Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Yay Obama!

This has been a fun and event-filled week in the nation's capital. The election of Barack Obama has truly been a watershed moment in American history. Anytime a a majority of people, including incredibly knowledgeable celebrities, get behind one person and urge you to follow him blindly and without question, you know it's the right thing to do. No famous person has been more outspoken about Obama's rise to power than talk show host Oprah Winfrey. Lucky for me and I was able to score an interview with Oprah late last night:

MIKE: A truly great day for this country, eh? How excited are you, Oprah?

OPRAH: Very excited! I'm so glad that America stood up and recognized what was best for them. I know we had a rough patch in the last two elections, and I had lost faith in America's ability to choose. But they saw the light shown to them by actors and singers who are much more socially aware, and they followed that righteous path. They'll be better for it. We got done what needed to get done, baby! Barack is the president, and before long we'll all be farting rainbows!

MIKE: The biggest theme of Barack Obama's campaign has been about change. Can you explain how you believe that will manifest itself in specific instances?

OPRAH: Certainly. I believe Barack will usher in an era of hope. Hope that can uplift. Hope that can inspire. Hope the likes of which we have never seen in this country. Hope that will crush the will of anyone who opposes the all-mighty Barack.

MIKE: Okay...You just made a bunch of vague, blanket statements about hope that mean next to nothing.

OPRAH: It's important to remember that hope is a good thing, Mike. And no good thing ever dies.

MIKE: You stole that line from Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.

OPRAH: I'm not familiar with that picture, although I heard Morgan was in it, and I'm sure he was excellent.

MIKE: Forget about hope. Can you cite a specific policy that Barack Obama plans to enact?

OPRAH: Policy? You think this election is about policy? It's about hope. It's about change. And it's about electing a man who could one day possibly be played by Chiwetel Ejiofor in a movie. Have you seen that man act? He's excellent.

MIKE: I always saw him playing Lionel Richie, until I realized no one would go see a movie about Lionel Richie.

OPRAH: Well, I think he gives off a very presidential vibe that will one day show itself in the Obama biopic, which I plan to produce after President Obama's fifth term.

MIKE: Oprah....presidents can only serve two terms.

OPRAH: That's correct for now, yes.

MIKE: I happened to catch a few minutes of the Neighborhood Ball on ABC last night. With its countless entertainers, extravagant wardrobes, and lavish designs, as an event it seemed a tad disingenuous what with the fragile state of today's economy. What do you say to those who chalk this up as another example of Barack Obama's elitist tendencies?

OPRAH: I talked to Barack about this last night while we were being fitted for mink coats, and he would never want anyone to think he's an elitist. The very idea of anyone thinking that bothered him throughout his entire champagne bath. He told me that during his morning wipe-down, he kept asking his man servant, Jerome, if he thought he came off as snobby. Whenever Jerome paused to fetch a fresh baby wipe from the dispenser, he would be sure to say, "Mr. President, you relate to the common man. Everyone in your personal orchestra that you've hired to play Superstitious every morning agrees with me." It took me a half hour to convince him that he comes off as humble and unassuming. We had a big laugh about it over our dodo egg omelets.

MIKE: Wait a second....you ate dodo eggs? I thought the dodo bird was extinct! You're telling me there are still dodo birds alive? How can I see one?

OPRAH: Well, I'm going to have to barf it back up, 'cause they're all gone now.

MIKE: Oh. Well, this has been enlightening. Let me close this interview by saying that even though I disagree with much of what he says, I wish nothing but the best for President Barack Hussein Obama.

OPRAH: What? Hussein? Why did you say that?

MIKE: Um, that's his middle name.

OPRAH: WHAT?!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? SWEET CHRIST, THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING! HE'S A TERRORIST, HE HAS TO BE! HUSSEIN? AS IN "SADDAM HUSSEIN?!?!!?"

MIKE: Oprah, that's ridiculous, of course he isn't a -

OPRAH: HE IS! I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! THE EVIDENCE LINKING HIM AND SADDAM IS INCONTROVERTIBLE! HOW DID EVERYBODY MISS THE BOAT ON THIS ONE?!? MIGHT AS WELL PACK UP AND MOVE TO CANADA.

MIKE: Oprah, it's just a coincidence. And it's just a name.

OPRAH: Dear God, are we in trouble. Wow. I have to apologize to America. I've made a grave error. God, I can't believe I supported someone who was in cahoots with Saddam Hussein. I am such a sanctimonious tub of goo.

MIKE: Hey, you said that, not me.

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