Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Unnecessary Analysis: Who Would Win if Danny Tanner Fought Carl Winslow

Carl Winslow and Danny Tanner. Two names synonymous with excellent parenting and mid-90's situation comedy. Caring and sensitive, but at the same time, masculine. Rugged. Not afraid to get their hands dirty if Eddie and Waldo were getting roughed up by pool sharks, or if Kimmy Gibbler was being a giant bitch to Stephanie. These two tenacious family men were the Gehrig and Ruth of 90's television fatherhood.

But who would win if they got in a fight?

That's what we came here to ask today, and that's what we're going to find out. If a situation arose where Carl Winslow and Danny Tanner somehow started fighting, who would win, and why? First, the tale of the tape:

SIZE: Tanner stands about six-four, I'd say he's about 160 pounds or so. Winslow's a stocky five-seven while clocking in at a bulky 225. What you've got is a spry, lanky white dude taking on a stout, compact brother. Danny's got the reach on him, but this would be like a broom stick versus a bowling bowl.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow

STYLE: Winslow's a trained cop, so I'd say he's got some decent self defense moves. On the other hand, I think I remember an episode where Danny took karate or something like that. Either way, Winslow's morbid obesity cancels out any formal training.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner

WEAPON OF CHOICE: Winslow used a gun. Based on Danny's repressed, passive aggressive nature, I could see him using a blunt object like a candelabra or bust of Beethoven to absolutely go to town on someone. It would be one of those things where he takes out harbored aggression he has toward his Dad's expectations of him out on whoever he's beating. Formidable for sure. However, you can't stop a bullet.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow's 9

STRATEGY: Since we never saw either of them in a real fight, let's judge them based on how they dealt with two neighborhood pests. Winslow's hasty requests for Urkel to "Go Home, Steve" reveal an impatient bruiser who refuses to relent until his opponent is hammered into submission. Think Foreman in his prime. However, Danny's annoyed yet cool handling of Kimmy Gibbler shows a calculating tactician. He never kicked her out directly; he always waited until just the right moment to get her trifling ass out of there. He's a man unafraid to wait out the storm. He's calm and collected under pressure, refusing to let an onslaught of brute strength rattle his cage. I see him being quicker than anyone out there.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner

WARDROBE: Tanner wears a pair of 80's nutters with a Magic Johnson jersey. Carl wears a bathing suit that represents one of the few pairs of shorts he can actually squeeze his fat ass into. Also, he wears a tank top to cover up his man-boobs.
ADVANTAGE: Tanner (due to lack of man-boobs)

RINGSIDE POSSE/INTIMIDATION FACTOR: Danny comes to the ring with Joey and Jesse. During the introductions, Joey grabs the mic and launches into a horrible Bullwinkle impression, during which Jesse has to grab him by the nose and say, "Would ya stop it, huh Joseph?!?" in that high-pitched voice he sometime used when condescending to Joey. Carl, on the other hand, saunters down to the ring with Urkel, Eddie, and the Grandma, who was probably the most intimidating character on the show. You know, based on the fact that she looked like a condensed Bubba Smith.
ADVANTAGE: Winslow

So who wins? I see it going down like this: Carl wears on Danny for the first 7 or 8 rounds. He's just killing him with shots to the body. Danny switches from lefty to right after the 8th round and catches Carl off guard. He even gets a couple knockdowns. After a particularly strong jab, Carl crashes to the mat, causing Urkel to grab Eddie and say, "THROW IN THE TOWEL EDDO!" The two corners clash as Grandma roundhouses Joey and calls him a jive turkey. Danny gets Carl in a chokehold that nearly drains him of all his energy. Based on Carl's fatigue, Danny's able to even it up on the judge's scorecard heading into the final round.

Knowing they need a knockout to win, both men pull out all the stops. Beaten and bloodied, they agree before the round begins to throw out all the conventional rules and make this a straight hardcore match. Chains, tables, chairs, ladders, nails, wood, whatever. Anything goes.

It goes back and forth for twenty minutes. For every move pulled off by one of the men, the other has an equally impressive response. For every folding chair Carl whacks Danny with, Danny has a pair of brass knucks to drag across Carl's face. For every pile of nails Danny throws Carl into, Carl has a kendo stick to break over Danny's back. Finally, Carl ties Danny to a Nicky and Alex's race car bed, which they brought into the ring for some reason, and wail Danny with his baton. As Carl goes to swing, Danny plants a boot right in his face, stunning the portly officer. Danny pulls out Stephanie's childhood stuffed animal, Mr. Bear, loads it with pennies, and beats Carl over the head until he can't answer the ten count. Danny wins.

Next month - who would win a Texas strap match: Kirk Cameron or Cody from Step By Step?

1 comment:

John said...

This is so wrong. I think it's a pretty easy call. Carl Winslow has Harriot Winslow on his side. She has a boxers face I would assume she has been in at least a brawl or two. With her guidance, know-how, and plain toughness I don't see Danny fuckin with Carl at all.