Thursday, August 7, 2008

Transcript for the Newest Billy Mays Infomercial

Billy Mays here to tell you that the United States orchestrated 9/11! That's right, the worst tragedy in American history was a staged event by the U.S. government! And I've got all the proof here in this booklet - THE BILLY MAYS GUIDE TO 9/11.

Within the booklet, we've got signed documents, affadavits, and all kinds of other evidence linking the U.S. government to one of the most heinous catastrophes the world has ever seen. I also interview a number of architects who present evidence that the World Trade Center collapsed as the result of a controlled demolition. When you see this you will quite literally want to vomit at the utter betrayal of the American people at the hands of our so-called protectors, the federal government.

All that for only 4 easy payments of $19.95!!!

Also - it's no secret that Dick Cheney was the puppetmaster behind this horrific event in order to justify building up a higher defense budget. But before now, no one could definitively prove it. Well, included in the package we have recordings from top secret wiretaps I performed on the vice president in the three years after 9/11 occurred. Here's a snippet:

DICK CHENEY: My name is Dick Cheney. I am on the telephone right now and I orchestrated 9/11.
CONDOLEEZA RICE: Are you sure that is true?

And there's much more inside!

Act right now and I'll throw in a second booklet free - this one linking bin Laden and President Bush called Osama and George. It features pictures of them plotting, scheming, playing basketball, driving a paddleboat, and riding a bicycle built for two. These photos are 100% genuine! I don't even own Photoshop.

So to recap - act now and you can get The Billy Mays Guide to 9/11, tapes of every phone call Dick Cheney made from 2001 until the FBI raided my house, sending me on the run, and irrefutable visual proof that W and bin Laden are very close pals who ride gondolas together in Venice.
All that can be yours for 4 easy payments of 19.95! What are you waiting for!?! This is Billy Mays here to tell you that the only true solution is anarchy, and to call and order today!


J.S. said...

You do realize that in order to call yourself a comedian that you're supposed to be funny.

Mike Eltringham said...

I would like to take your comment seriously sir, but I like to do a little investigation before I respond to attacks on my comedy. Upon reviewing your blogger profile, I noticed that you:

A)Are a 35 year old man (wild guess here - probably single), living in Johnstown, PA
B)Have a Billy Mays photo as your profile picture
C)Posted this link under your favorite music:

So while I appreciate your patronage, I will go out on limb to say that based on those three items above, no one anywhere should ever listen to anything you say. Have a good day and please don't serial kill me.