Christian Bale Calls Verizon to Complain About His Internet‏

Many of you heard Christian Bale's outburst at a lighting guy on the set of Terminator: Salvation. It's proof positive you can never predict what someone as volatile as Bale will do or say when agitated. In that same vein, I've actually acquired a transcript of Bale's latest call to Verizon Wireless when he was having problems with his Internet connection:

Hello? My name is Christian Bale and....hello? Yes, my um Internet is not working properly. I can't get online. Haven't been able to do for days now. Sure....my account number is 41558509. Last four of my social is 2323. Christian Bale. Yes, I am that Christian Bale. Yes, I can hold........(humming) honey, did you water the azaleas? They appear somewhat downtrodden. You didn't? Oh, okay, well....I guess I will water them then.

(4 minutes later)

Yes? Hello? I am here. Yes, well, the problem is that my Internet....my wireless connection has not been working. I'm not sure what the problem is. Bale. Christian. Account number, which I already gave you, is 41558509. 2323. Okay. Um, yes, I can hold.....honey, can you take the trash out? No, I guess there is nothing stopping me. I guess I am just as close to the garbage can as you. You know what, how about I just do it? I don't want to interrupt you from your...whatever you're doing. I will get it; it is fine. Would you listen to the phone in case the Verizon lady gets back on? No, you can't? Okay, well then......I guess I will just hope that her respite lasts for the duration of my trip to the garbage can.

(9 minutes later)

Hello? Thank you. It is fine. What's that? Okay, I can do that. I mean, I already clicked diagnose and repair, but I will do it again. Okay....it says here that there may be a problem with my router. That's what it says every time. I don't really know what a router is. Okay....yeah, you don't really need to explain it to me but....you don't say.....that is really neat. Those are some neat facts about routers, but doesn't it seem a tad unnecessary to tell me all.....hmm? Really? Is that right? I didn't know that routers were invented in that year, or by that person. That is really something. Thank you for telling me that information. I'm sorry to ask you this, but is there anything you can do to help me with my wireless connection situation? What's that? You need your supervisor? Yes, I can hold. I guess. I have an audition later today, but I'd like to - hello? Oh, she already put me on hold.

(22 minutes later)

Hello? Yep, I'm here. I have just spent the time browsing these Home and Garden periodicals. Um....no, it won't be a problem for me to hold again. You're welcome.

(35 minutes later)

Yes. Is this the supervisor? Nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that, I really enjoyed playing Batman, so I'm glad my fans enjoyed it also. Um, I would give you an autograph but I'm not sure how I would send.....yeah? Okay, I can take down your address. You would like a picture? Okay, I guess I can do that. How many? 57? That seems like an awful lot of work, but I guess so. I beg your pardon? Oh....41558509. Last four of the social is 2323.

Okay. So I should unplug my router? What does it look like? Okay.....yep! You know what, yep, there is a box that looks just like that on my window sill. Okay, great! I am unplugging it. It is unplugged, now what? I wait for a minute, then turn it back on? Are you sure? How could that possibly fix it? Wait....oh, we have a connection! I am good to go. Yep, it is fixed. Wait a second....the red X came back. That didn't seem to work at all. I'm not connected. Sir, you don't seem to understand, your remedy did not solve my problem - oh wait, he hung up. Oh boy. Guess the last hour was a waste pretty much. Oh well. I guess I will call back.....redialing here......Yes? Hello, my name is Christian Bale and my internet - beg your pardon? Oh, yes. Michael Caine was an absolute treat to work with. Yes, I can hold.

Of All the Blogs I've Ever Encountered in All My Travels, This One Was the Mo-host.....HUMAN

You may have noticed a lack of posts lately. I'm posting today to let everyone now that after this week, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll be wrapping up the blog.....thanks for everything, and I'm going to make sure that these next few posts before Friday are real solid. Enjoy this:

Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court

Coming to theaters this fall, it's the newest hit from director/actor Tyler Perry - the soon to be smash Madea Gets Appointed to the Supreme Court!

Barack Obama (Morris Chestnut) is a strong, proud black man and a father of 2 with a shrewish wife (Nia Long) who doesn't love him anymore. When she leaves him for Barack's more successful business colleague Joe Biden (a Baldwin), Barack is forced to move back in with his family, including matriarch Grandma Madea.

Barack's family is a handful, and dealing with his brother (Morris Chestnut) sister (Mo'Nique) parents (James Earl Jones and Alfre Woodard) aunt (Mo'Nique again) cousin (pick a Wayans brother) nephew (Nick Cannon) and one wacky second cousin (Morris Chestnut) is all he can handle. But while Grandma Madea's craziness gets Barack into his fair share of wacky situations, she also serves up a heaping helping of common sense. She even brokers a peace between Barack and his estranged brother, Tyrelle (Tyler Perry). Along the way Madea dishes advice, butt whuppings, and a little bit of tenderness. Not to mention countless scenes of large outdoor barbeques attended by seemingly hundreds of black family members wearing identical t-shirts.

Everything seems to be going well until Supreme Court Justice David Souter (Morris Chestnut) retires unexpectedly. It's up to Barack to name a new justice, and when his wife challenges his manhood on the floor the Senate, he surprises everyone by naming Madea to the empty seat. While he is ridiculed at first by his vice president, secretary of state, and the media (Morris Chestnut), America soon comes to love this opinionated, sassy, proud black woman, even though her rulings are largely incoherent and she knows nothing about the law. For instance, in the case of Stevenson vs. The State of Nevada, a landmark trial in which stem cell research is called into question, she rules in favor of the defendants' "getting Grandma Madea's foot stuck up yo ass." It is an amazing film, and it culminates in a heartwarming finale, as Barack reconnects with his college sweetheart and realizes she is his one true love. By the way, she is played by Morris Chestnut in a wig.

Come check out the side-splitting comedy that will be sure to leave all people rolling in the aisles with laughter, and by all people we mean people who really enjoy bad writing. Stay for the twist ending, where Tyler Perry reveals that not only is Madea a costume, but his identity of Tyler Perry is also a ruse. He unzips his face to reveal that he is in fact Morris Chestnut.

Amy Filled Out Another MySpace Survey

My sister filled out another MySpace survey, and she is pretty funny. Here you go:

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
you're just going to judge me when i tell you i saw 17 again. and again....and again. what can i say. it just sort of happened. before i knew it i was sitting in the theater drinking an icee and watching matthew perry morph into zac efron. it was unescapeable really.

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
if i started dating them when they lived in the same state then yes. what i'm getting at here is no i don't want to meet someone on match.com and fly across the country to live with him. only to find out he's a 56 year old war vet who already has an intricate plan to explain my disappearance, and then he's going to season me with paprika before he shoves me in his people cooker. match.com isn't for everyone. just sayin just sayin.

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
if i wasn't fine i wouldn't say that i was. if somethings wrong, i'm taking everyone down with me.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
haters gon hate

Do you laugh a lot?
i think that's an understatement. today me and this guy i work with laughed for a good hour because we thought it would be funny if we had a chimpanzee for a manager.

What are the bad things you've heard people say about you?
what! i'm not going to rehash all the bad things people have said about me just so you can agree with them. instead, let me just invite you to please GET REAL. rsvp if you know what's good for you.

Do you have an older brother?
i have 3 whole older brothers, as opposed to our other brother victor who was born without a torso.

How was your last night and why?
it was okay, i worked. bringing in the mulla

Do you believe in karma?
yeah i do. but only for me. i accidentally killed a spider at work, guess what was in my bed last night? a spider. this isn't a sleepover, hop up out of there.

Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
let's get one thing straight: i'm never happy when i have to wake up in the morning.

Is your room ever clean?
you must be new here. it's never clean, but i know where everything is. more or less.

What did you and the last person you talked on the phone talk about?
we talked about our days. because we're middleaged sisters. except he's a boy.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
not in a kidnappy way

How many kids do you want to have?
enough to do all my chores for me. ahaha just kidding, there are laws that say i can't do that. so i'll just pretend we're playing a game. whoever can clean the most windows in five minutes gets to do mommy's laundry for the next week!!

Where's you're phone at?
it's sitting beside me like the lazy oaf that it is. get a job

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
is leo dicaprio older than 19??

Do you trust all your friends?
if i didn't trust them i wouldn't call them my friends. that seems like it should be obvious. i'm too real for this survey

How many surveys will you do today?
i've hit my lame quota for the day with this one. i'm good

Spock Argues His Way Out of a DUI

NEW YORK - First Officer of the USS Enterprise and Starfleet Commander Spock, utilizing stone cold logic and airtight reasoning, successfully argued his way out of a DUI early Sunday morning.

"I am fine, Officer," slurred the clearly inebriated Vulcan to the state trooper who pulled him over. "If I was truly inebriated, my breath would smell like alcohol, and not the pennies and orange Tic Tacs that my breath currently reeks of."

"I guess that's true," said trooper Steve Lewis.

Officer Lewis pulled Spock over for executing what he referred to as a rolling stop.

"You see, Officer, while I may not have appeared to stop, I surveyed the situation, made the most brief of stops, and continued making the right turn," stuttered Spock. "From your vantage point, it would be impossible to ascertain whether or not my vehicle was completely at rest."

Lewis briefly considered taking Spock in after he blew a .13 on the breathalyzer, nearly twice the legal limit. But Spock had an answer for that as well:

"Clearly, that is a breathalyzer made in what you humans refer to as 'Europe.' I can tell by the design. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the met....the met...the metric, ugh....okay watch out I'm going to vomit.....no wait, never mind. Such a breathalyzer would seem to utilize the metric system, and given my calcuations, a .13 BAC converted to the standard American numerical rate would come out to about .04, well below the legal limit."

"Oh," stammered the dimwitted officer. "Well, when you put it that way...."

Lewis, a rookie on the force, proceeded to call for back up. While he awaited the other officers to arrive, he reported that Spock relieved himself in a nearby bush and texted Uhura.

"I'm really fine, Officer." said Spock, stumbling back towards Lewis. "Man, you are such a good guy, but really, I am fine. If I was messed up, I would start inverting my sentences, saying things like, 'Messed up I am.' That is what us aliens do."

"That was Yoda!" said Lewis.

"Ah yes, Yoda. You want his autograph? I can definitely get it for you."

When the other officers arrived on the scene, they too fell pray to Spock's incredibly persuasive and sound arguing style. After giving a ten minute speech, incorporating the laws of physics, thermodynamics, and the 70's sitcom Good Times, he convinced all of the reporting officers that it was Officer Lewis who had been drunk and swerving, and he had just observed Spock driving straight.

"In a way, I'm glad he pulled me over, as it got him off the road. Driving like that can be very dangerous, my young Padawan."

After all the officers nodded and thanked Spock, the Vulcan proceeded to fall asleep in a nearby ditch.

Selena Roberts Next Project: Batman Tell-All

Sports Illustrated writer Selena Roberts has announced that she plans to follow her controversial biography of Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a similar account on Gotham City superhero Batman. While on her whirlwind promotional tour, I caught up with Roberts, and we sat down to talk about her newest project:

MIKE ELTRINGHAM: So, your latest book absolutely slams Batman. Outs him as billionaire Bruce Wayne. Labels him as a narcissistic rule breaker. There is some really shocking and nasty stuff in here. I get the feeling that a lot of people are going to come away thinking much less of Batman.

SELENA ROBERTS: This is true. But, the public has the right to know. And biographies on superheroes have been around a lot longer than you or me, so this isn't something new.

ME: What was the motivation for this expose?

SR: It was about time Batman got what was coming to him. It's hard to watch a guy be so smug, and present this pristine image of himself to the press, and not want to take him down a peg. Batman has denied most of my charges, but I say let my work do the talking. Go talk to my sources. They lined up to dime on him: Robin, Batgirl, even Lucius Fox gave me a little something. And here's a message for Batman: never question Selena Roberts' journalistic integrity. Selena Roberts is a classy broad with journalistic integrity out the yin-yang. You don't mind if I finish this bologna sandwich, do you?

ME: Go right ahead. Let's go through some of the juicier tidbits of the book: you talk a lot about his illicit affair with Catwoman. Batman is well-known by the public for his crime-fighting, so why should anyone have the right, or even care, to know the details of his private life in such gross detail?

SR: If he didn't want his private life out there for public consumption, don't put on a mask and fight crime. God, the amount of integrity I have in this situation is starting to get me excited. When you put yourself out there, you give the media license to investigate every salacious nook and cranny of your life. If you didn't want me to find that picture of you and Catwoman in bed, dressed like Popeye and Olive Oyl, you shouldn't have put it in your garbage can.

ME: Wow. Okay. Anyway, in the book you accuse Batman of wrongdoing that the public has every right to call him on, seeing as it has to do with his crime fighting. You have a lengthy chapter detailing Batman's illegal wiretapping procedures.

SR: That's correct. I got him good on that one. I set up a tape recorder in the Bat Cave while he was meeting with his Bat-Attorney. I got the whole thing on tape!

ME: Oh....well, wouldn't that conversation be confidential because of attorney-client privilege? In other words, while it may expose his wrongdoing, it's something that no one had the legal right to know about anyway, therefore making its exposure to the public highly inappropriate. That may not excuse what he did, but doesn't it make its exposure to the public dangerously unethical on your part?

SR: Unethical?

ME: Yeah, wouldn't you say that's unethical?

SR: No, I'm asking you what that word means. Unethical?

ME: Unethical behavior would be any behavior that violates your code of ethics as a journalist.

SR: Huh? Ethics? Look buddy, you're going to have to stop talking Portuguese and start talking English if you want to engage me on this topic. Someone with less integrity than me would walk out on you right now. God, it amazes me how much integrity I have. If you lined up all the American veterans of foreign wars, they wouldn't possess a scintilla of the integrity I do. After this I'm going to the Vietnam Memorial in D.C. to tell people that to their faces, and hand out copies of my book.

ME: Okay, one more question. According to reports, the evidence you received regarding Batman's wiretapping also implicated numerous others, including little known Gotham City police officer Wade Blumenthal.

SR: Okay....? Still waiting on your point here.

ME: My point is that the only reason anyone cares about Batman breaking the law is because he's so good at fighting crime. If you took away the wiretapping, Batman would still be excellent at what he does, and that lowly Gotham cop would still be mediocre. Is it fair that Batman gets dragged through the mud, while other perpetrators get no attention, simply because Batman is much more proficient at his craft?

SR: The point is, people want to see Batman get embarrassed. Don't knock me simply because there's a market for embarrassing famous people. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just a vessel. It is the public's God-given right to know everything in my book, and I am just doing my journalistic and civic duty by exposing all this. And boy, am I cashing in along the way.

You know, it's taking all the integrity in my body right now not to slap you silly. I am literally shocked at the amount of integrity I have, which is more than I thought a human was capable of possessing. It's giving me a real integrity chubby as we speak.

ME: You do look like you have a hell of a right hook. Might want to take a course in how to put on make-up though, based on that picture. Thanks for the interview, honey. Do you think the book is going to sell well?

SR: Do I think it's going to sell well? Is the Pope Catholic? Were the Duke lacrosse players convicted of rape?

ME: Actually they weren't.

SR: Wait.....WHAT?!?!?!

One of My Jokes Finally Killed a Man

My Dad only orders from local pizza joints. Won't go to Dominos or Pizza Hut. So whenever I got my folks' place, we never eat pizza from a national chain. I'm not complaining; for the most part, the pizza is better at the smaller spots.

But here's the thing about local pizza places: a lot of time they use generic pizza boxes, and a lot of times, those pizza boxes will have a picture of a fat chef with a moustache giving a thumbs up, looking at his pizza. I wrote a joke about this last night, which went something like this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Dom DeLuise on a Stairmaster."

It got a decent response last night. I figured if I kept building around the premise, I could work it into my rotation. How about I found out this morning that Dom DeLuise died - LAST NIGHT. For all I know, he died while I was telling the joke.

Here's what so morbid about the whole thing: I wrote the joke around 5:00 PM. I performed it around 8:30. I don't know exactly when he kicked the bucket, but this man was passing away as I was building a punchline around him. As a group of strangers acknowledged the fact that he is fat and Italian by laughing at my reference, he shuffled into the light.

As someone still new to the world of comedy, I'm always trying to grow, always trying to evolve. And with every performance, and every joke, I believe there is a lesson to be learned. And I think the lesson in this particular instance is clear:

Don't piss me off or I will write a joke that murders you.

Apparently, that's my X-Man power: jokes that can kill. It's a positive thing, if harnessed for the good of humanity.

Of course I'm being facetious; unless my joke is something you could deep fry and cover in barbecue sauce, I doubt it had anything to do with his Dom DeLumise. But it sucks all the same. I feel the same way I felt after Heath Ledger died: very sad for the guy and his family, but also feeling as if I missed out on something more. Heath Ledger was the perfect Joker. And Dom DeLuise was the perfect fat Italian guy to reference in this joke I wrote about pizza boxes. Now neither my perfect pizza box joke nor the Batman franchise will ever be as good as it could have been. Don't believe me? Look at this:

That is the last image I want to associate with something I'm about to eat. Pizza is the only delivery item that comes with a picture of a sweaty, fat, Italian guy. You never hear anybody say, "Enjoy your chicken lo mein, and here's a picture of Johnny Depp as the Riddler."

See? It's just not the same.

My condolences to your family, Dom. Thanks for messing up my joke.