Friday, May 16, 2008

Your Toaster Will Call You Jeeves


The other night I'm watching TV and I see an ad for a wheelchair that can go up steps by itself. With this kind of technology, it seems inevitable that one day we will all serve as butlers for machines.

That's right. I'm pretty sure that one day, robots are going to figure out a way to dominate the human race into becoming their semi-free man-servants.

In fact, I believe it's a certainty. Sure, we'll still have our freedom on paper. We can go out at night, conceivably. Take breaks during the day. But answering the door, preparing food, all that stuff - we'll have to take care of it. I can see it now, coming over to my great Uncle Lou's house to see how that new robot wheelchair is treating him...when he opens the door in a tuxedo.

We won't be enslaved; we'll be enbutlered.

"Look at me, you son of a bitch bastard!" cries Uncle Lou, holding a platter. "He made me his butler! Damn thing tipped me over when we got to the top and asked me to make him a sandwich - have you ever seen a robot sandwich?! It's just nuts and bolts glued to sheet metal! And I did, because he has hidden robot arms that are very strong! Christ! This thing could dominate anyone, imagine what kind of train wreck he'd make my bony old ass into!"

"I'm sorry Uncle Lou."

Lou's expression softens. "Ah, it's okay," he says quietly. "At least he didn't make me give him robot head."

I leave Lou to dust the robots and go to the root of the problem - the laboratory where the scientists created these robot wheelchairs.

I show up; I'm ready to give them a piece of my mind. Why did you make these genius wheelchairs that can exploit our elders?

I walk in to find eight guys in labcoats giving robot wheelchairs robot head.

"Oh God!" screams the lead scientist as the robot's huge metal crank hits him in the forehead. "Why did we create this monstrosity! And why did we give them penises? What was the point of that?"

"Doctor," I add desperately, "is there anything I can do to help?"

"We ensured our own fate, we did!" yells the head labcoat guy. "It's almost like one of the guys who worked with us had a thing for robots and built this appendage with this exact fate in mind!"
Another scientist getting beaten over the head with a mechanical dong cries out, "This is like T2 if all the robots in Terminator were gay!"

The bottom line is, think twice before you buy an Ipod. It may figure out a way to get you to make it sandwiches.

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