Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Christian Bale Calls Verizon to Complain About His Internet‏

Many of you heard Christian Bale's outburst at a lighting guy on the set of Terminator: Salvation. It's proof positive you can never predict what someone as volatile as Bale will do or say when agitated. In that same vein, I've actually acquired a transcript of Bale's latest call to Verizon Wireless when he was having problems with his Internet connection:

Hello? My name is Christian Bale and....hello? Yes, my um Internet is not working properly. I can't get online. Haven't been able to do for days now. Sure....my account number is 41558509. Last four of my social is 2323. Christian Bale. Yes, I am that Christian Bale. Yes, I can hold........(humming) honey, did you water the azaleas? They appear somewhat downtrodden. You didn't? Oh, okay, well....I guess I will water them then.

(4 minutes later)

Yes? Hello? I am here. Yes, well, the problem is that my Internet....my wireless connection has not been working. I'm not sure what the problem is. Bale. Christian. Account number, which I already gave you, is 41558509. 2323. Okay. Um, yes, I can hold.....honey, can you take the trash out? No, I guess there is nothing stopping me. I guess I am just as close to the garbage can as you. You know what, how about I just do it? I don't want to interrupt you from your...whatever you're doing. I will get it; it is fine. Would you listen to the phone in case the Verizon lady gets back on? No, you can't? Okay, well then......I guess I will just hope that her respite lasts for the duration of my trip to the garbage can.

(9 minutes later)

Hello? Thank you. It is fine. What's that? Okay, I can do that. I mean, I already clicked diagnose and repair, but I will do it again. Okay....it says here that there may be a problem with my router. That's what it says every time. I don't really know what a router is. Okay....yeah, you don't really need to explain it to me but....you don't say.....that is really neat. Those are some neat facts about routers, but doesn't it seem a tad unnecessary to tell me all.....hmm? Really? Is that right? I didn't know that routers were invented in that year, or by that person. That is really something. Thank you for telling me that information. I'm sorry to ask you this, but is there anything you can do to help me with my wireless connection situation? What's that? You need your supervisor? Yes, I can hold. I guess. I have an audition later today, but I'd like to - hello? Oh, she already put me on hold.

(22 minutes later)

Hello? Yep, I'm here. I have just spent the time browsing these Home and Garden periodicals. Um....no, it won't be a problem for me to hold again. You're welcome.

(35 minutes later)

Yes. Is this the supervisor? Nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that, I really enjoyed playing Batman, so I'm glad my fans enjoyed it also. Um, I would give you an autograph but I'm not sure how I would send.....yeah? Okay, I can take down your address. You would like a picture? Okay, I guess I can do that. How many? 57? That seems like an awful lot of work, but I guess so. I beg your pardon? Oh....41558509. Last four of the social is 2323.

Okay. So I should unplug my router? What does it look like? Okay.....yep! You know what, yep, there is a box that looks just like that on my window sill. Okay, great! I am unplugging it. It is unplugged, now what? I wait for a minute, then turn it back on? Are you sure? How could that possibly fix it? Wait....oh, we have a connection! I am good to go. Yep, it is fixed. Wait a second....the red X came back. That didn't seem to work at all. I'm not connected. Sir, you don't seem to understand, your remedy did not solve my problem - oh wait, he hung up. Oh boy. Guess the last hour was a waste pretty much. Oh well. I guess I will call back.....redialing here......Yes? Hello, my name is Christian Bale and my internet - beg your pardon? Oh, yes. Michael Caine was an absolute treat to work with. Yes, I can hold.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Of All the Blogs I've Ever Encountered in All My Travels, This One Was the Mo-host.....HUMAN

You may have noticed a lack of posts lately. I'm posting today to let everyone now that after this week, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll be wrapping up the blog.....thanks for everything, and I'm going to make sure that these next few posts before Friday are real solid. Enjoy this:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court

Coming to theaters this fall, it's the newest hit from director/actor Tyler Perry - the soon to be smash Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court!

Barack Obama (Morris Chestnut) is a strong, proud black man and a father of 2 with a shrewish wife (Nia Long) who doesn't love him anymore. When she leaves him for Barack's more successful business colleague Joe Biden (a Baldwin), Barack is forced to move back in with his family, including matriarch Grandma Madea.

Barack's family is a handful, and dealing with his brother (Morris Chestnut) sister (Mo'Nique) parents (James Earl Jones and Alfre Woodard) aunt (Mo'Nique again) cousin (pick a Wayans brother) nephew (Nick Cannon) and one wacky second cousin (Morris Chestnut) is all he can handle. But while Grandma Madea's craziness gets Barack into his fair share of wacky situations, she also serves up a heaping helping of common sense. She even brokers a peace between Barack and his estranged brother, Tyrelle (Tyler Perry). Along the way Madea dishes advice, butt whuppings, and a little bit of tenderness. Not to mention countless scenes of large outdoor barbeques attended by seemingly hundreds of black family members wearing identical t-shirts.

Everything seems to be going well until Supreme Court Justice David Souter (Morris Chestnut) retires unexpectedly. It's up to Barack to name a new justice, and when his wife challenges his manhood on the floor the Senate, he surprises everyone by naming Madea to the empty seat. While he is ridiculed at first by his vice president, secretary of state, and the media (Morris Chestnut), America soon comes to love this opinionated, sassy, proud black woman, even though her rulings are largely incoherent and she knows nothing about the law. For instance, in the case of Stevenson vs. The State of Nevada, a landmark trial in which stem cell research is called into question, she rules in favor of the defendants' "getting Grandma Madea's foot stuck up yo ass." It is an amazing film, and it culminates in a heartwarming finale, as Barack reconnects with his college sweetheart and realizes she is his one true love. By the way, she is played by Morris Chestnut in a wig.

Come check out the side-splitting comedy that will be sure to leave all people rolling in the aisles with laughter, and by all people we mean people who really enjoy bad writing. Stay for the twist ending, where Tyler Perry reveals that not only is Madea a costume, but his identity of Tyler Perry is also a ruse. He unzips his face to reveal that he is in fact Morris Chestnut.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Amy Filled Out Another MySpace Survey

My sister filled out another MySpace survey, and she is pretty funny. Here you go:

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
you're just going to judge me when i tell you i saw 17 again. and again....and again. what can i say. it just sort of happened. before i knew it i was sitting in the theater drinking an icee and watching matthew perry morph into zac efron. it was unescapeable really.

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
if i started dating them when they lived in the same state then yes. what i'm getting at here is no i don't want to meet someone on match.com and fly across the country to live with him. only to find out he's a 56 year old war vet who already has an intricate plan to explain my disappearance, and then he's going to season me with paprika before he shoves me in his people cooker. match.com isn't for everyone. just sayin just sayin.

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
if i wasn't fine i wouldn't say that i was. if somethings wrong, i'm taking everyone down with me.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
haters gon hate

Do you laugh a lot?
i think that's an understatement. today me and this guy i work with laughed for a good hour because we thought it would be funny if we had a chimpanzee for a manager.

What are the bad things you've heard people say about you?
what! i'm not going to rehash all the bad things people have said about me just so you can agree with them. instead, let me just invite you to please GET REAL. rsvp if you know what's good for you.

Do you have an older brother?
i have 3 whole older brothers, as opposed to our other brother victor who was born without a torso.

How was your last night and why?
it was okay, i worked. bringing in the mulla

Do you believe in karma?
yeah i do. but only for me. i accidentally killed a spider at work, guess what was in my bed last night? a spider. this isn't a sleepover, hop up out of there.

Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
let's get one thing straight: i'm never happy when i have to wake up in the morning.

Is your room ever clean?
you must be new here. it's never clean, but i know where everything is. more or less.

What did you and the last person you talked on the phone talk about?
we talked about our days. because we're middleaged sisters. except he's a boy.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
not in a kidnappy way

How many kids do you want to have?
enough to do all my chores for me. ahaha just kidding, there are laws that say i can't do that. so i'll just pretend we're playing a game. whoever can clean the most windows in five minutes gets to do mommy's laundry for the next week!!

Where's you're phone at?
it's sitting beside me like the lazy oaf that it is. get a job

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
is leo dicaprio older than 19??

Do you trust all your friends?
if i didn't trust them i wouldn't call them my friends. that seems like it should be obvious. i'm too real for this survey

How many surveys will you do today?
i've hit my lame quota for the day with this one. i'm good

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Spock Argues His Way Out of a DUI

NEW YORK - First Officer of the USS Enterprise and Starfleet Commander Spock, utilizing stone cold logic and airtight reasoning, successfully argued his way out of a DUI early Sunday morning.

"I am fine, Officer," slurred the clearly inebriated Vulcan to the state trooper who pulled him over. "If I was truly inebriated, my breath would smell like alcohol, and not the pennies and orange Tic Tacs that my breath currently reeks of."

"I guess that's true," said trooper Steve Lewis.

Officer Lewis pulled Spock over for executing what he referred to as a rolling stop.

"You see, Officer, while I may not have appeared to stop, I surveyed the situation, made the most brief of stops, and continued making the right turn," stuttered Spock. "From your vantage point, it would be impossible to ascertain whether or not my vehicle was completely at rest."

Lewis briefly considered taking Spock in after he blew a .13 on the breathalyzer, nearly twice the legal limit. But Spock had an answer for that as well:

"Clearly, that is a breathalyzer made in what you humans refer to as 'Europe.' I can tell by the design. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the met....the met...the metric, ugh....okay watch out I'm going to vomit.....no wait, never mind. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the metric system, and given my calcuations, a .13 BAC converted to the standard American numerical rate would come out to about .04, well below the legal limit."

"Oh," stammered the dimwitted officer. "Well, when you put it that way...."

Lewis, a rookie on the force, proceeded to call for back up. While he awaited the other officers to arrive, he reported that Spock relieved himself in a nearby bush and texted Uhura.

"I'm really fine, Officer." said Spock, stumbling back towards Lewis. "Man, you are such a good guy, but really, I am fine. If I was messed up, I would start inverting my sentences, saying things like, 'Messed up I am.' That is what us aliens do."

"That was Yoda!" said Lewis.

"Ah yes, Yoda. You want his autograph? I can definitely get it for you."

When the other officers arrived on the scene, they too fell pray to Spock's incredibly persuasive and sound arguing style. After giving a ten minute speech, incorporating the laws of physics, thermodynamics, and the 70's sitcom Good Times, he convinced all of the reporting officers that it was Officer Lewis who had been drunk and swerving, and he had just observed Spock driving straight.

"In a way, I'm glad he pulled me over, as it got him off the road. Driving like that can be very dangerous, my young Padawan."

After all the officers nodded and thanked Spock, the Vulcan proceeded to fall asleep in a nearby ditch.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

One of My Jokes Finally Killed a Man

My Dad only orders from local pizza joints. Won't go to Dominos or Pizza Hut. So whenever I got my folks' place, we never eat pizza from a national chain. I'm not complaining; for the most part, the pizza is better at the smaller spots.

But here's the thing about local pizza places: a lot of time they use generic pizza boxes, and a lot of times, those pizza boxes will have a picture of a fat chef with a moustache giving a thumbs up, looking at his pizza. I wrote a joke about this last night, which went something like this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Dom DeLuise on a Stairmaster."

It got a decent response last night. I figured if I kept building around the premise, I could work it into my rotation. How about I found out this morning that Dom DeLuise died - LAST NIGHT. For all I know, he died while I was telling the joke.

Here's what so morbid about the whole thing: I wrote the joke around 5:00 PM. I performed it around 8:30. I don't know exactly when he kicked the bucket, but this man was passing away as I was building a punchline around him. As a group of strangers acknowledged the fact that he is fat and Italian by laughing at my reference, he shuffled into the light.

As someone still new to the world of comedy, I'm always trying to grow, always trying to evolve. And with every performance, and every joke, I believe there is a lesson to be learned. And I think the lesson in this particular instance is clear:

Don't piss me off or I will write a joke that murders you.

Apparently, that's my X-Man power: jokes that can kill. It's a positive thing, if harnessed for the good of humanity.

Of course I'm being facetious; unless my joke is something you could deep fry and cover in barbecue sauce, I doubt it had anything to do with his Dom DeLumise. But it sucks all the same. I feel the same way I felt after Heath Ledger died: very sad for the guy and his family, but also feeling as if I missed out on something more. Heath Ledger was the perfect Joker. And Dom DeLuise was the perfect fat Italian guy to reference in this joke I wrote about pizza boxes. Now neither my perfect pizza box joke nor the Batman franchise will ever be as good as it could have been. Don't believe me? Look at this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Johnny Depp as the Riddler."

See? It's just not the same.

My condolences to your family, Dom. Thanks for messing up my joke.

National Nightmare

On Saturday I was lucky enough to join 4,000 other Washingtonians who couldn't get Capitals tickets to watch the Nationals play the St. Louis Cardinals. It was my first trip the new stadium, and I had a few thoughts:

* The players' intro music was weird and definitely inappropriate. Ryan Zimmerman walked up to the plate to the tune of Return of the Mack. Apparently, the guy who picks out intro music is the same guy who picks the players.

* It was Latino Heritage Today at the stadium. This is not be confused with Pitino Heritage Day, where everyone slicks their hair back and gets away with recruiting violations.

* The attendance was seriously pathetic, even for a rainy day in this economy. More evidence that DC can't support pro baseball. Crappy team + transient population = team will be gone in ten years. Look on the bright side: at least DC has a huge baseball stadium for which it will soon have zero need.

* Biggest ovation came when they flashed the Pens/Caps score on the Jumbotron. Second biggest one was when Ryan Zimmerman scratched himself.

* Screech the Eagle was in the house. There were a ton of little kids in attendance, and for whatever reason, not one of them was frightened by the sight of a giant eagle in a baseball uniform. What is wrong with the youth of America?

* Word is that President Obama plans to cut defense spending so much that U.S. soldiers in Iraq will be armed with t-shirt cannons.

* During the seventh inning stretch, two couples got on the dugout and did some flamenco dancing. First time I've seen a live sporting event utilize flamenco dancing to get the fans more interested. The next step is having Manny Acta and Tony LaRussa bring out the lineup cards and then pulling a little Tango action. Maybe LaRussa passes Manny a rose with his teeth.

* One of the Nationals' traditions is to have presidents with giant heads race each other all over the field. At one point, you had a giant Teddy Roosevelt, Abe Lincoln, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson running around the outfield while an eagle in a baseball uniform cheered them on while four people flamenco danced on the dugout. It's moments like that that make you wonder if they laced the hot dogs with LSD.

* It was interesting how they used the Big-Headed Presidents to celebrate Latino Heritage Day, seeing how as only one of them did anything to advance civil rights. Hell, two of them owned black people. Hardly seem like the right guys to celebrate one of D.C.'s most prominent minority groups. While you may disagree with me on that point, no one can debate that it was a little out of line when Giant-Headed Jefferson and Giant-Headed Washington got into a bidding war over Dmitri Young.