Tuesday, April 21, 2009

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

It's now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series "But Could He Beat Chewbacca?" in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.

SOMALI PIRATES
STRENGTHS: Ruthless criminals who will kill, maim, and torture the innocent in order to achieve their end goal of stealing what doesn't belong to them.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: The Somali pirates wait around for an hour on their boat, but Chewie doesn't show. Finally, right before they leave, Chewie, Luke, Han and Lando show up on a dinghy wearing tri-cornered hats and eyepatches. Chewie boards the pirate ship clutching a can. "Not sure if you pirates will want to fight me....after I eat this spinach!" Chewie then downs the entire can of spinach in one gulp. All the pirates look confused.

"Spinach!" yells Chewie. "Popeye? Spinach makes you stronger? Nothing? You should be really afraid right now!" This just confuses the pirates further, as they have no prior knowledge of the concept of Popeye. Exasperated, Chewie throws his hands up in disgust. "These guys don't have any respect for American culture. Allright, let's make this quick." Chewie then whoops all the pirates and afterwards goes fishing for sharks using them as bait. Throughout the entire ordeal, he listens to Hulk Hogan's old 80's entrance music on his IPod.

HORSEBACK RIDING
STRENGTHS: As Madonna proved this past weekend, it's pretty easy to get donked off the horse's back if it gets spooked.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie, taught by his instructor Greedo, does really well for the first two days, but falters on the third when he forgets himself and tries to attack and eat the horse. This is yet another reminder to Han and Luke that while Chewie is their friend, he's still a wild beast.

OVERCOMING NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES
STRENGTHS: Unfortunately, every race or group has some stereotype they need to overcome.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After many years of combatting small-mindedness, Chewie is able to prove to that Wookies can golf, which he thought had been a prevailing stereotype. Unfortunately, no one really knew whether or not Wookies could golf, but a few months back Han and Luke decided to play a prank on Chewie and tell him that everybody thought that they couldn't.

RESPONDING TO INTERNET HATERS
STRENGTHS: Because it can be done anonymously, Internet commenting on videos, articles, or blogs can be done without fear of retribution.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After posting a video of him and Han singing at a talent show, the commenters flood the video with negative comments telling Chewbacca how much he sucks. Rather than be childish and respond, Chewbacca takes the high route, which to him is plugging R2 into the computer to find out the location of all the commenters and then tracking them all down and beating them. When Han asks him how doing this constitutes "the high road," Chewbacca shrugs and goes back to watching videos of skateboarders getting pwned by the pavement.

REPLACING HIS CROSSBOW
STRENGTHS: Anyone who knows Chewbacca knows that his favorite weapon is his trusty crossbow. If anything happened to it, he would be devastated.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: When backing out of his driveway on the way to work, Chewbacca accidently runs over his crossbow, which one of his kids left there while playing with it. After holding it in his hands for ten good minutes while his family looks on in silence, Chewbacca goes back to his room to build a newer, better cross bow. Unfortunately he comes out with a giant rubber band hanging off a broom, which his enemies don't even realize is a weapon.

NOT GETTING FREAKED OUT BY ALF
STRENGTHS: Although very few know about it, Chewie grew up with a paralyzing fear of beloved TV character ALF.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Chewie sit on the set of the Maury Povich show, on an episode dedicated to unusual fears. "Chewie, you can't stand the sight of ALF, is that correct?" asks Maury.

"That's right, Maury. Whenever I see him on TV, I get nauseous. And whenever they had the midget get in the suit and walk around like ALF wasn't a puppet, I got so creeped out I threw up."

"Okay, well today we're going to help you get over your fear. We're going to put you in a sensory deprivation chamber, playing nothing but the show ALF until you're not afraid. See you in two hours."

Two hours later, after Han and Maury have gone over numerous paternity tests, Chewie emerges from the chamber.

"Yeah, well, I think I'm cured," says Chewie, rubbing his eyes. "I'm not afraid anymore, but I finally realized that show sucked."

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