Monday, January 5, 2009

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

It's now time again for the next installment in my award-winning series "But Could He Beat Chewbacca?", in which we speculate how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time.

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
STRENGTHS: Although never seen by human eyes, this legendary Scottish monster would surely be a ferocious opponent.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Han and Lando set up camp outside Loch Ness. Lando sets up the tent, while Han shivers from the cold.

"Where the fuck is Chewie?" says Han, putting on another parka.

"Don't know," says Lando as he tries to start a fire.

Out of nowhere, Chewie runs out of the forest, wearing nothing but orange floaties and a red bathing suit. He screams like a psycho as he does a cannonball into the water.

Han and Lando look on, speechless. After a ten minutes, Chewie emerges from the water, breathing heavy and holding a piano leg.

"He was asleep, so I just wailed on him with this thing," says Chewie.

"Oh man, that's like cheating," says Han. "That's horseshit. You didn't really beat him."

"Well, all I have to say," says Chewie, who opens the cooler and pulls out a beer, "is fuck him and fuck his grand piano, which now is short a leg."

HAMAS
STRENGTHS: One of the most powerful terrorist organizations in the Middle East.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie is cornered by several Hamas thugs. It looks like the jig is up for our boy, until they walk into a giant net. As they all see it, they realize that it's probably going to pull them off the ground and trap them. Only problem is, while picking up a people-trapping net at the store, Lando went with the generic one over the brand name to save a lousy couple of bucks. It malfunctions. Luckily, one of the Hamas guys has a cross bow, so Chewie jacks him and kills them all with the weapon he feels so natural using. Later, he breaks Lando's collarbone in retribution.

KARAOKE
STRENGTHS: Just about everybody tries it, and just about everybody embarrasses themselves at it.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Although he struggles with pitch control on Beat It and Bohemian Rhapsody, Chewie belts out a rendition of Annie Lennox's Walking on Broken Glass that leaves the entire bar in tears.

SUPPORTERS OF THE BCS
STRENGTHS: The heads of all the major conferences, mostly comprised of wealthy old men, support this system of determining college football's national champ, which is both unfair and unreliable.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: About ten old men in suits gather in a conference room around a table. Chewie enters, in a suit and glasses. Han and Lando follow. Han has a briefcase full of papers, and Lando holds a detached computer monitor. Chewie pours a glass of water, clears his throat and begins his pitch:

"Gentlemen, I spent all last night preparing a PowerPoint presentation. Unfortunately, I forgot to save and I lost the whole goddamn thing. So in a symbolic gesture to prove that computers cannot be effective judges of football teams, I'm going to bash the fuck out of this computer. And just so you know I mean business, I'm also going to show you a Youtube video of me beating up the kid behind the counter at Wendy's this morning as I stretch in preparation."

The conference presidents shift uncomfortably in their seats as they watch a video of Chewie climbing over the counter and pounding the kid in a Wendy's visor while Han, holding the camcorder, makes his way over to the Frostee machine and attempts to steal multiple Frostees.

BUILDING A BETTER MOUSETRAP
STRENGTHS:
Many have tried and failed to improve the mouse trap. It is seemingly impossible to perfect.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie lays in the middle of his kitchen, perfectly still, dressed like a piece of cheese. Han enters, flipping through his bills.

"What the fuck are you doing?" says Han.

"Lower your voice. You've got a mouse, and I'm going to catch him," croaks Chewie, in a voice that barely rises above a whisper.

"No you aren't," says Han, in a normal voice. "He's going to run away when he sees a big Wookie wearing a yellow shirt and yellow pants."

"He's going to think I'm the world's biggest hunk of Gouda," whispers Chewie.

"He will not think you're the world's biggest hunk of Gouda!" yells Han.

"He's going to think I'm Gouda, and I'm going to knock his lights out when he tries to eat me," says Chewie, picking up the billy club he has laid next to him.

Han walks away in exasperation. Chewie wakes up hours later covered in mouse shit.

HILLARY CLINTON
STRENGTHS: One of the most tenacious and conniving politicians of all time.
BUT COULD SHE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Luke and Lando sit outside a room. Lando reads a magazine, Luke sips on a Snapple. After a few moments, Chewbacca comes out, scratched, bloodied, and beaten. He holds a shredded pant suit. Without taking his eyes off the magazine, Lando hands him a Gatorade.

"How long has it been?" says Chewie, panting.

"Four hours," says Luke.

"Fuck me," says Chewie. "I think she tore my ACL. Allright, well we better get somebody in here to clean this up. Jesus, did she fight dirty." Chewie pauses and scratches his head. "Man, I can't say for sure, but I'm almost positive I saw a dick."

Lando looks up from his magazine and raises an eyebrow. "Was it big?"

Chewie's eyes go wide and he holds his hands about a foot apart. "A fuckin' hog, bro!"

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