Monday, September 1, 2008

Open Letter to Sarah Palin


Mrs. Palin,

First allow me to offer congratulations. Your selection as John McCain's running mate is truly an historic achievement. Allow me to give you a word of caution, however. Many will view your selection as a desperate move by McCain to appeal to female voters. This makes it vital that you make as many speeches as you can detailing your stance on all the issues. Your performance in the vice presidential debate will be heavily scrutinized, so make sure you are prepared for that also. It is crucial that you show your critics that you have political substance while proving to everyone that you are more than just a novelty pick.

That being said, do you wanna get dinner sometime?

I mean, I know you'll be busy with the campaign or whatever, and that's cool. But I have one question for you - do you like eating lunch? 'Cause if you do, I was thinking we could hit up Chuck's Chinese Food, this great little buffet that's right off 95. It's right off the Occoquan exit. The food is good and they've got a lot of cool Chinese art on the walls. You look like you'd be a girl who can appreciate culture, what with your glasses and all.

Like I was saying earlier, nothing is important than establishing your knowledge on all the issues. Issues like abortion, education, tax cuts, and who you think is going to win the NFC East this year. Speaking of the NFC East, I think me and some people are getting together to watch the Skins/Giants game this Thursday night at my buddy Moose's place. They've got a kegerator and this sick beer pong table. It's got an awesome painting of the Hokie Bird dressed up like the Grim Reaper holding a sickle. Just don't embarrass me when we get on the table because I never let Moose beat me. Anyway, if the campaign trail is getting boring and you get a chance to break away from Father Time for a minute, maybe you can swing by.

Not a big drinker? That's cool. Take a break from all the Beltway craziness to join me for some mini-golf and ice cream, if you're not doing anything. It wouldn't be a date or anything. It's just two friends who happen to both like mint chocolate chip and hitting golf balls through miniature windmills and then maybe making out if we get bored.

I think I remember reading somewhere that you have 5 children and a husband. This is a fact that will not be lost on voters. Managing a family is no small feat, and while it's not a political task, it gives you a credibility with Americans who have experienced the same burden. And if you'll pardon my lack of modesty, may I say that I am great with kids. I love building forts, and going to carnivals, and all other kinds of kid shit. And as far as your husband goes....well, if he was a real man, wouldn't he be McCain's nominee for vice president? I'm not trying to hate on him or anything, but I wouldn't let Johnny Mac tab my old lady as his VP over me.

In closing, I'd like to again offer my heartfelt congratulations and I'd like to pose 2 questions to you:

1) Do you have what it takes to engage the public on the issues and show them exactly what kind of policymaker Sarah Palin would be?

and

2) Have you ever seen Bloodsport? No? Oh, my God. Such an underrated flick. Van Damme's best. You should totally come check it out. I've got Surround Sound and one of those popcorn machines to make real popcorn like at the theater. It's pretty sweet. If you're not doing anything later this week maybe we can watch it, or something. If you want.

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