Tuesday, July 22, 2008

In the News


CRAZY HOT
Actress Heather Locklear was admitted to a mental hospital, according to reports. According to the doctors on site, while it's too early for a diagnosis, it has been confirmed that Ms. Locklear suffers from having a money rack.

A SIMPLE GIRL
Nicole Ritchie will guest star on NBC's hit show Chuck. Many fans are worried that the show may be cancelled now that it inevitably has herpes.

MISSION TO MARS
A Mars rover found that Martian soil is "friendly to life." According to sources, although NASA was estatic at the discovery, Martian soil was distraught at ending up in life's friend zone.

BABY OIL? NO...OIL, BABY!
Oil prices have plummeted by $5 a barrel due to a decline in U.S. demand, experts say. The cause of the drop? The U.S. discovered a new source of oil when Canadian entertainer Alan Thicke squeezed a ton of it out of his hair.

GOT WEAPONS?
The Supreme Court has lifted the gun ban in D.C., citing an order of "Murder Capital" t-shirts that could not be refunded.

BRONX ZOO
Widespread HIV testing is being sought in the Bronx. Scientists have discovered HIV genes in the borough that deviate from normal occurrences of the disease; these genes are found to have thick black mustaches and girlfriends named Paula.

13 YEAR OLDS KNOW HOW TO PARTY
Over 98% of underage drinkers get their alcohol from adults, according to a report this week. The remaining 2% get their beer from older looking babies.

HIGH CLASS
Jennifer Lopez was spotted in a fabulous red Dolce and Gabbana dress while shopping in Madrid. When asked about her swank vacation, the diva was quoted as saying, "I'd love to talk with you guys, but I've gotta shit so fuckin' bad I can taste it."

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