Friday, June 6, 2008

Amy's Graduating


My sister Amy is graduating high school Saturday morning. In her honor, here are just a few reasons that she's better than you:

* Amy's favorite video game is Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Unlike you, she only plays the game just to drive around and listen to '80's music, not for the glorified violence. Not does she refuse to shoot anyone, but she's also the only person to use the little known "frolic with puppies in a meadow" code.

* Amy was accepted to Virginia Tech. She also got accepted to numerous other gay schools that aren't worth mentioning because they're gay and not Tech. She'll be attending Gay Mary Washington in the fall of two thousand gayght.

* As a 3 year old, her courageous battle to get out of diapers inspired me to do the same at age 8.

* Amy once mentored a 12 year old with Thicke's Disease. Thicke's Disease is a rare bone condition in which the affected has the normal body of a child but has the head and voice of Canadian entertainer Alan Thicke.

* Huge Civil War buff-buff. She really enjoys interviewing people who know a lot of shit about the Civil War.

* One time when I was in the middle of learning how to play the xylophone, she walked into the room, trashed the xylophone and said, "Enough, allright?" stared me down, then walked out. Prevented me from actually learning how to play the xylophone and probably saved me years of humiliation.

* Watched her brothers all graduate from high school and college and got tired of continually saying "congratulations," so she coined a new congratulatory term: Alanthicke.

* Although she was incapable of speech at the time, tried to convey through her baby facial expressions to me and our brothers Greg and Jim that riding down the steps in her crib was probably not a good idea. We did so anyway; I now walk with a pronounced limp.

* Started a fan site in 2001 honoring minor Full House character Papouli.

* Next election will the be the first one she's eligible to vote in. She plans on voting not for McCain, or Obama, but....you guessed it...Alan Thicke.

* Excellent Latin student; although since her senior year has been completed I don't believe her and Latin are seeing each other anymore. I'm sure they remain the best of friends.

Again, there are numerous others but I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself. Amy, with a heart full of pride and happiness I say: Job well done, and Alanthicke to you. Alanthicke to you, sis.

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