Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The October Surprise: Bob Barr

As Election Day draws closer, the American public awaits an October Surprise for either candidate to pop out of nowhere. Aside from Senator Obama's friendship with a terrorist, which couldn't possibly be a biggie, nothing major has popped up yet. In order to get a different view on this political phenomenon, I tracked down Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr to ask him some questions on the upcoming election from the viewpoint of a third party candidate:

MIKE: Mr. Barr, both Obama and McCain are well-respected within the Senate, and despite various trangressions - McCain leaving his first wife, as well as Obama's nefarious connection to Tony Rezko - both seem to be avoiding a truly disastrous October Surprise. Do you think their good fortune will last up to Election Day?

BARR: Look, all you pigs in the media just need to cool out, okay? Everyone is trying to bring John and Barack down...just let them have an election without dragging their names through the mud, okay? Don't air all their dirty laundry, okay? And don't do it for all the other candidates either, okay?

MIKE: That's not what I'm doing. I'm asking you if you think anything will come out by Election Day. I'm not here to dig up dirt.

BARR: I believe that to be malarkey! Here you have -

MIKE: Mr. Barr, I implore you -

BARR: No, shut up. Here you have a clear intent by the interviewer to discredit and slander two decent, honorable candidates. There's no reason you should say anything bad about either of them, or me.

MIKE: Okay....

BARR: Don't bring up anything from the past. It's pointless.

MIKE: Right, well, my questions are just about the process the media goes through really....okay, I'll start over. Mr. Barr, being a third party candidate, do you feel it's difficult for -

BARR: OKAY, THAT'S IT. I WILL TELL YOU. I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. IT WAS ME. I ORCHESTRATED 9/11, OKAY? THAT WAS ME.

MIKE: ......

BARR: Yeah, I'm sorry to say it. I'd like to tell the American people that I'm issuing them all a collective "my bad" on this one. I trained all the bombers how to fly, I booked their tickets with the airline, the whole thing was my idea. What a horrible secret I've carried with me for these past few years! What an awful October Surprise for Bob Barr, America! The truth is out now. I did it, and I was behind the whole shebang!

MIKE: I don't think anyone's ever referred to 9/11 as a "shebang" before.

BARR: Well, okay....fuck me then. I can understand if America hates me right now. But I hope they can exercise forgiveness for my big mistake. After they talk about me in the news for the few weeks, I figure America should be ready to forgive me by the time Election Day rolls around.

MIKE: Can you explain what the hell happened?

BARR: The who, what, and where isn't important. What's important is that I've apologized, and I want the American people to know that never again will I orchestrate a massive attack on U.S. soil ever again. We all learn from our mistakes, and I've learned from mine. What America needs to do now is forgive Bob Barr. I'm going on a speaking tour to talk about why I'm sorry, and also why I would be an awesome president. I issued a press release this morning, so me and my team should be able to bounce back from this gracefully after a short period of national outrage.

MIKE: Let's turn on the TV here for the reaction....let's see here....CNN: "Barr Causes 9/11, American Electorate Collectively Shrugs." MSNBC: "Barr Behind 9/11 Attacks, Public Responds with a Resounding 'Who?'" Wow...strike two. The AP headline is, "Nation Shrugs at Barr's 9/11 Confession." And let's see what Fox News has to say...."Bob Barr Takes Responsibility for 9/11, Still No One Gives a Shit."

BARR: This is horseshit! The people at my team told me that this would cause a huge controversy and get people talking about me!

MIKE: Looks like no one cares. Here's the Washington Post reaction: "Comedian Bill Burr Culpable for 9/11."

BARR: What the fuck? It's Bob Barr, not Bill Burr! Fuck Bill Burr!

MIKE: Nah man, did you see his Comedy Central last special? It was on point.

BARR: Man...allright, I made it all up. Of course I wasn't responsible for 9/11. My campaign team thought it would stir the pot a little bit, get my name out there. I just wanted to be noticed.

MIKE: Who exactly do you have on your campaign team?

BARR: The guy who works at the Sheetz and my high school basketball coach. Well, I guess it's over. There's no way anyone's going to fucking vote for me now.
MIKE: You do realize that if you had been responsible for 9/11, you would have gone to jail for life, without question? Maybe even executed.
BARR: Yeah? Well, shit....I thought there was a statute of limitations on those kind of things.

MIKE: I'm not so sure about that. Well, anyway, thanks for sitting down with me today, Mr. Barr. It's been fun -

BARR: Wait. That's not all I have to say. I just want the American public to know one thing about me.

MIKE: Okay.

BARR: Okay....you should elect me because I....um....I was touched...as a boy....by Superman?

MIKE: What?

BARR: Yeah, Superman, uh, he molested me at a young age.....I was like 12. But I was able to persevere through that, umm, ordeal, and that's why I'm tough enough to become the president.

MIKE: But Superman isn't even real!

BARR: Oh yeah? Well, his dick be.

At that point Mr. Barr got up, ripped off his wireless mic, and stormed out while staring me down the whole time. Experts are predicting the Superman rape revelation will not decrease Barr's likely vote total, as it is impossible to have a negative amount of people vote for you.

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