Friday, October 3, 2008

How to Not Get Laid During the Fall

There was a column on MSN today entitled Six Great Fall Dates. That is absolutely perfect, because anyone who knows me knows I only accept dating advice via the World Wide Web. The column was penned by the lovely and talented Tobey Grumet Segal, who I will be emailing to see if she wants to go drink some cider and play in a pile of leaves. Because, you know, we're both 8. I'm reprinting the article, with my own additional comments added in.

Learn how to cook comfort food
Cooler temperatures tend to bring out your inner homebody, making fall a prime time to learn how to cook the best comfort foods. What's better than a piping hot chicken potpie or homemade macaroni and cheese to fill you up and keep you warm in the post-summer chill? Plus working side-by-side with your sweetie is a fun, domestic way to bond.

Tobey tries to start us off with some good old fashioned hyperbole to drive her point home, but I'm going to call her on one statement:
"What's better than a piping hot chicken potpie...?"
Actually, Tobey, here's a list of things that are better than a piping hot chicken potpie:
1. Christmas
2. Pizza
3. Coke from the fountain
4. Jeter
5. The Dark Knight
6. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
7. Captain Crunch
8. The Internet
9. Lebron James
10. Christ
11. Halloween candy
12. Buying food for bums
13. Gandhi's legacy
14. The A-Team
I could go on all day.

Celebrate Oktoberfest
The beer-centric festivities traditionally begin in the first week of September and last until the last week of October. The largest celebration is in Munich, of course, but plenty of opportunities reside stateside to listen to an oompah band, dance the polka, nosh on pretzels and try some of the finest specialty beer the German people have to offer. Hoist a pint, get a little woozy, maybe slip a pill in her ale, split a bratwurst, and you've got one fun fall date.
When you ask a girl out, dating experts agree that the first thing running through your head should be - "How can I create opportunities for us to see oompah bands?" Because everyone knows the formula is oompah band = love.
Oompah bands are excitement personified. Have you ever been backstage at an oompah concert? It's wild. Check out their dressing room. It's like one giant orgy. Guys in green hats and suspenders doing lines off of strippers. Fat guys from Wisconsin dropping acid and doing E, dancing with countless groupies. Barnyard animals kind of wandering around aimlessly. It's a mad house. One time somebody asked Jim Morrison about oompah bands and his eyes went wide while he said, "I don't mess around with those guys anymore, man." Then he went and hid in the closet. So this is a brilliant idea. Nothing quite as sensual as the sound of tuba tinged with accordian.
I made up the part about the pill.

Go pumpkin-picking
Travel back to your Charlie Brown childhoods and pick your own pumpkin together from the patch. Place bets to see who can find the biggest — or weirdest-shaped — hunk of squash, then lug it home together to carve.

This is kind of lame, but I guess it could be charming. The only issue I have is the bet you place on who can find the "weirdest-shaped" pumpkin. This has disaster written all over it. She picks out a slight fatter but still normal looking pumpkin, meanwhile you've got the horrifying shaped Rocky Dennis special. Doubt having that beast on your mantle will spark any flames.

Scare yourselves silly
You may be too old to trick-or-treat, but you're definitely not too old for another Halloween tradition: Scary movies. Rent one of the classics—Psycho, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Shining—or head to fearfulfilms.com for more suggestions. Then cuddle up with a bowl of popcorn, some Goobers and Raisinets, and get ready to grab each other for support!

What about after that disgusting, or disturbing, or shocking movie is over? "Man, The Exorcism of Emily Rose is really bone-chilling, especially that part when she cuts herself and screams out in tongues. So you wanna to make out?" You also run the risk of driving a wedge in between each other if you don't react the same way:

GIRL: Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! This was SOOO scary! I can't believe the killer was hiding behind the tree like that! Now I'm like totally afraid to go into the woods behind my house!!!! OMG!

GUY: Are you fucking retarded?

Fly kites
Those swift and steady fall winds are perfect for kite flying, so go buy two colorful kites and hit a beach or open field. Staring up at the clouds, listening to the breeze, and enjoying some quiet time together can be the ultimate bonding experience.

I don't really see kite flying as a fall activity, but the thing is I can't quite remember which season I associate kite-flying with. Oh, that's right: None of them.

Throw a tailgate party for two
Whether you're already a fan or just looking for an offbeat date idea, football season can definitely deliver—anything from a pro game to your local high-school homecoming festivities will get your adrenaline going. Pack a picnic (chili, chips, steaming hot chocolate, and whatever else you two are craving) and a heavy blanket; then head to the stadium on the early side for an intimate tailgate party of your own.

This was a great idea. It really was. There is nothing cooler than hanging out with some chick, cooking, eating, and watching football together. But here is where Gruber Seagal lost me:

"...then head to the stadium on the early side for an intimate tailgate party of your own."

Tobey Grumet Segal - have you ever been tailgating? There's nothing intimate about it. Stadium lots are full of drunk assholes, kids throwing footballs that will inevitably land on your grill, and more drunk assholes. On the other hand, maybe she's right, I mean when I think intimacy, I think of a thousands of overweight men who have been drinking since 8 AM. Why, I can think of no better venue in which to bring a special lady, light a couple candles, and then get your face shoved in a hibachi when some guy's kid kicks your over your cooler. That is the ultimate recipe for love.

In closing, I'd like to say that I don't know Tobey Grumet Segal, but based on this I bet she believes the movie Must Love Dogs actually happened.

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