Friday, April 24, 2009

An Earth Day Message

April 22 was Earth Day, so in order to commemorate this day of environmental awareness, I've enlisted the help of one of the world's leading environmental activists, the Lorax. Take it away, Lorax:

Once upon a time, a ravishingly handsome and intelligent being said, "I speak for the trees, which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please." That was me. And I still believe it. I still believe that we must save the environment.

But I gotta come clean. Last week, I traded in my Prius for a Hummer.

That's right, everybody. The same high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou Lorax who waxed philosophical about saving the planet spent an exorbitant amount of money on a gas guzzling, environment ruining vehicle. I realize that this looks bad.

Before you criticize, let me explain. I make bank off speaking engagements. Just last week your boy got flown in on a private jet to do a corporate gig in Houston where I spoke to about 1,500 branch managers for a major retailer. So I've got a substantial amount of play money to throw around, okay? I've got some serious jack. So the Lorax isn't going to waste all that cheddar and let it sit in a bank. That's not something the Lorax would do. Lorax earned it, and now Lorax is going to spend it. I would give some of it to my kids, except for the fact that I can't have kids, because Loraxes have no working genitalia. It's there, but it has no function. It's like a glorified hood ornament.

The bottom line is that when a Lorax is hungry, a Lorax gotta eat.

I really dug what the Prius represented when you talk about global accountability. But as soon as the salesman down at the dealership let me test drive the H3T, I felt like a king in his throne, glowering down upon all his lowly subjects. I'm a little guy. Always have been. Even though I'm famous, I still get treated with disrespect out in society. I took my girlfriend to Morton's last week. Booked reservations two weeks in advance. We go to sit down, and the hostess asks us me if I want a high chair. I immediately jumped up and bit her shin and just hung on 'til the authorities showed up.

You have no idea how much the Lorax has to compensate to keep his edge. I'm big enough of a Lorax to admit that I have a Napoleonic complex going on. Look at me; my moustache is half my size. Activism and public speaking are cutthroat industries. I have to stay sharp and on top of my game. I cannot afford to look weak. What are my competitors going to think if they see me driving around in some tiny little hybrid? With the Hummer, I feel complete. I can sit up high, and when I drive around I pretend like all the other cars are ants. I could run over them if I want, but since I'm a gracious Lord and ruler, I'll allow them to live.

It's a powerful fantasy, and I'll be damned if sitting in that driver's seat doesn't make me feel energized every time. The effect it has had on my love life has been amazing, as well. It's no secret that females flock to nice vehicles. And while it may be true that I speak for the trees, I also got bitches to please, nawwhatimsayin? I feel like a new man with this car. I haven't had to take Lorax-Viagra in over six months. If you don't believe that a man's car has that big an effect on what girl he ends up with, consider this: right now I'm dating a swimsuit model. Before I got the Hummer, the last girl I hooked up with was the Syracuse Orangeman's wife. In case you're wondering, she looks exactly like her husband, only with a bow on her head.

Besides, there are a lot of reasons why Hummers are actually good for the environment. For one thing - what if a bunch of developers are knocking down some trees in the rain forest? What better vehicle to run them over with than a Hummer? Or how about you've got the world's last dying bald eagle in your front seat, and you're in New York City during rush hour, and you need to bash your way through traffic on the GW bridge to get to the bird hospital? I think the Hummer is eco-friendly in that circumstance, wouldn't you agree? One other way it could be good for the environment: what if the Lorax runs into an old enemy of his, who used to make fun of him back in the day? What if I want to run over his car like a monster truck? I'll be ill-equipped to do such a thing with anything but a Hummer.

In closing, I'd like to say to all of you naysayers crying hypocrisy: grow up. This is not a world of black and white; we all deal in shades of grey. I realize the paradox I represent. One day I may be on Joe Scarborough to warn about the dangers of global warming; the next I may be driving my Hummer in reverse going the wrong way on I-95 just to see all the other people of average height cower in fear as they get out of my way.

I am a big man, okay?!?

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