Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu and You

As the United States prepares for a potential swine flu epidemic, I thought it would be a good idea if I got a swine expert to give us tips on avoiding the swine flu. So, here with some ideas on how to stay out of this disease's deadly grasp is Understated Stupidity's resident swine expert, Kermit the Frog:

Hello there, everyone! The US seems to be all abuzz over this swine flu outbreak. As someone who knows from experience, I can tell you that swine flu is no afternoon picnic. Hopefully, I can give you some expert advice on how to deal with this horrible disease.

First piece of advice: when you're 17, and you think you've got the world by the balls, don't run away from home to marry a pig and join show business. The best way to ensure you don't get swine flu is to not throw away all your hopes and dreams to follow through on your drunkenly made plans with some warthog with a bow on her head. The more sober you get, the worse she looks, and the more you realize her voice has got a pretty deep bass. If I closed my eyes and listened to her, I'd tell you she was a dude.

Another tip to not getting swine flu that the doctors haven't revealed to the public: if you're Dad, who's a dentist, and he wants you to go to college, and then follow his footsteps into dental school.....GO TO DENTAL SCHOOL. It's the sure thing, and he says it's a good idea for a reason. Definitely don't marry the first piece of bacon to give it up to you because you think she's the only one you'll ever get.

If you do get the swine flu, I'm the best person to tell you how to deal with it, because I deal with it on a daily basis. One of the symptoms is I have to look at the litter of half-frog, half-pigs we created together every day for the rest of my goddamn life. You know, you think it's going to be nothing serious, then she tells you that her father is a powerful pig-scientist who dropped $3 billion to figure out a way to arrange inter-species pregnancy. Once you hear that, you begin to realize that you're locked in, and the swine flu has consumed your soul.

Here's another health tip for you about dealing with the swine flu: don't go out drinking with your friends then call your wife expecting a ride, because apparently being a pig gives her license to act like a huge bitch. Gonzo and Fonzie had to call me a cab and wait for like an hour for it to show up.

The Center of Disease Control hasn't dropped this bit of knowledge on you, but one way to ease the pain brought on by swine flu is to slip out of bed at 3AM. Get in your car, and drive to Burger King. Get a bacon double cheeseburger. Eat all the bacon, save for one strip. Bring it home, and put it in your wife's purse so she'll see it on her way to work tomorrow. It also helps to drink lots of hard liquor before doing any of this.

All in all, the swine flu is a deadly pox and you need to be constantly vigilant or it will get you, too. Best way to steer clear of it is to not marry a domineering, overbearing piece of glorified pulled pork. Stick with a different animal who will let you get a word in edgewise. Otherwise you'll be like me, going downstairs to my basement with a bottle of bourbon every night to watch The Muppet Movie and cry myself to sleep. It's pathetic. The other night I drunk dialed Charles Grodin 17 times to see what he was doing. He didn't pick up once.

Yeah, I've had a couple of Frog Island Iced Teas before I wrote this blog, what of it?

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