Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Your Guide to Civil War Reenactment, Written by a Confederate Reenactor Who is Actually Trying to Win

The city of Fredericksburg, Virginia, aside from being the place where I spent my teenage years, is also famous for being a Civil War battle site. The city embraces its history with lots of landmarks, souvenirs, and even Civil War reenactments. One of the Confederate reenactors, a 29 year old from Fredericksburg named Noah Morgan, wrote in to tell us a little bit about the experience:

Allright guys, this ain't over yet! I know what the script is, and I know what's supposed to happen. But what you have to understand is that we're still in this thing. Our biggest asset right now is that the other side thinks it's supposed to win. What better time to strike? I say we mobilize our forces and launch a full frontal assault right now. That way we can reverse this thing and hopefully bring home a victory for the Old Dixie. We can do this! I'm looking at the group in front of me, and they are the finest group of soldiers assembled in this here fake Civil War.

I didn't spend $200 on this fake Confederate uniform and plastic bayonet so I could come here and lose!

A couple of quick things before I tell you the plan: I don't want to bring slavery back. I'm not about hating other races. But, I do think we could benefit by going back to having plantations because A) they will give our economic system a kick in the butt that it needs, and B) I love to sit on giant porches and fan myself while drinking lemonade out of a pitcher while I watch other people do stuff. So here's the compromise I'm offering: we replace slavery with a voluntary butler system. We pay all the butlers, and they can be any color. We won't order black dudes to be butlers. It would basically be slavery with all the negatives stripped away. Some might call it butlery. Yeah, I like that. Slavery is evil but butlery sounds pretty awesome. One would only have to catch one glimpse of Alfred in The Dark Knight to agree.

Also, if we go on to win this fake war, no more saying "Yee-Haw!" It's cliched and hack. That and "Dagnubbit." What is dagnubbit, anyway? Are you trying to say goddamnit? According to that phrase, you would like some person or being known as "Dag" to "nub" whatever "it" is. Didn't realize nub was a verb. Again, it's an outdated, nonsensical phrase, and we in the South are better than that. Whenever I hear "Dagnubbit," I imagine Dagwood Bumstead with half an arm missing trying to rub "it."

Okay, so me and Steve stayed up all night hatching this scheme, and I think it's going to work. Halfway through the recreation, we walk over there waving a white flag. We tell them that somebody over here skinned their knee and we need some Band Aids. When they stop pretending to shoot at us to look for the First Aid Kit....here comes me and Steve rolling up on them in the General Lee. Then the entire Confederate battalion follows behind us. I'm talking everybody. We are bringing the house, baby. Bring the kitchen sink. I want fists flying. And if you have to hit them with your fake guns, do it.

After the initial wave, a second wave of troops will approach from the rear. This will cut those damn Yankees off from their food rations. Let's see how well they operate without all those burgers and Cokes they stored up for the winter. We'll take them hostage, and before you know it, we'll have President Bush on the phone and Freebird will be the new national anthem.

Don't worry; this is no mutiny. I've cleared this with the leaders of the battalion. Lee, Roy, Tucker, Kenny, and that one guy who looks like an uglier version of Travis Tritt. They all said this was cool. I mean, they were loaded at that time, but approval is approval is approval. I'd like to see them put a stop to my plans after they've passed out.

I'll tell you what this is all about. This is about showing people that Southern pride isn't about hatefulness and racism. There are so many other positive things that represent the South. Things like incredibly long beards, sweet tea, and t-shirts with a naked woman's silhouette on them. I'm talking about a land where all the women wear big, puffy bonnets, and all the men wear Colonel Sanders suits with kerchiefs. We want to change people's perception. In order to convince people that I'm serious, I'm ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. When we achieve our victory, I'm abolishing the Confederate flag. It has far too many negative connotations for too many groups of people. I'm replacing it with an image that everyone can rally behind: a picture of Calvin pissing on Osama bin Laden.

I am telling you...either I will go through with this plan, or I will keep drinking Jim Beam until I pass out and piss myself. Yep...reckon it'll go one of two ways.

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