Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Why Are Bjork and Julius Peppers in Drag Driving A Cab?

I went to an open mic at a bar last night, and I saw a flyer outside the bathroom for a free late night cab service during the holidays. It was like any other flyer except for the fact that it had a picture of Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon from Taxi on it.

Let me say this: if I'm drunk and I call a cab at 2 AM and Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah are driving it, you might as well call up Huey and Louie, because you know what's coming up for your boy later that night.

Whoever came up with this flyer, congratulations: you have now motivated people to drive drunk. Associating the sheer suckitude of that movie with your cab service will assuredly force the intoxicated behind the wheel of a car rather than catch any cab possibly associated with that movie. Hell, if anyone supported drunk driving, they could use this in their ads: Next time you're thinking about calling for a ride, remember: are you the kind of person who'd be down with Fallon and Latifah? An ad telling you to get a DD featuring Jimmy Fallon might as well say, "Go have eight shots of Jaeger and drive home. You'll make it, buddy."

Hopefully this was the only one of its kind. More of these atrocities means more DUIs. And you would have had more and more drunk drivers trying to get out of it by saying they couldn't bear to get in a cab that might have anything Taxi-related in it. Call it the Latifah Defense.

I know there aren't a lot of Taxi-related movies out there, but there's got to be something better. Taxi is the absolute worst movie about taxis of all time. What about using John Travolta's character from Look Who's Talking? He drove a cab. Use him. Use anyone. You'd be better off slapping a picture of Travis Bickle on all your cars with a sign saying "If you undertip, our cabbie will rape you."

Keep in mind, I've never even seen the movie. But I'm sure it sucks. All I need to know is that Jimmy Fallon plays a cop. I know it's a movie, but Lord of the Rings is more believable than this scenario. Because it's such a stretch for him, you have to wonder if Jimmy rode along with any real cops in preparation for the role. Probably not. Last guy you want at a drug bust is the guy who laughs at every fucking thing anyone says.

Just the fact that it combines Latifah with Fallon guarantees awfulness. That's a suckage-assured combo, isn't it? It doesn't matter what the situation is, if these two pop up in your movie, it will be awful. It could be directed by Scorsese and have DiCaprio and DeNiro in the supporting cast. Wouldn't matter. This applies to life situations as well as the movies. You could have a three-way set up between you and two supermodels, but if Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon are hanging around for some reason, you'd be smart to get the hell out of there.

In closing, do the right thing, Northern Virginia bars: ban the likenesses of Fallon and Latifah, period. I know it's going to be tough hiding all your Set It Off memorabilia, but sacrifices must be made. It's in the name of sober driving.

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