Tuesday, July 15, 2008

NFL Preview: NFC West


Football season is less than two months away, and for the next couple weeks we'll have guest blogs previewing every division in the NFL. This week it's the NFC West with my good buddy, Chris:

A blog about football! How positively salacious and yet at the same time, deliciously ribald! When Michael asked me to preview the football squads in the Western Conference, how could I turn him down? Now, I have never watched a game of football. My favorite sport is beach volleyball on NBC. Every Saturday afternoon I sit on my pink couch with my teddy bear, Fitchett, and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and watch well-oiled machines battle on the beach! And I wear a speedo while I enjoy the match! Ooh, Christopher, you're so bad - on with the preview!

SEATTLE
Last Year:
19-3
Strengths: I was all set to anoint them the champions of the world when I thought their quarterback Matt Hasselbeck was married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, former cohost on the View. I enjoy nothing more than curling up in front of a fireplace with a plate of bon-bons and a carton of ice cream and watching the ladies of the midday duke it out! But alas, she is married to Tim Hasselbeck, so I cannot endorse them. If it's any consolation, Mike Holmgren looks like he would have been hot 20 years ago.
PREDICTION: 1-24.

ARIZONA
Last Year:
Oh, who cares!?!?
Strengths: Matt Leinart makes me want to go into the men's bathroom at the airport and tap my feet like I'm in the audience at a Miles Davis concert.
PREDICTION: 15-2, Super Bowl Champs!!!! Can they get to be champs if the Redskins win too?

ST. LOUIS
Last Year:
3-12.
Strengths: I. Hate. These. Uniforms. Ugh! Did someone throw up on Marc Bulger's chest? They simply have the ugliest t-shirts in all of football. Put out an APB for the fashion police to arrest the team manager who designed those ghastly things!
PREDICTION: Bottom of the standings - the style standings, that is!

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
Last Year:
44-32.
Strengths: I keep hearing great things about this Dubron James fellow, but I never see him wearing shoulder pads! It's a wonder they can win any games! I think they will do just fine, although I wonder what the Cleveland Browns will say about having two teams in town? I wonder if they'll be the "top dog?" I say that because the Cleveland Browns fans are known as the Dog Pound.

Which brings me to my next point - can anyone find any old Pound Puppies on eBay? They were these stuffed animals that I used to line my bed with when I was a lad, and I would love to start doing that again. Now I it's just Fitchett, and three giant plush panda bears. Well, the plush pandas are starting to smell, so I need to replace them. If anybody's got a lead on a pound puppy, let me know. Fitchett is awfully lonely.
PREDICTION: Wait, what team were we on?

So, that's what I think will happen in the NFC's Western Hemisphere. That dreamboat Matt Leinart will lead his team to the promised land, and hopefully Hebron will throw the ball all over the field when he plays those ugly St. Louis blue-shirts. If you'll excuse me, 300 is playing on HBO and I hear the Sav Blanc calling my name - until next time, toodles!

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