Friday, September 5, 2008

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

I woke up this morning to a pretty solid rain storm outside. The weather was dreary and the forecast looked bleak. I tried to think about what I could do to improve the unpleasantness we're seeing today at clubs and colleges all up and down the East Coast. And that's when it hit me: I'll give the kids another installment of But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

If you're not familiar with this running feature, check here, here, and here.

Good? Good. Without further adieu, here we go:

JOHN MCCAIN
STRENGTHS: US Senator currently running for president, McCain bravely spent years in a Vietnam POW camp, proving his everlasting toughness.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: McCain shows up to the fight wearing boxing gloves, a wifebeater, and old red trunks. In his corner are Joe Lieberman and Sarah Palin, clenching a spit bucket. Ten minutes later, Chewbacca shows up in a suit, flanked by Han and Lando, also in suits. "What?" says Chewie. "I thought we were going to debate the issues." McCain, somewhat flustered, agrees, and grabs a mic: "Allright, so here's what I think about education..."

Before he can finish, Chewie bumrushes him and mauls him for like an hour. Lando gives Lieberman a powerbomb, and Han takes Palin out for drinks.

HANNA
STRENGTHS
: A powerful tropical storm .
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca and Han stand defiantly in the middle of a field somewhere in North Carolina today wearing yellow slickers and boots. There is a torrential downpour, but they toss a football back and forth.

"Tropical storm ain't fuckin' up my day," says Chewie.

Han holds onto his yellow hat and says, "Yo C, wanna go check out a movie?"

"Fuck that! Get the horseshoes out, motherfucker."

THE SHIELD
STRENGTHS: A critically acclaimed cop drama entering its final season. It's hailed by critics as one of the best shows on television.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca and Han issue a press release announcing that they plan to produce a sitcom called Wedge's Place. It will be centered around Rebellion pilot Wedge Antilles, who in the show will be known as Wedge Hammond. Antilles manages a hot dog stand, and during the show he gives advice about life to all his customers. Also starring on the show will be Boba Fett as his best friend, Grand Moff Tarkin as the wacky neighbor, and a couple of Jawas as an elderly Jewish couple who get hot dogs every day. The last sentence of the press release is: "Take it from me, Chewbacca - this show will be better than The Shield."

THE NEW YORK GIANTS DEFENSE
STRENGTHS: Overcame a rough start in 2007 to become one of the league's top defenses. Culminated in a Super Bowl victory in which they held the record-setting Patriots offense to 14 points.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie, along with Han, Lando, Wedge, Luke, Boba Fett and a bunch of Ewoks on HGH playing offensive line, start out at their own 40 after a decent return by Luke. After peppering the G-Men with lots of dinky short passes for 4-5 yard gains, cornerback Aaron Ross picks off an underthrown and ill-advised bomb intended for Lando. Ross takes it to the house, and after scoring, Chewbacca beats the shit out of him. "Yeah!" Chewie yells. "We didn't fucking lose! Now I'm going to rips his arms off and use them to play drums at a New York nightclub!" Han and Luke convince him not to do this, as on Planet Earth that is considered murder.

A STRIP CLUB
STRENGTHS: A place where you can find many beautiful and exotic women and their boobies.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As Lando and Han happily get lap dances at the Yavin IV Boobatorium, Chewbacca sits in the corner, solemnly sipping a bottle of Coors Light. Luke, already wasted, is slumped at the bar playing Photo Hunt. Everytime a gorgeous woman approaches Chewie asking him if he wants a lap dance, he mutters, "I'm cool," and pretends to watch the LSU game playing on the TV above the bar. Then, out of nowhere...it's her.

A Wookie stripper emerges from the back, dressed like a schoolgirl. Chewie immediately stands up and barks: "Now that's a fucking dime piece!" Chewie gladly pays for several lap dances. Afterwards they scurry out to the parking lot into the Falcon, where she gives him something that's known on Kashyyk as a hongrawr. In English it's known as a Wookie beej.

HAVING HIS ENTIRE WOOKIE FAMILY OVER FOR A WOOKIE THANKSGIVING
STRENGTHS: Having 15 or so Wookies under the same roof, even for one day, would be stressful for anyone.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA: After a long day full of passive-aggressive sniping, Chewbacca accidently walking in on his great-aunt taking a dump, and one of Chewbacca's nephews picking a fight with his son, the whole clan sits down to eat a beautiful turkey dinner. It was a rough day, but Chewbacca beams with pride as they made it through. He did it. He gave his family a great Thanksgiving. He even has enough good humor left in his bones to joke with his brother, as he yells, "So...when's my kid brother Brent gonna bring a nice girl home, huh?"

Everyone drops their forks in unison as Brent slowly looks up at Chewie.

DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT HIS BROTHER BRENT IS GAY
STRENGTHS: In the year 2008, it's ridiculous to think anyone should have a problem with how anybody else live their lives.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca looks at Brent in amazement after he tells him. "Damn man...why didn't you say something? Whatever makes my little bro happy is okay with me."

Brent sighs a huge sigh of relief. "So you're not upset?"

"Fuckin' of course not! I'm upset you didn't tell me sooner, you rat bastard! C'mere and let me get my paws on you!"

Chewie and Brent embrace. The family applauds.

Brent wipes away his tears to say, "I actually invited him here today, if you don't mind him coming in. He's waiting outside."

The front door swings open, and in comes the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Chewie does a double take. "But...I thought you were dead!"

Obi-Wan chuckles to himself and says, "With the power of the force, you can accomplish anything!"

"But I didn't know you were gay," Chewie says, still perplexed.

Obi-Wan grabs a drumstick and says, "Yeah man. I'm gay as shit."

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