Thursday, April 30, 2009

The First 100 Days

Barack Obama plans to address the nation regarding the progress he's made in his first 100 days in office. Luckily, one of my Washington spies got his hands on a copy of President Obama's speech. So here it is, the President's remarks, including notes from his aide in italics:

My fellow Americans, it's been only 100 days since hope and change have come to Washington, D.C., and let me tell you, I have made a lot of progress. My detractors yelled and screamed. They hooted and hollered. They fricassed and flambeed. But ultimately, their complaints fall on deaf ears. If you want a tangible sign of progress, check out the air hockey table I just finished putting together in our White House game room.

The air hockey table - that I built myself - is one big mother. I bought it for myself as a gift for winning the presidency. And it is just an absolute beaut. You've got pucks made of solid gold, platinum lining on the edges of the mini-rink, and eucalyptus-scented flavoring lining all the airholes. Wafting eucalyptus really lends an air of peacefulness and relaxation to the proceedings. Sure, the whole thing was expensive, but it's not like it's my money.

Many of you are still concerned about the economy. Let me tell you one person who isn't: me. Because I am cleaning up in this midnight games we've been having. Biden, Gibbs, Geithner, Sebelius, doesn't matter. I take it home every time. We even started a 16-man air hockey league where we run four games a night. We're gearing up for the playoffs right now. I mean, we still have about ten regular season games left, but I've locked up the number one seed so I'm just BSing through the games, not taking it serious. Sometimes I'll switch hands mid-game. I have a match-up with Geithner today at 1:45. Ultimately, I know I'm going to win the championship, but Geithner is the only one who makes me worry. He's an absolute master at using the angles; he's the very definition of methodical. Meanwhile, Gibbs as a six seed scares me because while he's not fundamentally sound, he really hustles, plus he is the master of talking trash. Last time he said some stuff about Michelle that would make Rahm Emanuel blush. Biden, I am not concerned about. Biden is an absolute fish.

I understand that my critics will make their voices heard about this. They'll do their research, and they will undoubtedly discover that while this particular air hockey table came with an electronic scoreboard that could be mounted over the table, I neglected to install said scoreboard. I'm sure the GOP will chalk this up to laziness, carelessness, or the fact that Barack Obama does not live up to his promises. But look at it this way, America: the scoreboard only tallies the score to 7. After that, the game automatically ends, in the scoreboard's mind. Who still plays games to 7? Frankly, every single one of our games - the league sanctioned ones, anyway - have been played to 21, winner must win by 2. And let me tell you my friends (beat podium emphatically) Barack Obama knows how to count to 21 without the help of a robot scoreboard, and if he didn't, you wouldn't have elected him president of this great nation! (Pause here for applause) Now, if it's get past 21, it gets a little tricky, but I can assure you that I won't be playing any games past 21. I am the President, and I have a job to do, so I can't spend hours wasting away on an air hockey table when the country needs me. Barring overtime, of course.

You're probably thinking: Barack, shouldn't you be more worried about the war in Iraq? Well friends, let me tell you that my cabinet and I have gotten into some pretty intense matches, and they make the war in Iraq look like that scene at the end of Fellowship of the Ring where all the hobbits go gay and jump on that bed together.

To any of you who are angered by this: I invite you (dramatically pause, arch eyebrow, and tear shirt off) to come watch your boy do some crunches.

(Spend the next five minutes doing crunches while the crowd cheers and counts them out for you)

Look at this stomach, huh? Those are some tight abs, and also your boy has a great ass. Where were we? Oh right. The issue of investigating Bush administration officials for possible torture allegations. All I know about torture is that whenever Hillary Clinton decides to bring her sorry ass game down to the White House recreation center, she's going to get tortured on the air hockey table. Believe that. She'll be begging to be waterboarded when I'm done with her. That's all I have to say about the issue of torture at this time.

I think that's about all I wanted to cover. I gotta split, I have to go watch some game film on Agricultural Secretary Tom Vilsack. I've got him in the first round. He only finished six games over .500, but I think he's going to bounce back strong in the postseason. Oh man, I know I'm forgetting something. Let me think.....nope, that was it. Good night.

Oh, that's right - don't eat any ham from Mexico. Drive home safe.

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