I planted in her Dora the Explorer lunch box!

Making Nathan and his family suffer is not enough, however. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I have placed a $5,000 bounty on the head of Nathan Morehouse. Take him out. If you can hit him with your car, do it. We must make a statement, and that statement is this - random YouTube commenters should not be allowed to shit on celebrities who have a lot of fans. You're cheating the celebrity, the fans, and most of all, yourself. Nathan, after I teach you a lesson, I suggest you log onto YouTube and tell me how much Sussudio changed your life.

To recap: anyone who brings me Nathan Morehouse gets a cool 5 G's. Thank you for your time.

Oh, and I made up that thing about me performing at the inauguration.

Asshole Monkey Begins

2009-01-13T08:56:00.004-05:00

From 2006:

ChristBlog: The Virtue of Forgiveness

2009-01-12T10:48:00.008-05:00

From time to time, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ likes to check in and dispense some heavenly wisdom onto all of us mortals. In today's ChristBlog, J.C. writes about a quality that seems lost in society today: forgiveness. He reminds us that letting go of petty grudges allows us to feel a sense of inner peace and happiness. Take it away, Jesus:

Greetings, my sons. You know, it is easy to cry foul when one has been wronged. It is easy to vow revenge. It is easy to let spite consume one's soul. But ultimately, is it healthy? How does it benefit you? At the end of the day, you are left with your vengeance, but the anger you feel has not subsided. I urge all of you, the next time you are feeling slighted or insulted, to give forgiveness a chance. It is the enlightened soul who can look upon his wayward brother and bestow his forgiveness upon him. You will walk away with a cleansed mind, body, and soul, and will be all the stronger for it.

I was overlooking a Comic Con in upstate New York this past weekend. Several of my sons, dressed in long, black trenchcoats and thick glasses, were gathered at a Sbarros outside the convention center, debating on the merit of various characters from the Star Wars universe. It displeased my ear to hear the disparaging remarks of one individual when he said, "I know I would never trust that wretched turncoat [Lando] Calrissian."

He is speaking, of course, of Lando Calrissian's betrayal of Han Solo and Leia Organa in The Empire Strikes Back. This is a good example of someone who has not learned how to forgive. Maybe it feels good for this young man to hold onto his anger, but it is getting him nowhere. By harboring this awful hatred in his heart, he is poisoning his soul. He needs to accept the fact that an injustice has occurred, forgive Lando, and move on.

Besides, you could argue that Lando didn't really betray anyone. I mean, Vader shows up at his door, with a shitload of storm troopers and Boba Fett in tow, and he's supposed to turn them away? No chance. How can you be angry with him? He couldn't risk the safety of Cloud City. Plus there's no way the Empire would have spared his life. According to the original parameters of the deal Lando struck with Vader, Han, Chewie, and Leia were just bait for Luke Skywalker. Now, I understand he was boning Luke on this one, but Lando didn't know Luke from Adam at this point. Luke was just a name. No offense or anything, but if you can't understand that, I'm beginning to think you're just some dunce who doesn't know his Star Wars.

Lando wasn't doing this for profit; he was clearly being forced. The Empire had its hold on the entire galaxy. You can't hate on the man for falling under their grip. Seriously, random nerd who may get a lightning bolt up his ass later today: you need to chill and accept the fact that Lando was a decent guy.

Think about this for a second: what happened when Vader altered the deal, my greasy-haired, acne-having friend? Lando took action. He got Chewie and the princess out of there safe, and he did his best to save Han. Really, if you don't see that Lando was just doing his best under trying circumstances, then you're just a cold-hearted prick. Oh, okay, little man, I get it: he should have stuck to his guns and told Vader to fuck off. Well, I'd like to see you be so bold when the most fearsome man in the galaxy come knocking at your doorstep. Or, excuse me, your mother's doorstep. 'Cause God knows you haven't moved out of your parents' house, you limp-dick-having virgin.

If you thought that was offensive, though, this huge dork went onto say that Admiral Ackbar putting Calrissian in charge of the assault on the Death Star was a "questionable tactical decision." Bullshit! I just about spit all my wine back into my goblet. I oughta make an army of gorillas come to his job and attack him. Your argument holds up until you realize that the assault was successful! You're questioning a move that was already proven to work. I couldn't believe it. Say what you want about Lando, but his credentials are unquestionable. Who are you going to put in charge? Wedge? Wedge?!?! Really?!? Last time I checked, Wedge was nothing but a fighter pilot. A damn good one, but a just fighter pilot. He never led an army into battle. Check Lando's resume: the Battle of Tanaab didn't win itself, fagtron.

After he was done verbally assaulting Lando, no doubt because he was black, he left his garbage-filled tray at his table as he exited Sbarros. I should have known this buttplug would litter. Fits with the rest of his personality. Man, I realize that some fast food restaurants don't mind if you leave your stuff on the table, but come on. The trash can is right there.

Whatever. Enjoy that piano that falls on your head next week, you piece of shit.

(I Almost Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight, Musta Been the Hardwood Floor

2009-01-11T22:40:00.005-05:00

I'm at a party Saturday night with some friends. As it was winding down, a friend of mine passed out, fell backwards, and hit his head on a hardwood floor. Everyone's first inclination is to smile and point at the goofball who hit the deck. After all, one of the funniest things in life is when someone else falls down. So everybody had a good laugh...until we noticed the pool of blood gathering behind his head.

So, all in all.....a pretty good little weekend was had by all!

Right away, everybody sprang to action. 9-1-1 was called. Pressure was put on the wound. He was okay, but it was pretty scary. I was freaking out. When we realized he was bleeding, I got behind him and held onto him while two other people stayed on either side of him. It was absolutely surreal, and the kind of situation you never really prepare for. There I was, holding onto one of my best friends while blood gushed from the back of his head.

It was like the end of Lethal Weapon 2, except with wood paneling.

I held him steady, but I was a wreck. I was crying like a bitch and hyperventilating at the same time. I was also shaking the shit out of him, trying to get a response. This was Clue #1 that I'm not a trained EMT. I don't know how much of the Paramedic School curriculum deals with not shaking the shit out of people when you show up to save them, but I imagine they cover it within the first couple of days.

When the paramedics showed up, I was still pretty messed up about it. One of my buddies came up to me and said, "Don't worry man, everything's going to be okay. He'll just need some staples in his head."

I'm pretty sure that if you're head requires stapling, you're the opposite of okay. It doesn't really matter what led to that point. Whatever life choices have led you to this head-stapling lifestyle, you might need to change things up a bit. Think about it: no one has ever said, "Everything will be just fine as soon as we insert some metal into his skull."

I'm no doctor, but you're dealing with a serious medical problem if the remedy includes office supplies. I can't imagine looking at a patient and saying, "I don't see anything to worry about here. Nothing that a couple of paperclips to the noggin can't cure." I'm not trying to make light of anyone getting their head stapled, and I'm glad my boy is okay now. All I'm saying is it sucks that he'll have to get his prescription filled at Office Depot.

It could have been worse I guess. If his head was split all the way open, they would have had to collate his brains.

Like I said, he was okay. He left the ER a couple hours later with a big cut and a small headache. But seeing one of my best friends, lying in my arms and bleeding profusely, was a serious shock to my system. So many things run through your head. It really makes you think about your life. I realized something important that night. I realized just how eye-opening an experience this could be.

Seeing one of my best friends with his head cracked open makes me realize just how lucky I am not to be the one who got his head cracked open.

Seriously, how bad would that suck? Your clothes are going to be all bloody. You're going to wake up the next morning hating the world with a horrible pains in your head. Worst of all, you'll have to get treated for wounds at OfficeMax. All in all, if I was going to choose one person to get his head cracked open, and I had to choose between me and someone else, I can say with certainty that I would choose the other guy.