Friday, December 5, 2008

Plaxico Speaks Out: 'Thank Goodness I Killed That Spider'

My name is Plaxico Burress. You may have heard a lot about me in the news recently. I have remained silent about everything...until now. The time has come for me to publicly address my situation. A lot has been said by the media since the events of last Saturday morning. All I can say is I'm very thankful I was able to kill that spider on my leg. I don't even want to think about what could have happened had he traveled any farther than he did.

Throughout my college and pro career, I've been known for several things - my lanky, 6-5 frame, my amazing athleticism, and a crippling case of arachnophobia. Growing up as a child, whenever I saw a spider nearby, I would shriek at the top of my lungs and run away, stripping off all my clothes as I went. At Michigan State, I actually wore a beekeeper's outfit to class to protect myself against the threat of them building webs under my desks. And Hines Ward's pet wolf spider was one of the main reasons I left Pittsburgh via free agency. Plus, I don't know if you've ever seen Bill Cowher's bare ass, but he's got a perfect tattoo of a tarantula playing the guitar on there. Gave me the jibblies.

This fear consumed my every waking moment. Every time I went to the restroom, I had to check the stall or urinal for spiders. At restaurants I inspected the kitchen before I would even sit down. Worst of all, I had nightmares, including one where I had to give a speech, naked, in front of a bunch of spiders at a conference. When I signed with the Giants and moved to New York, I figured I'd be okay because it was so cold. At the very least, there wouldn't be any tarantulas. Tarantulas only exist in Africa or New Mexico, or places like that. I figure I'm set. So what do I see on my first day of practice - a big ol' hairy spider! I screamed like a little girl and jumped into David Diehl's arms at the sight of it. On that day I came to a decision - I was going to spare no expense in defending myself against these horrible beasts.

I walked out of the locker room that day - in full pads, swinging two jock straps full of pennies I had turned into makeshift nunchakus - and I went out and bought a gun. I locked it safely away until I realized that spiders are everywhere. There is literally no limit to the number of places in which you can encounter one of these mothers. I realized I had to carry my piece everywhere to ensure my safety. That means that whether I'm at home, playing in a game, or freaking with some bitch in the club, I'm strapped. It's self-defense, baby.

That night in the club, I was chilling with my boys Ahmad Bradshaw and Antonio Pierce, and what did I see on my leg but a brown recluse. I don't have to remind you that a brown recluse bite can be deadly. In order to save my life, as well as the lives of my friends, I pulled the trigger. They both have families! How could I live with myself if one of them got caught up in that spider's web, or what have you? I couldn't. If shooting one spider in public in order to save your friends' lives is wrong, than Plaxico Burress does not want to be right. I would have shot him again if it had taken more than one bullet. Luckily, most bullets are about 10 times the size of a brown recluse.

Oh, and as for the whole not having a permit to carry a weapon in the state of New York issue? It's actually kind of a funny story. The day I went down to the gun permit store, who happens to be working behind the counter? None other than a giant spider. Needless to say, my arachnophobia did not allow me to get a permit that day, and I haven't been back to the store since then. Maybe I'll call them up tomorrow to see if the giant spider is still in their employ.

So, as you can see, this whole thing was just an innocent mistake, and hopefully we can all just move on as if nothing happened.

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