Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ask Dr. Danielle

This is Danielle. Back in high school, we were best friends. Think Jenny and Forrest, if Jenny was the one with the IQ of 75 and leg braces. Last weekend I went back to my home town to visit my parents, and I was surprised to run into her downtown, still in the same place I left her. I asked her what she'd been up to since graduation, and she stammered out some lame ass story about how she got a PhD in psychology. I didn't fully believe her, but she begged me to let her answer reader questions on relationships and dating to prove she was an expert. So we're starting a new feature called "Ask Dr. Danielle." Here she is, but keep in mind, I'm not 100% positive she's actually a doctor:

Manic in Minneapolis writes: My wife and I are taking a vacation in Australia next summer and she wants to go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef. The truth is....I'm scared!!! How can I explain this to her, and is there anything I can do to get over my fear?

Dr. Danielle: Snorkel is a funny word. You know, it was the great philosopher Napolean Bonaparte who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear in and of itself." Just do it man and your wife will thank you. Besides, the science classes I took in medical school taught me that there are no sharks in Australia. Unless kangaroos learn how to swim, I think you're safe ;)

(Ed. note - Okay, according to an Australian government website, there are plenty of sharks in Australia. What she said has absolutely no basis in fact, and I am now beginning to realize that she is no doctor and I should have never given this buffoon her own column. Might as well let her finish, I guess. Oh, and not that it matters, but kangaroos can swim)

Single in St. Louis writes: I'm a newly single woman and I'm ready to hit the open market! What do you think is the best way to sink my teeth into dating without moving too fast?

Dr. Danielle: What I usually do is wait outside my local law firms and hospitals for what old Danielle likes to call a "beefcake stakeout." If that doesn't work, Craig's List ads under multiple aliases oughta do the trick.

On an unrelated note: if you see an ad under Casual Encounters for a Shaniqua Carmelo using my picture, it's totally not me.

Confused in California writes: My boyfriend is Palestinean, and his family hates me because I practice Judaism. How can I bridge the cultural gap and win them over?

Dr. Danielle: Next time they get mad at you for practicing Judaism, just ask them how in the heck you are supposed to get better at something without practicing?!? LOL.

In all seriousness.....I have no idea what Judaism is. Is it someone who has a bias against Jude Law? Because if that's the case, then this is one girl who does NOT practice Judaism! That man is fine! Yep, this is one lady with a legitimate, non-fake PhD in psychology who wouldn't mind saying "How do you do?" to that boy! Why, he's the kind of guy who makes you want to spend hours at work crafting fan fiction to be posted on Internet message boards telling stories of how he carried you out of your office dressed in a Naval uniform like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman!

Not that I've ever done that.....

Pathetic in Portland writes: I'm a doctor from the Pacific Northwest. I'm a 49 year old bald asshole. I'm four foot eight. I have a hunchback covered in hair. My hot breath smells like a four week old Cinnabon that a warthog farted on. My name is Lou Feldman. For Christ's sake, has anyone ever gotten laid with the name Lou Feldman? I've been told I look like what would happen if a walrus and Danny DeVito had a kid. Please, help me with the ladies, Doctor. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I tuck my t-shirts into my underwear and I live with my mother.

Dr. Danielle: A doctor, eh?

Email me ;)

Injured in Iowa writes: I know you're a psychologist, not a medical doctor, but I have headaches and dizziness every afternoon. Anything to be worried about?

Dr. Danielle: Nah, you should be fine.

(Ed. note - That is horrible medical advice and common sense tells you to seek genuine medical attention immediately)

Rehabilitated in Rikers Island writes: My parole hearing is coming up in two years, and I want to know how I can best reenter the dating scene once I get out. Can you tell me how a social miscreant such as myself can resume having normal relationships?

Dr. Danielle: I actually think it might be better if we got together to talk about this over dinner, maybe this Thursday around six? If your warden is cool with it, that is. I'm just thinking out loud here. I can definitely answer that question, as well as bring along some candles, a box of wine, and a pot roast for us to share through a pane of glass, maybe? If you're not busy? If you want? I am single.

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