Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Inaugural Address

Well, I don't know how I pulled this one off....but I've gotten a copy of Barack Obama's inaugural speech. A friend of mine leaked it to me, and I wouldn't be doing my job as a blogger if I didn't post it here for all to see. So, before he says it next Tuesday, I present to you Barack Obama's inaugural address.

My fellow Americans, we are at the dawn of a new era in this country. An era of hope. An era of change. And an era in which everyone will get a boner over every move I make.

That's right America: I pretty much have a mandate to do anything I want. I'm not even talking politically. I'm talking about anything. I'm planning a heist for later this afternoon. You can quote me on this one: Barack Obama will act as though he's above the law, and the mass media will smile while I do it. If you challenge me, my minions will slap you down while I look on, as affable as ever.

I hope you share in my frustration over these pesky confirmation hearings that we're having for all my cabinet nominees. America voted for change. What they didn't vote for are confirmation hearings. Let's bypass the formalities. In fact, now I feel like showing off my power just to prove my superiority. I didn't want to do this, but you forced me into it: as my Secretary of Agriculture, I nominate O.J. Simpson. That's right, I have nominated Orenthal James Simpson, NFL Hall of Fame member and murderer, to tell me what kind of crops we should grow. I know I previously nominated former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, who is a worthy choice. But I have to prove a point.

Some have questioned my choice of Leon Panetta as new head of the CIA, due to the fact that he has no experience in the world of intelligence. To them I say, he has been a consumer of intelligence. And by consumer of intelligence, I mean he's a big fan of 24. You know what? It doesn't matter. I do what I want. Do you want to question any of my decisions? Let's have a debate about it. In public. What's that? You don't want to do that? Aren't you a handsome, charming minority who's also an incredible public speaker? Oh wait, that's right. That would be me.

I wish the Republicans would take a cue from the media and accept everything I say as gospel. They all understand that I'm already one of the greatest presidents of all time, no matter what I accomplish in office. Anything I do or say will be spun to reflect this. I could oversee eight 9/11's and I'll still be up there with FDR. They get it. I've got free reign to do whatever I want because they know that I am what's best for this country. Nothing about my past, or the past of any person with my staff, should be called into question. Doing so is tantamount to treason.

Did you know that Benedict Arnold hated black people? You don't hate black people, do you, America? Then you will blindly follow anything I do or say, before I have proven myself.

You know what the official Inaugural song is going to be? Let's say, Endless Love....sung by the DMX and Christina Aguilera. I think I'd like to hear that. They'll perform it in a big tank of water, riding on the backs of dolphins. That sounds pretty cool. Guess what? That is going to happen because I said so. I'm going to sit there and watch the whole thing go on, smoking a cigar and eating a giant sandwich of Scooby Doo sandwich proportions. And you can't stop me, and if you try to, you will be ridiculed by Chris Matthews.

You want to solve racism? Simple solution: racism is now illegal. Problem solved. For years we've had a racial divide in this country, and I just solved it by simply stating that hating black people is against the law. If you make a joke about any racial stereotype, you will go to jail for five years. No one had the power to do that before, but I can. I know what you're thinking: you can't just say something is a law, Barack. Well, guess what: one of the new laws I plan to enact is that I can make laws valid by simply saying they are laws. Why? Because I'm Barack Obama, and no one's going to call me on it.

I leave you with this anecdote, America, to show you how this country is going to work over the next 4-8 years. The other night, I had a dream. It was a beautiful, majestic dream.You see in this dream, Balki and his Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers were aboard Air Force One with me, trying to convince me to buy life insurance from them. Once I agreed to buy it, they said, "Great!" and then jumped out of the plane. Then I woke up. Later on I told my staff about my dream. Then I commissioned Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot to come out of retirement and film my dream aboard Air Force One. I hired a film crew, wrote a script, everything. It was so successful that I decided to film an entirely new season of Perfect Strangers in the Oval Office, financing it with my leftover campaign funds. It's going to debut on FX in June. Sound criminal to you? Eat it. Keith Olbermann will be slobbering over that idea within minutes.

Yesterday, we celebrated the life of the great Dr. Martin Luther King. Today, I'd like to close with a quote from the man. "Sometimes, the world looks perfect....nothing to rearrange. Sometimes you get the feeling that you need some kind of change. No matter what the odds are this time, nothing’s going to stand in my way. This flame in my heart, and a long lost friend, gives every dark street a light at the end! Standing tall! On the wings of my dreams! Rise and fall, on the wings of my dreams! The rain and thunder....the wind and haze.....I’m bound for better days. It’s my life, and my dream, and nothing’s......NOTHING's.......going to stop me now."

Thank you, and instead of saying God Bless America, I will now say our country's new motto, which is "Barackalicious." Barackalicious, America.

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