Saturday, December 27, 2008

DeVito to Run for Governor of Nevada

Here's a story that's not getting a lot of pub in the east: diminutive actor Danny DeVito has announced his candidacy for governor of Nevada. DeVito called a press conference earlier today to officially announce the bid.

"The state of Nevada needs a change, and I plan to give it to them," said DeVito, struggling to keep his head above the podium so the assembled throng could hear his voice. "When people are going to think of Nevada's resurgence, they will think of one word: DeVito!"

DeVito paused to take a sip from a normal-looking glass that appeared to be a giant glass of water in his tiny, midget-like hands. "You may point to my lack of political experience. You may point to my lack of experience handling state affairs. I say that both are fair points. But let's face facts: Nevada has become a shitty, corrupt state. Some might argue that it is the leftover crap from California, oozing out into another state. Well, what better person to run a state comprised of the leftover crap from California, then the man who was created from the leftover crap of the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

DeVito finally climbed up on the podium in frustration and stood on top of it and screamed to the heavens, "You heard me correctly: I am running on the platform that the movie Twins was actually true!"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fantastic politician, and the perfect gubernatorial specimen," said DeVito, the shrimpy man whose body type resembles that of a corgi. "Seeing as that I was created in a lab from Arnie's leftover DNA, it stands to reason that I will make just as good a governor as my twin brother!"

Current Nevada governor Jim Gibbons has been subject to controversy, including alleged sexual misconduct and bribery investigations. However, his position as governor was not being questioned or challenged by anyone. Nevada political expert Dave Graham found the timing of DeVito's announcement to be unusual. "This is very odd," said Graham. "Mr. DeVito has no political background, and there is no legal way for him to actually become governor this way. My sources close to the situation tell me that this little peanut has made this decision because he saw Twins on Starz late one night and figured enough people would think it was real to do something like this."

DeVito's opened up his press conference to questions, and they came fast and furious. One reporter asked him his plan to improve the state's budget.

"Simple!" cried DeVito, half the size of a normal man. "I'm going to meet with all the governors in the U.S. to discuss budgetary ideas and concerns. At the meeting, I'm going to get a picture of me and the governor of California, both in white suits. I'm going to be leaning up against the governor. We'll send it off to Cafe Press and have that image put on our state flag. It's going to look great."

Some are attributing this run to DeVito's somewhat flailing movie career. Despite being a viable box office draw in the eighties and early nineties, the balding leprechaun's acting career has fizzled in recent years. It all culminated in DeVito asking everyone on the set of his 2006 comedy Deck the Halls to refer to him as Vincent, his character from Twins.

When asked about the state's tremendous growth in the past ten years, DeVito raised his short, shriveled arms and said, "Look, the faster we get me and Arnold wearing matching grey suits and pushing identical babies in baby carriages around the state capitol building, the faster we'll have solved all the problems in this state. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go bang out Kelly Preston, like I did in Twins."

"I thought Arnold banged her out in Twins, not you," yelled someone from the crowd.

DeVito glared at the reporter and snapped, "It's just a movie."

Many experts are questioning the legitimacy of this candidacy, calling it nothing more than a last ditch effort for a Lilliputian thespian to stay in the limelight. It is true that this is not DeVito's first publicity stunt. In 2006 he auditioned for Chris Nolan's The Dark Knight wearing swim fins and a bow tie calling himself Oswald Copplepot, and 2007 saw him attempt to release a self-produced sex tape with his wife Rhea Perlman via YouPorn entitled Throw Momma From My Balls.

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