Tuesday, July 29, 2008

But Could He Beat Chewbacca?

As everyone knows, cinema's greatest creation is the character of Chewbacca. He is not only an awesome Wookiefication of loyalty and trust; he's also a precious gift to the world. In my award winning series But Can He Beat Chewbacca? I examine whether or not various people, places, things, or ideas could defeat the mighty Wookie. Here is our latest installment.

CHINA
STRENGTHS: Most powerful economy in the world. Could be the world's number one superpower despite a deplorable human rights record.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: As a bunch of evil Chinese businessmen torture some innocent Chinese villagers with kendo sticks in an open field, who comes to the rescue but Chewbacca, riding a John Deere tractor that's made in the U.S.A., thank you very much. He obliterates the evil mob save for one lone businessman that he leaves alive to spread word to the others.

"What do you call this, what you've just done here?" the businessman asks.

Chewie looks him square in the eye as he says, "A start."

GRAVITY
STRENGTHS: An irrefutable law of nature.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Lando, on his backyard deck, looks up at his roof where Chewie stands. Our hero is hooked up to an anti-gravity device, which is a contraption Lando and Chewie put together one Saturday when they were bored. Chewie leaps off the roof, wildly swinging his arms and legs. Lando looks on in amazement, as his friend seems to be floating on nothing but the air itself... until Chewie hits the deck with a resounding thud.

"FUCK, MAN," yells Chewie, unable to move. "I think I tore my ACL...shit..."

"Dude, I can see the bone!" says Lando, stunned.

"I can't even feel it! Call the ambulance! PUT THE FUCKIN' CAMERA DOWN!"

So, in other words...yes, gravity can beat Chewbacca.

FILLING HEATH LEDGER'S SHOES AS THE JOKER
STRENGTHS: While The Dark Knight's success at the box office has all but ensured another sequel, it will be nearly impossible for any actor to top Ledger's iconic turn as Batman's classic foe.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca shows up on the set of The Dark Knight II: Electric Boogaloo wearing poorly done white make up caked in his face hair and a purple tank top. "Well, I'm here. Where Michael Caine at?"

Director Chris Nolan approaches him. "Chewie, uhh....we're not including the Joker in this film. I'm sorry. We went with the Riddler instead."

"Chris, change what you just said, or I'm going to find your youngest son and go hog wild on him."

"Uhh...okay, we'll write him back in. Just don't hurt my family."

"Beautiful. By the way, The Prestige was fuckin' money."

DINOSAURS
STRENGTHS: As showcased in the new History Channel program Jurassic Fight Club, many dinosaurs were vicious and lethal killing machines.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Because so many people want to know the answer to this, Chewbacca is unwillingly drugged, kidnapped, and thrown into an octagon full of velociraptors by some government organization who studies these type of things. As Chewie comes to, he realizes the predicament he's been placed in and smiles. He loves it. He's wanted this since he saw Jurassic Park. He easily defeats the beasts. Some spectators at ringside even swear that during the fight they notice Chewbacca getting something of a Wookie chub.

GLOBAL WARMING
STRENGTHS: The threats of global warming are both obvious and treacherous; its long term effects on the environment could prove to be cataclysmic.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca calls a press conference after the president commissions him - yet again - to solve a major world problem. He and Han stand in front of a covered easel, wearing suits straight out of Miami Vice. "Look mang, global warming ain't no thing, " says Chewie. "This project will cost billions, but it's going to be worth it." He pulls the sheet from over the easel to reveal a crudely drawn picture of the Earth with what looks like a ceiling fan located in the upper portion of the atmosphere. "This bitch up here will make sure everything stays cool. We need to get to work right away!"

A squirrelly looking reporter in the first row stands up. "But Chewie...what are you going to connect the ceiling fan to?"

Chewbacca looks at Han with a look of amazement. Han wads up a piece of paper and chucks it square in the reporters face. "We're going to connect it to the ceiling of the world, Douchedick," Chewie says coolly before exiting.

THE FACT THAT THE WORLD DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A CEILING
STRENGTHS: Puts a serious dent in Chewie's global warming solution.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca, Han, and Lando hang out of an air balloon, high above the Earth. Through the use of long metal poles and Plaster-of-Paris, they've created a ceiling for the Earth. As Chewie puts on the finishing touches, he decides to test the sturdiness of the ceiling he's created.

"I just need to see if it'll hold the giant ceiling fan. I'm going to stand on it...maybe jump up and down a few times."

"I wouldn't do that, Chewbacca," says Lando. But it's too late. Chewie climbs through a small hole in their ceiling and crawls around on all fours.

"This is great! This is sturdy as a moth - "

Before Han and Lando know it, Chewie has fallen straight through to Earth. They share a quick look of terror, and when they go back down to the ground they can see Chewbacca writhing around in pain, somewhere in Greenland.

"FUCK, MAN," shouts Chewie as he grips his left knee. "I definitely tore something. Plus I'm pretty sure my balls got twisted up like one of those things you use to close up bags of bread! LANDO, TURN OFF THE CAMERA."

2 comments:

Jimmy said...

I stand by my "consistently hilarious" opinion of your blog. Those were solid laughs on a bad day, thank you sir.

Jim said...

But could his blog beat Chewbacca?