Tuesday, October 7, 2008

What Should Kimbo Do?

After he received a sound beating in a nationally televised bout Saturday night, Kimbo Slice's mixed-martial arts career is in serious jeopardy. Because the MMA thing might not work out as well as he'd hoped, here are some other career alternatives Kimbo Slice would be smart to pursue:

12. Fight Mike Tyson
This has already been discussed and to be honest, it makes perfect sense to lock these two in a confined area until one can't walk. But what if they raise the stakes a little bit? What if the fight started, and after a few minutes someone tosses an angry raccoon into the ring? Then a couple minutes later, an alligator climbs out of a trap-door. Then a bear. Then a lion. Suddenly, Kimbo and Tyson aren't fighting each other....they're working together. That would make for riveting television, and possibly lead to a buddy cop comedy.

11. Open a Pizza Place
With his last name being what it is, this is such a natural idea it's almost laughable. The emblem on the pizza box could be a sweaty Italian chef with a thick moustache standing next to Kimbo giving a thumbs up. They could also offer a special deal, where every time the customer orders the Kimbo Slice, a large, sweaty black man emerges from the back and beats the shit out of them.

10. Become a Youtube Phenom
Oh wait he did that one already.

9. Work for the U.S. Military
I'm sure that most soldiers are tougher than Kimbo Slice, but he is a scary looking guy. If I'm rolling with the Taliban or with the Iraqi insurgents, I'm cutting out as soon as I see this Charles S. Dutton-with-a-beard-on-HGH freak of nature.

8. Direct Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen
What better way to keep Shia Lebouf from getting in anymore trouble than to present him with the constant threat of getting shit-beat?

7. The Black Santa Claus
Forget about his personality or demeanor: the visual fits. Kimbo could move himself up to the Black North Pole and marry, oh I don't know, Gabrielle Union wearing glasses. And then he can spend the rest of eternity visiting all the nice black boys and girls out there to give them presents, and visiting all the naughty ones to beat the shit out of them.

6. Wrestle for the WWE/Appear on Celebrity Fit Club/Make a Porno
These are bound to happen, so he might as well do all three at once.

5. Be the Black Billy Mays
That Billy Mays guy is starting to get on everybody's nerves. It's time to replace him. It's still a guy with a beard. Not only is he a recognizable spokesman, but you'll pay a lot less for advertising with shorter commercials. For all the jabbering that Billy Mays does, all Kimbo has to say is: "Kimbo Slice here to tell you to buy Oxyclean or I'm going to beat the shit out of you."

4. Secret Service
No matter who you vote for this November, everyone should have utmost respect for the office of President. Therefore, everyone should want somebody this scary-looking to protect the commander-in-chief. The only problem here is finding a suit that fits him. I'm not sure what foreign dignitaries would think about the president's security detail dressing like the Incredible Hulk.

3. Start a Dentistry Practice Where He Beats the Shit Out of People Who Don't Floss
Because that's the only way they'll learn.

2. Scientist
Picture this: Kimbo Slice, in a white lab coat, calls a press conference. He's flanked by a bunch of white-haired dudes, also in lab coats. He grabs the mic:

"Our studies have concluded that the dinosaurs are coming back, yo."

One reporter asks for clarification, and another lab coat guy steps up to say, "Well, Kimbo was reading his kids this book about dinosaurs, and he decided he wanted one as a pet. So uh, yeah...our studies have shown that they're coming back."

The reporter furrows his brow: "But that's impossible! Dinosaurs can't come ba-"

The white-haired guy turns angry. "Quiet you dolt! Shut your mouth right now or - "

Kimbo knocks over the podium. "Ay mufucka, we did a study, and the results are conclusive: I got dibs on a raptor. You want me to beat the shit out of you?"

The reporter quickly shakes his head.

"Good...now who turned the Billy Ocean off?"

Billy Ocean's 1984 hit Caribbean Queen cuts on from the lab's loudspeakers that Kimbo had installed. Kimbo dances victoriously. All the other scientists dance awkwardly as well, for they know that if they don't, Kimbo will beat the shit out of them.

1. Start a Professional Service Where He Beats the Shit Out of People You Want to Beat the Shit Out of
Statistics have shown that 96% of all Americans would love to beat the shit out of their boss. Of course, most of us can't. But Kimbo could get away with it. He wouldn't even get arrested. The cops would show up, survey the scene, shrug and say, "Well, that's all he knows."

Take Geraldo, example. I don't necessarily hate the guy, but I would enjoy watching Kimbo Slice beat the shit out of him. I would drop a couple hundred dollars to see that Youtube video. I'd drop a G to watch it live. The demand would be ridiculous. People would be lining up to get Kimbo to beat the shit out of people they hate. Abused wives having him beat up their a-hole husbands....dogs throwing him at a-hole mailmen....scientists with time machines sending him after that a-hole Hitler. The possibilities are endless.

Whatever he does, I think we can all agree that Kimbo's fifteen minutes of fame are pretty much over, and let me be the first to say good riddance. Someone who's only skill is street-fighting contributes nothing of value to society. I mean that, unless Kimbo reads this blog, in which case I think he's awesome.

You know what, let's just not tag him on this one, just in case.

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