Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Enemies of the Batman: A Comparative Study


With The Dark Knight set to give America a collective orgasm tonight at midnight, there's already speculation on who should be the main bad guy in the next sequel. That said, here's an in-depth breakdown of some of Batman's most prominent villains:

JOKER
STRENGTHS: Obviously, Batman's worst enemy and the most compelling villain in the DC Universe.
WEAKNESSES: The genius of the character lies in the fact that this is a jester committing acts of pure evil, thereby creating this grand paradox that is scarier than the common villain. However, I think I would be afraid of a clown doing anything, even if it wasn't crime. Because as we all know, every sane person should be freaked out by clowns.

7-11 CASHIER: Man, you should have been in here ten minutes ago...some clown came in to buy jerky.
MIKE: Wait, there was a clown...here?!?
7-11 CASHIER: Yeah. Nice guy. Just bought some jerky, nothing more.
MIKE: *shivers, unable to speak*
7-11 CASHIER: You allright, sir?
MIKE: Just gimme my toquitos.

TWO-FACE
STRENGTHS: I've got a lot of respect for him because he wears a suit. If you're going to terrorize Gotham, at least be professional. It's the kind of thing I'm sure Batman appreciates when he busts Killer Croc wearing a polo and khakis. Crime ain't business casual, son.
WEAKNESSES: All decisions reliant on pocket change.

THE PENGUIN
STRENGTHS: Umm...Danny Devito was magnificent in Big Fish.
WEAKENESSES: Hard to get too worked up over a guy whose only two ambitions in life are to twirl a parasol and score some halibut.

THE RIDDLER
STRENGTHS: Posed a lot of good questions, and as everyone knows, you should always question authority, kids.
WEAKNESSES: I don't like a supervillain who intentionally gives away what he planned to do, even if it is done in an artful manner. "Two trains leave Gotham at 4PM and...actually I forget how the rest of it goes, but I tied Barbara Gordon to some train tracks."

KING TUT
STRENGTHS: Basically, this was a villain from the TV show that would get hit on the head and think he was King Tut. At the end of each episode he was in, he would get hit on the head again and forget everything that happened, so they'd let him go. And he stroked his weird beard a lot, which was kind of cool.
WEAKNESSES: This character should have been a landmark one in television, as it should have created a groundbreaking new defense for all guilty criminals.

SCOTT PETERSON: Excuse me, your honor, while I hit myself with this brick....AHHH....wait...who are you people? Where am I? I don't remember doing anything! Welp, guess I'll get rolling.

The other thing is, where did King Tut's henchmen go when he didn't think he was King Tut? Were they just free lancing? What does a horseshoe do? Are there horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

EGGHEAD
STRENGTHS: "The world's smartest criminal;" the Egghead was some guy with a giant, egg shaped head who was really smart, played by Vincent Price. So, he was really smart. That was his strength. Bright guy.
WEAKNESSES: All his crimes/gadgets had to contain an egg theme. And he liked to use a lot of words that could be transformed to include the word "egg" in it, which was just weird. "Ah, Batman, when you enter my eggs-ecution chamber, I'm sure it will be a harrowing eggs-perience. How eggs-actly do you plan to eggs-scape? You can't! Sorry that it smells like eggs in here, but I had some bad shellfish earlier which led to an egg-splosive B.M. No matter - you're bound and gagged with nowhere to go! Now you'll never be able to foil my plan of operating a pornographic site with eggheaded women called OmeletteTricks.com!"

My picks for the next one? All I'll say is I'm begging you, Chris Nolan. Make Batman 3 in 2011 with David Hyde Pierce as Egghead and James Gandolfini as King Tut. It will far surpass the brilliant villain work done already by Ledger or Schwarzenegger.

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