Saturday, June 28, 2008

Weirdest Name-Drop Ever


I'm at a bar talking to a German exchange student. We had reached a lull in the conversation, and in an attempt to make some kind of connection, I blurted out, "You know, most Americans don't like French people."

Her eyes lit up. "Germans don't like the French either!"

"Really? That's awesome! We should talk about that!"

"Yeah...all Germans hate the French. In fact, the Nazis used to have this one expression...."

That's when I stopped listening to her, because there's nothing good that can come from quoting the Nazis. Think about it - are there any good pieces of advice we used to today that are actually from old Nazi lore?

"Well, it's like the Nazis used to say...a penny saved...."

"Yeah?"

"I can't quite remember the rest of that adage, but I'm sure it had something to do with Hanukkah being queer."

I don't use Match.com, but if I did, I'd be sure to list "Nazi references" as one of my turn-offs. Oh, and a quick note to all the prospective Mrs. Michael Xavier Eugene Eltringham's out there - if we throw on Raiders, you're rooting for Indy. Hope we're clear on that, bitch.

I don't think this girl really supported the Nazis, but there are just certain people or groups that shouldn't be mentioned positively in any way. Think about the Taliban. Think about all the people they've killed and tortured. Think about some of the heinous terrorists they've harbored. Think about how just the mere mention of the name makes you feel.

Now...what if they made a mean apple turnover?

You're not using that recipe! "Honey, can you hand me the Taliban Cookbook? It's on the shelf right next to Saddam's Guide to Carpentry." Oops, looks like I've got to run to the store, because this one calls for a quart of hate.

The Nazis have such a bad reputation that you can't even imagine them doing anything good. One time I saw a show on the History Channel that played some of Hitler's old home movies. The fact that Hitler made home movies is amazing enough. The content was even more mind-boggling. They had Hitler kissing babies, going on picnics, and playing with puppies. Can you think of a bigger paradox? That would be like finding videos on Youtube of Gandhi beating up a homeless dude.

"Mahatma, no! Put down the skateboard! Ohh....NO! Gandhi has just struck a man with a skateboard! Mohandas, how could you?"

So, in conclusion, after she said it, I excused myself and didn't talk to her for the rest of the night. It was kind of cool to take a stand on the whole thing. I guess what I'm really trying to say to all the ladies out there: name-dropping the Nazis is a deal breaker.

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