Thursday, August 7, 2008

Transcript for the Newest Billy Mays Infomercial

Billy Mays here to tell you that the United States orchestrated 9/11! That's right, the worst tragedy in American history was a staged event by the U.S. government! And I've got all the proof here in this booklet - THE BILLY MAYS GUIDE TO 9/11.

Within the booklet, we've got signed documents, affadavits, and all kinds of other evidence linking the U.S. government to one of the most heinous catastrophes the world has ever seen. I also interview a number of architects who present evidence that the World Trade Center collapsed as the result of a controlled demolition. When you see this you will quite literally want to vomit at the utter betrayal of the American people at the hands of our so-called protectors, the federal government.

All that for only 4 easy payments of $19.95!!!

Also - it's no secret that Dick Cheney was the puppetmaster behind this horrific event in order to justify building up a higher defense budget. But before now, no one could definitively prove it. Well, included in the package we have recordings from top secret wiretaps I performed on the vice president in the three years after 9/11 occurred. Here's a snippet:

DICK CHENEY: My name is Dick Cheney. I am on the telephone right now and I orchestrated 9/11.
CONDOLEEZA RICE: Are you sure that is true?
DICK CHENEY: Yes.

And there's much more inside!

Act right now and I'll throw in a second booklet free - this one linking bin Laden and President Bush called Osama and George. It features pictures of them plotting, scheming, playing basketball, driving a paddleboat, and riding a bicycle built for two. These photos are 100% genuine! I don't even own Photoshop.

So to recap - act now and you can get The Billy Mays Guide to 9/11, tapes of every phone call Dick Cheney made from 2001 until the FBI raided my house, sending me on the run, and irrefutable visual proof that W and bin Laden are very close pals who ride gondolas together in Venice.
All that can be yours for 4 easy payments of 19.95! What are you waiting for!?! This is Billy Mays here to tell you that the only true solution is anarchy, and to call and order today!

2 comments:

J.S. said...

You do realize that in order to call yourself a comedian that you're supposed to be funny.

Mike Eltringham said...

I would like to take your comment seriously sir, but I like to do a little investigation before I respond to attacks on my comedy. Upon reviewing your blogger profile, I noticed that you:

A)Are a 35 year old man (wild guess here - probably single), living in Johnstown, PA
B)Have a Billy Mays photo as your profile picture
C)Posted this link under your favorite music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2csrtTBc1RY

So while I appreciate your patronage, I will go out on limb to say that based on those three items above, no one anywhere should ever listen to anything you say. Have a good day and please don't serial kill me.