Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Holiday Message from James Taylor

Hi! I'm James Taylor. I was watching Remember the Titans the other day, and there's this one scene where my song, Fire and Rain, is playing before one of the characters gets in a car wreck. That got me to thinking: it makes perfect sense to have my music precede terrible events. That's why I'm releasing my new album/DVD series: James Taylor Sings Before Horrible Things Happen.

Here's how it works: my gentle voice will serenade you for a few moments with one of my classic songs. It will play over a pleasant video of a gorgeous meadow, or a New England forest, or something gay like that. Then, a video of something horrific will play and end the song abruptly. The paradox of my soothing brand of music mixed with unsettling, eye-raping events will make the perfect holiday gift for your significant other.

Sing along and witness the atrocities as some of my favorite hits are remixed. Hits such as:

Shower the People/A Kitten Gets Machine-Gunned

You've Got a Friend/That Senator From Pennsylvania Shooting Himself in the Face Back in the 80's

Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight/The Hindenburg Disaster

Country Road/A Dude is Hit By A Bus in Such a Way That You Just Know He's Not Going to Make It

Mexico/A Bear Attacks a Boy Scout Troop

How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)/Never Before Seen Footage of 9-11

And much more! Act now, and I'll throw in a bonus Christmas track O Holy Night/The Scene From Scanners Where the Dude's Head Blows Up. Trust me when I say that we've got much more than listed. Pretty much everything from Pain Olympics and Faces of Death is covered here.

The best way to have your loved ones view this is to not tell them what it's all about. Pop it in the DVD player, and then watch the looks on their faces as they see the travesties. Record their reactions and post it on Youtube. The best reaction shot wins a lunch with me.

I'm going to level with you: I don't know what it is, but I really get off on seeing people react to terrible things. Don't even get me started on how many sessions with my therapist have been spent on that tasty little problem.

But hey, that's neither here nor there! Call and buy it today. You won't regret it. Show a person you love that you care. Take it from me, a bald-ass old crooner who's nose looks like a dick - me singing before a plane hits the World Trade Center is a good-ass gift.

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