Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Spock Argues His Way Out of a DUI

NEW YORK - First Officer of the USS Enterprise and Starfleet Commander Spock, utilizing stone cold logic and airtight reasoning, successfully argued his way out of a DUI early Sunday morning.

"I am fine, Officer," slurred the clearly inebriated Vulcan to the state trooper who pulled him over. "If I was truly inebriated, my breath would smell like alcohol, and not the pennies and orange Tic Tacs that my breath currently reeks of."

"I guess that's true," said trooper Steve Lewis.

Officer Lewis pulled Spock over for executing what he referred to as a rolling stop.

"You see, Officer, while I may not have appeared to stop, I surveyed the situation, made the most brief of stops, and continued making the right turn," stuttered Spock. "From your vantage point, it would be impossible to ascertain whether or not my vehicle was completely at rest."

Lewis briefly considered taking Spock in after he blew a .13 on the breathalyzer, nearly twice the legal limit. But Spock had an answer for that as well:

"Clearly, that is a breathalyzer made in what you humans refer to as 'Europe.' I can tell by the design. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the met....the met...the metric, ugh....okay watch out I'm going to vomit.....no wait, never mind. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the metric system, and given my calcuations, a .13 BAC converted to the standard American numerical rate would come out to about .04, well below the legal limit."

"Oh," stammered the dimwitted officer. "Well, when you put it that way...."

Lewis, a rookie on the force, proceeded to call for back up. While he awaited the other officers to arrive, he reported that Spock relieved himself in a nearby bush and texted Uhura.

"I'm really fine, Officer." said Spock, stumbling back towards Lewis. "Man, you are such a good guy, but really, I am fine. If I was messed up, I would start inverting my sentences, saying things like, 'Messed up I am.' That is what us aliens do."

"That was Yoda!" said Lewis.

"Ah yes, Yoda. You want his autograph? I can definitely get it for you."

When the other officers arrived on the scene, they too fell pray to Spock's incredibly persuasive and sound arguing style. After giving a ten minute speech, incorporating the laws of physics, thermodynamics, and the 70's sitcom Good Times, he convinced all of the reporting officers that it was Officer Lewis who had been drunk and swerving, and he had just observed Spock driving straight.

"In a way, I'm glad he pulled me over, as it got him off the road. Driving like that can be very dangerous, my young Padawan."

After all the officers nodded and thanked Spock, the Vulcan proceeded to fall asleep in a nearby ditch.

No comments: