Thursday, August 28, 2008

Exclusive: One-on-One with the Tootsie Roll Owl

Two separate rap songs have popped up in the past six months dealing with lollipops, one by Three 6 Mafia, one by Lil' Wayne. How the music industry allowed 2 songs about the same candy product is beyond me. One aspect of this phenomenon no one has examined is how this has affected the lollipop industry. I got in touch with the powers that be over at Big Lollipop, and I was able to score an interview with the industry's number one spokesman - the Tootsie Roll Owl.

MIKE: So, two songs about lollipops in the past year -

TOOTSIE ROLL OWL: It's disgusting. It's clear to me that the lollipop is being used here to represent sexuality, and I find that preposterous. And the fact that there are ah-ta-WHOO of them is just plain ridiculous. If you want to write a song about lollipops, I'd encourage it, but you have to be concerned with the context.

MIKE: So you're not happy with it?

OWL: I'm livid. The lollipop, in this case, is nothing more than crudely constructed phallic imagery. And I'm sorry, but I don't want to stake my name or my career on some rapper's penis!

MIKE: Wow. I'm pretty sure nobody has ever uttered that sentence in history.

OWL: I don't mean to fly off the handle but it's an emotional issue for me. I've already done ah-three...CRRCH....ah-three interviews about this today, so I'm already warmed up and raring to go.

MIKE: Have you had any contact with Three 6 or Wayne?

OWL: You know, some of our people have reached out to them. I think Mr. Cow actually met with a ah-ta-WHOO people over at Weezy's label. I know we did stage a protest outside ah-one Three 6 Mafia show last month. So, we've been pretty hands-on in our approach. We want to let people know that lollipops are more than just a metaphor for getting blown.

MIKE: Right. Your commercial has stood the test and time and has made you somewhat iconic over the years. How did it affect your career?

OWL: Do you mind if I eat while we do this?

(Ed. note: At this point the Owl pulled out a bag of dead mice.)

MIKE: Uh, yeah, that's cool.

OWL: Great...mmmm....got these in bulk. I could eat dead mouse all day long, my man. Let's see, my career...I did a couple more commercials after that. Goddamn, what is it about eating a dead mouse that does it for me? These things are heavenly, I'm about to orgasm up in this bitch...Anyway, I did some commercials for some other products...mostly local car dealerships, a couple infomercials...I'm telling you, there's nothing more delicious than one of these, especially when you use a marinade. This one tastes like they used a smoky mesquite....eventually I did a couple Skinemax-type deals for the owl version of Cinemax, including my favorite title, Whoot It Up My Butt, which I would argue is the Citizen Kane of owl porn. Mmmm! I'm telling you, playboy, if these dead mice were around in India in the '40's, Gandhi would have caved and England never would have granted India her independence.

MIKE: Are you almost done eating?

OWL: Why, you want some?

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